Walk in the Woods

Abstraction Nik Curfman Abstraction Nik Curfman

Abstract: He’s Not Me

His thoughts are not my thoughts,

His declarations and promises never revoked,

and His love is the optimistic-faith kind of love.

he's not me

Somedays I wish the Lord hated me the way I hate me,

one eye on what I did wrong, the other on what I haven’t done at all.

I wish He’d level me with His judgement,

and declare my soul inept.

But, that fucker* doesn’t do it.

I know.

I’m not suppose to refer to the Lord,

Creator of All,

Prince of Peace,

as a fucker.

I’m not suppose to hate myself either,

but here we are,

driving our way through all types of new territory.

Of course, Jesus is not a fucker,

or hater,

or judger,

or condemner.

I am those things.

I write people off,

places I don’t like,

and crappy restaurants.

I’m the fucker,

I’m the imperfect vision of heaven.

And for all my vulgarity and bravado,

He’s still my friend, my strength, and my God.

His thoughts are not my thoughts,

His declarations and promises never revoked,

and His love is the optimistic-faith kind of love.

It never fails or stops trying,

It’s kind, patient, and generous.

Even when I am none of those things,

He is forever who He is,

the true and great I Am.

*I don’t ask anyone to understand why I cuss in my writing. Please respect it. In my view, the last thing the world needs is another safe/sterile Christian unwilling to talk about their low points and frustrations in real language.

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Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Journal: #204 Shit Day, Kinda

On days like this, the only thing I got is Him. That’s not a dismissal of anyone or anything, but my belief He makes the suffering worth it.

Today was a long grind of a day. On top of the work I had to do, I had a stack of meetings late into the evening. It was not my favorite way to spend a Friday, but that’s life as a contract marketer. I work and meet on my clients schedule. I’m thankful for the work, but there’s never an end. Work just leads to more work. Bigger, better, more, right? Isn’t that what we’re about?

I want to complain about it. I want to bitch and moan, and wonder what the f*ck I’m doing with my life. The truth is this will pass- the mood I’m in and my marketing career. It’s not a life move, but a temporary way point from where I was in BBQ to where I’ll be in the next few years.

(As if to demonstrate my point, Justin texted me as I wrote this post.)

(As if to demonstrate my point, Justin texted me as I wrote this post.)

In truth, I work with some great guys. They love and respect me. They’ve honored my work and given me a raise, a new title, and little gifts along the way. I can’t say enough them. Alex and Justin are the exact opposite of what I experience from my business partner last year. They care about me and listen to what I want and need for my life. (See the screenshot.)

So…like I said, I’m in a good situation. I will not complain. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to learn and grow in an environment of honor and grace.

If I was were still slinging BBQ, I’d still be in Redding. I would not have the freedom to fly across the country to be with my parents as my dad begin cancer treatments. No. I will not complain or fall into self-pity. This moment is special. I’m happy to have it.

The angst I feel is me being hard on myself. This moment is a chance to love on me and affirm who I am. I’m tired of my life and being measured everyday. That’s why I’m so thankful for the love and grace of the Lord. It’s not about numbers with Him. His love stretches to the horizon without regret. And, He’s so kind.

On days like this, the only thing I got is Him. That’s not a dismissal of anyone or anything, but my belief He makes the suffering worth it.

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