Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/29/23 Nik Curfman 5/29/23

Vol III: #85 But, Try Again

The pull to settle for comfort and normal is strong. I’m too old, too unskilled, untested, and I lack discipline. No one would blame me if I settle into my job found a basic white lady and started pumping out kids. But, that’s not me. That’s not the journey I’m living. Faith means doing things you didn’t think you could, watching the Lord flow through your heart and fingers, out into the world.

Three years ago, as the Pandemic and masks and debates began to warm, my life took a gentle but sharp turn. The Lord asked me to lay down the plans and dreams I had in the moment- as business owner and boyfriend- to embrace a new path. He asked me to step into the unknown, the unplanned, and undreamt. And so, over the summer of 2020, I prayed and cried and believed. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t put my faith in a scheme or strategy, rather I learned to be faithful and consistent.

I feel like I am still striving and learning to be faithful, allowing for results to be a result of a process rather than forced outcome. This life, my new life, is one that requires patience and grace because I fail everyday. Like, everyday. Without love, for myself, I’d give up and fall down a deep well of self-pity. And it is the Lord who whispers “I love you, Nik.” And if His words are the truest, than however I judge myself, I must be wrong. And what I learned to do over the last three years can be rendered into two words: try again.

What? Your mind isn’t melting? Yeah, I understand how underwhelming my big life lesson. But, it’s huge for yours truly. The internet and academics and my own thoughts/emotions are often stacked against me. The pull to settle for comfort and normal is strong. I’m too old, too unskilled, untested, and I lack discipline. No one would blame me if I settle into my job found a basic white lady and started pumping out kids. But, that’s not me. That’s not the journey I’m living. Faith means doing things you didn’t think you could, watching the Lord flow through your heart and fingers, out into the world.

Nik Curfman 5/26/23 Nik Curfman 5/26/23

Vol III: #84 Falling Off The Horse

The mystery of why do I fall out of good habits then have to battle anxiety and shame to get back on my horse? is a question to be answered another day. I know I’m not the only one with these types of battles. And perhaps what matters most is the doing. Who cares why? The opportunity I have shorten the timeline from falling off to getting back on. I know what I must do even if I don’t know why. That’s faith, right?

I was in a groove by late April: in bed by 9 pm, up by 5 am, good diet, daily trips to the gym, all of it. And then, I traveled a bit and fell off my horse, And I feel like I’m chasing that bastard, and he keeps running from me, one day into the next. I can’t quiet grip the reins, of feeling good about how I spend my time. Too much time playing video games, not enough reading or writing. It’s an odd pattern to live, and not one I want to continue. And yet, this moment has to be part of the progress.

The mystery of why do I fall out of good habits then have to battle anxiety and shame to get back on my horse? is a question to be answered another day. I know I’m not the only one with these types of battles. And perhaps what matters most is the doing. Who cares why? The opportunity I have shorten the timeline from falling off to getting back on. I know what I must do even if I don’t know why. That’s faith, right?

Nik Curfman 5/16/23 Nik Curfman 5/16/23

Vol III: #82 Two Weeks Ago

Two weeks ago, I was mired in a long losing streak. It was terrible. And as I wrote in my previous post, I hated feeling like a failure, but instead of running, instead of cutting my losses for safer ground, I dug in and went to work. After 43 years of life, I’d finally learned to run toward my flaws, not away from them. And yesterday, I closed my first sale. I texted a handful of my faithful supporters, and went out for noodles and ice cream to celebrate.

And then today, I received two more verbals commitments, meaning I’m signed paperwork away from closing two more sales. That’s makes three in two days. My hope is this new streak- a winning streak- is the beginning of something special, for me and our company. But mostly, I want to let myself enjoy the accomplishment, of fighting through fear and failure to do something I didn’t believe I could.

Nik Curfman 2/22/21 Nik Curfman 2/22/21

Abstract: Easy Life

I wish I could massage my brain with my fingers,

Rub all the worry and impatience away,

Smooth out my doubts.

I wish I could sip on certainty,

Breath conviction,

And eat victory.

I wish I could massage my brain with my fingers,

Rub all the worry and impatience away,

Smooth out my doubts.

I wish I could sip on certainty,

Breath conviction,

And eat victory.

Though, I’m sure some say it’s possible,

None of it is.

Maybe one day,

Years from now,

I’ll realize I’m a doubtless champion,

Unwavering and wise.

In the interlude,

I will punch through the sorrow and shame,

The impatience and fear.

I will use my words and choices,

My whispered declarations,

And my key strokes,

To carve my way from regret to graced,

To freedom.

(I have found no greater words than these:

I’m here Lord. I give you my life, and I trust you.

Your will be done in me and through me. I accept you peace, love, and joy.

I lay down my hopes, fears, and anger. Thank you for loving me.)

Walk in the Woods

Vol III: #85 But, Try Again

Vol III: #84 Falling Off The Horse

Vol III: #82 Two Weeks Ago

Abstract: Easy Life

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