Walk in the Woods

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Vol III: #23 Loving Rebukes Are Good

After reading about birds and Saint Phoebe, I sat back and prayed. Lord, what is this? The response I received told me to focus on the tasks at hand and to push away all the distractions. It was a loving and kind rebuke as only the Lord can give. I needed it because buddy, lemme tell ya, I can be distracted. And I don’t need anyone else though they help. Nope. I can sit and live in my inner world for hours. One day, I’ll ponder a new business idea and the next I’ll debate the merits of Michael Jordan and the next I’ll plan to learn a new dish. In a way, I’m somewhat addicted to new ideas and concepts. I’d rather talk about what can be than what is.

A few weeks ago, a small bird called a Black Phoebe perched outside my window. It was about the size of a sparrow, all black but for its lower abdomen which was white. The contrast of black and white made for a captivating few moments. And then, he flew away. I reached for my phone and moments later I was able to identify my new friend, feeling a prod to dig deeper.

The name Phoebe is only mentioned once in scripture. Paul spoke highly of her in Romans 16 and declared her a deacon of a church. He did this to introduce her to the Romans as it is believed she carried the letter to the Romans on Paul’s behalf. These handful of kind words and some speculation is all we know of the lady. But, what more could any of us want said of us? Phoebe was devoted to the Gospel and hope the same is said of me.

After reading about birds and Saint Phoebe, I sat back and prayed. Lord, what is this? The response I received told me to focus on the tasks at hand and to push away all the distractions. It was a loving and kind rebuke as only the Lord can give. I needed it because buddy, lemme tell ya, I can be distracted.

I can sit and live in my inner world for hours. One day, I’ll ponder a new business idea and the next I’ll debate the merits of Michael Jordan and the next I’ll plan to learn a new dish. In a way, I’m somewhat addicted to new ideas and concepts. I’d rather talk about what can be than what is.

Yesterday, I had a new business idea and it was glorious. I spent hours jotting down notes, a business plan, and researched domain names. Then, I texted some potential investors and made a calendar of goals with corresponding tasks. In these moments, when the ideas are following and victory seems assured, I feel somewhat…high? But, and this is new, I had a knot in my mind. When I prayed this morning Lord, do you want me to do this? The answer was clear and loud. NO. I don’t need new business ideas or more projects in my life. This season is about the grind. It’s about writing and making a deeper connection with my purpose.

I’m thankful for the kind way the Lord steers my heart. The grind is unappealing and I am afraid to fail. I’m scared of dedicating myself to a goal and having nothing to show for it in the end. But, these are not His thoughts. Suffering in the Kingdom is a guarantee but so is purpose and destiny. Like Jesus, we each must drink from a cup we’d rather avoid. For me, in part, it is the grind. So be it.

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Daily Journal: #108 All I Can Do Is Show Up

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

Today is one of those days. This week is one of those weeks. I feel numb, and the excitement of the summer is officially in the past. I search for little encouragements where I can during the day. They are to be found in my early walks and evening prayers. I am not discouraged or afraid, rather I exist in a personal netherworld.

All of the thoughts and emotions usually associated with self-pity and despair are present, like an unwelcome guest. They sit outside my being scheming and waiting to be indulged. Despite my present awareness of these corrupt temptations, they are at arms length from my heart.

While I am aware and detached from my old enemies, I do not count motivation or inspiration among my friends. Where I am, and what I pursue is not something I am prepared to do. Regardless, my grand quest is underway, and the trailhead is at my back. I know who I am, what I value. I know where I want to be. The way is steep, and I cannot let the condition of path dictate my value of the journey. Now is my time to grind.

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

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