Walk in the Woods

Daily Journal Nik Curfman Daily Journal Nik Curfman

Vol II: #13 The Gift of Counselors

It took ten years for me to understand one real but profound truth: I am not broken. What’s true is I am not very good at being someone else- a gentile southern man, task worker, or yes man. At age 40, I was set free of all that need to be something else. (Turns out, learning to be me isn’t as easy I thought, but that’s another post.) For my freedom, I have the Lord God and counseling to thank. Thank God for professionals who studied and are passionate about helping others. What a gift.

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The first time I visited a therapist, I cried in the waiting room. Most of the people leaving the back rooms were women. The only men were student counselors, which caused me to feel like a low-life. Obviously, my inability to be a man was obvious to me; my life so broken I needed professional help. When my name was called, I managed to wipe my face and force a smile—my effort to appear less pathetic than I was proved useless moments later. After a few questions from the counselor, I resumed my blubbering.

That first visit to a counselor occurred ten years ago. I was in the middle of a terrible relationship and lived through a string of abusive moments. I entered counseling because I thought something was wrong with me. What other people seemed capable of, like steady jobs and long-term relationships, was beyond my reach. I was an ashamed shadow of a man, too afraid to be himself and unable to let go of disappointment.

It took ten years for me to understand one real but profound truth: I am not broken. What’s true is I am not very good at being someone else- a gentile southern man, task worker, or yes man. At age 40, I was set free of all that need to be something else. (Turns out, learning to be me isn’t as easy I thought, but that’s another post.) For my freedom, I have the Lord God and counseling to thank. Thank God for professionals who studied and are passionate about helping others. What a gift.

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Journal: #168 Moving Forward, Facing My Fears

I knew as she said the words, asked the questions, and put her finger on the fears buried deep in soul, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward, one little act of faith at a time.

Today was a day. Wasn’t it?

What the Actual F*Ck?

A small band of desperate people stormed the Capital building at the direction of the President. For what? Why? Oh, that’s right. His lies. I am constantly amazed by the defense of Donald Trump from his supporters. They are deceived, and it’s sad to watch.

I want to go on record with something: Donald Trump was not, is not, and will never be God’s instrument. He’s a vulgar and selfish man who used fear and conspiracy to captivate honest people. In two weeks he will be an ex-President. Praise the Lamb.

RemeMber COVID?

Moving on, over 3600 people died in the United States of COVID related deaths. It’s the second highest total so far. Hospitals in Southern California are at max ICU capacity and beyond. They’ve begun to set up tents in the parking lot, and health care workers are at dangerous levels of exhaustion.

And Grief?

And, at 4:30 pm pacific, my roommate called to tell me his father had passed into eternity. In a small yet notable miracle, the hospital allowed my friend to be in the room for the final moments of his dad’s life.

Then’s there’s the day I had.

Pain and Exposed Fear

I woke up with stinging pain in my right shoulder, in two areas. Since I’m an old athlete, I figured I could “play through the pain.” When I got in my car I couldn’t shift into gear reverse and had to use my left hand. Instead of driving to work, I drove to the my pharmacy for extra strength Tylenol and a new heating pad.

Then, I went to see my new counselor, and I wasn’t prepared how that first session ended.

I went into the meeting with a clear goal, to get my active brain under control. Since I was child, I’ve always had trouble when I tried to focus one thought or activity at a time. And any time I misbehaved, got distracted, or couldn’t sit still it was accounted to me as being undisciplined. Turns out, I might have adult ADHD.

This potential diagnosis isn’t the unexpected bit. For a while I suspected I may have some sort of mental disability or disorder like ADHD or some type of depression. I’m not ashamed of it, and would rather know the name of the demon I’m up against. One way or another, I’m going to tackle that bastard, day-by-day.

Sure. Let’s Do this

The surprise came when my new counselor asked “when you thoughts run, are they negative?” I thought it was an odd question, but answered honestly. Sometimes. Then we began to discuss the negative thoughts. I realized they were mostly related to potential future events. Mainly, dating.

Of Course, I’m Scared to Date

Over the last ten minutes of our session, I saw where I’m afraid to date someone new. The thought depressed me for most of the afternoon, and I felt like I’d slid back into some past version of myself.

The one thing I want to avoid is to let fear run my life, to allow it to make decisions for me. But, that’s not what I’m doing.

Whenever I picture myself in a future relationship, I see it ending in a breakup. It usually happens in some manner I couldn’t predict, and I tell myself “that’s life.” This projection of failure keeps me on the sidelines. It fuels the excuses I give myself and allows me to postpone more pain. As long as a successful relationship is “out there in the future,” I don’t have to do anything right now.

The only honest reason I haven’t tried to date someone new is I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t find someone as good as Ms C. If I do happen to find someone as good or better than her, then I’m scared the relationship will end just like all the rest. I’ll be bewildered that I gave another woman everything I had, and it wasn’t good enough. She will still run away.

Faith is Hard When Fear is High

I thought Ms C was an amazing woman and was so thankful to have found her. I knew what I had in her and with her. It was good. So, it’s hard for me to imagine something as good or better. In my head, I know none of that is true. I know I’ll keep going and find my forever lady.

My heart wants to protect itself.

I knew as she said the words, asked the questions, and put her finger on the fears buried deep in soul, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward, one little act of faith at a time.

Time to Face my Fears

It’s unclear what moving forward looks like on this cold rainy evening. It could be as simple as downloading any of the dating apps onto my phone and give them a whirl. At this point, I’m just looking for a fun conversation.

It was a tough day full of literal, mental, and emotional pain. For a brief moment, I felt discouraged about my progress. Then, I went for a walk and met Jesus. He’s my forever friend and Guide. Days like today have and will always be part of my life, but they are not my story.

Today, I moved forward in life. I grew just a bit more, and I’m looking to the future with hope instead of fear. That’s the goodness of the Lord. This is His timing. Whether I think I’m ready or not, I’m moving with Him.

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