Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/5/20 Nik Curfman 12/5/20

Journal: #138 Yes, There Is Life On The Other Side

If you’re reading this and you think you need to let someone go, be assured. There is something greater on the other side, because you are making room for it to happen. It’s a move of faith. God will bring you more than you thought was available.

I wrote several intros to this post. One was quite boring, and another lacked the honesty I want to be a hallmark of my writing. I can complicate a simple thing, so here’s the gist of the this post: I made some big life changes that resulted in the loss of a few relationships. It sucks…and…I made new healthy friendships. Hurt people attract hurt people, and healthy people attract healthy people.

The Setup

Whenever I make big life changes I am usually worried about what I will find on the other side. Big life changes usually include a change in how I associate with the people around me, particularly my friends and family. It’s more obvious when I moved across the country to northern California, and a little less obvious when I stopped smoking cigarettes.

This year, a year of growth and changes, I decided to change how I relate to the world. I stopped treating my body like a garbage dump, and prioritized my walk with the Lord. These choices meant I turn down offers of junk food and leave parties early.

Lifestyle changes like diet and exercise are usually acceptable to friends and family. The tough one is asking a loved one to change the relationship.

Taking the Risk

I have two desires that appear to compete with each other. The first desire is to love myself. It includes eating well, exercising, and believing in myself. The second is to love people well. I want to be a source of love and strength for the people around me. On the surface, it seems possible to love myself and others well. But, it isn’t, not at all times.

In the effort to love myself, I had to set boundaries. Fundamentally, boundaries are a way to say “our relationship is broken, but it doesn’t have to be.” As of this writing, my attempts to set boundaries cost me five friendships. I stated how the relationship was broken, they did not agree.

Hurt People, Hurt People

Not everyone responded poorly. My roommate stuck with me when I told him I would probably never want to go to Napa Valley, and despite my changes in diet (prior to this year we usually ate dinner together, but we no longer eat the same foods.) In addition, I’m thankful my customers respect my hours of operation. I no longer spend nights and weekends working on “emergency projects.” Thank God.

As for those who did not respond well, I get it. All of them are hurting people. They see boundaries as judgment of who they are, rather than a chance to be powerful. One lady friend said I was too sensitive, another said I am controlling. A couple in Colorado said I let them down. The exact quote was from them was “we’re bummed we ever trusted you.”

In each situation, the response I received confirmed I made the right call.

Friends Don’t Abuse Friends

I’ve read books, spent hours in counseling, and prayed about it. After years of feeling like I must suffer the abuse of others, I am believe that is a lie. Love is a must, friendship isn’t.

It is a lie to believe love equals doormat. I spent a ton of time reading the Gospels since 2017. Jesus was no push over. Yes, He sacrificed Himself. And, we often see it the wrong way. He crucifixion was unavoidable. He was murdered, and was going to be murdered. The pharisees wanted Him dead. Jesus did not want to die. (Fairly certain He asked for such a fate to pass from Him.)

Let’s back up a bit, and I can’t recall Jesus letting someone be a dick to Him. I can’t recall Jesus enduring the selfishness of others or their insecurity. He challenged His friends and confronted their flaws. We also know from scripture, Jesus had more than 12 disciples at one point. The 12 we know by name are those who stuck with Him. Jesus didn’t compromise His vision or who He was.

All too often we are told to compromise our peace and well-being “for others.” This is not the Gospel. Sacrifice is not self-abuse. Jesus didn’t abuse Himself.

My picture of abuse has evolved over the years. I now consider manipulation a form of abuse, because it usually demands the devaluation of one or more people. It uses statements like “if you loved me you would,” and “I thought you were the kind of person who.” These are shaming statements meant to force us into submission.

I also consider judgment to be a form of abuse. It is one I know well. I’ve been as judgmental as one can be. It is a weapon I’ve aimed at myself and others. I do not accept this behavior from myself or other people. True friendship has growth imbedded in its nature. It seeks greater love.

A Word About Grace

Abuse and manipulation are part of life, and it is impossible to build a life devoid of them. I am not trying to do that. Jesus didn’t dismiss His flawed followers for their weakness (a trait He continues to exhibit, thankfully.) Grace is real and required to make it through life. Love covers all the sins.

What I am getting at is, it’s ok to let people go. When they want to sink into cynicism or justify verbal abuse, let them go. Keep the light on, and the door open. But, let them go.

My Promise

I avoid tough conversation because I am afraid of how the other person will respond. I think it’s a common concern for many, and the main reason we suffer the bullshit of others. I am afraid of being alone and of being seen as unkind or unloving. It’s a powerful combination of fear.

The truth of my experience is this: When I move toward personal growth and love, I discover and grow in relationships with people doing the same. An adjustment period always exists, but more joy and love is on the other side.

This morning I went for coffee with Hudson, a new friend. We discussed his coming engagement, the Thanksgiving weekend, and the goodness of Jesus in our lives. It was awesome. My heart wasn’t heavy or discouraged after I left. I got to talk about what excites me and what gives me life.

I want more of it.