Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/30/21 Nik Curfman 6/30/21

Journal: #322 Random Coffee Thoughts

I am over-caffeinated right now. I can feel that my eyes are slightly bulgy, and my thoughts are frantic. Not bad frantic, just sporadic and quick. My ability to focus is suffering, which makes this a humorous enterprise— at the moment. As I type I am concerned about the looming coffee crash. Oh well. Perhaps this afternoon will require an extra dollop of grace.

Here’s a random sample of my brainscape:

This morning I went to Wal Mart to buy supplies for my trip to Mt Hood. The workers were busy re-stocking empty shelves, and the store was as peaceful as a Wal-Mart can be. Most of the employees looked middle-aged and tired— the type of workers with families and middle-aged concerns. Few made eye contact, even less smiled. Working for Wal-Mart probably carries few social perks. Netflix does not make specials on the glory of hourly work in big retail (the opposite is more little.) I wanted to hug each person I saw and thank them for their hard work.
Last year, I didn’t know what to do for my 40th birthday, so I fled to South Carolina. At the time, I thought throwing a party for myself would be lame. I do not think that anymore. If I want to host a party for myself, I will.
A loss of hope can usher in fear, which leads to the dark side of life— judgment, anxiety, shame, etc. As a Christian, whenever we lose hope, it’s an opportunity to turn to the Holy Spirit. In all likelihood, we need a new infusion of hope from the Lord, or we need to move on from the situation. No unnecessary handwringing or strain. (Or, as like as possible.) We need to grow more comfortable “moving on.” And, as always, the Lord is the answer.
I’m ready for an infusion of new friends. Nothing against my current friends. They are God’s goodness and grace to me. Most of them are also married, with kids. Even my two newest friends— Nathan and Hudson- will both be married by the end of October. I need the everyday type of community. (Which I lost when a certain couple moved back to Texas.)
My trip to Mt Hood is going to be emotional- in a good way. I can feel it.

This is a good place to stop. I have more thoughts but most of them are fragments. Tomorrow, I will write my entry from Oregon.

(God is good. All the time. Which means I am good…all the time. You too. Any voice, no matter how convincing, that tells us otherwise is bullshit.)

Nik Curfman 6/29/21 Nik Curfman 6/29/21

Abstract: Amazing Creation

I have no loyalty to concrete and steel,

the monuments to ambition.

I have no loyalty to concrete and steel,

the monuments to ambition.

My devotion is to the trees— older than my country,

the restless oceans,

and wild life hidden in them.

These are the creations worth guarding,

deserving love.

Living grace— gifts of God to every person in each generation.

Nik Curfman 6/29/21 Nik Curfman 6/29/21

Journal: #321 What Judgement Free Can Be

Slow and steady wins this race, and the one tomorrow. I’m not going to fail myself today regardless of how today ends. I asked the Lord to help me eliminate the judgemental voices in my head, and He’s doing it. Through a combination of grace and gratitude, I’ve kept my cool. I love it. If this is my future I’m excited.

My day began slowly today. I got up late, decided to skip going to the trails, and went for a short walk in my neighborhood. Due to work meetings, I had to shift my normal morning routine. For example, I am writing this post at 2 pm PST— when I prefer to write earlier in the day. I haven’t done yoga or finished my work. (Two projects are due today.) And yet…and yet…I’m cool as the underside of the pillow. It’s unusual. I’m typically in a frantic rush to appease all the voices. But not today, not right now.

(Correspondingly, I do not feel the need to make this post a certain length. I love that too.)

Nik Curfman 6/28/21 Nik Curfman 6/28/21

Abstract: A Fox In The Field

At the edge of the field,

to the left of a lone black oak,

I saw him.

At the edge of the field,

to the left of a lone black oak,

I saw him.

His ears were sharp,

and beneath them, his long nose sniffed the early morning air.

I remained motionless,

to prolong this moment to its full potential.

I studied his long tail,

tipped white as you would expect.

His black paws like Sunday church socks.

A beat later, a slight breeze at my back,

and the encounter was over.

All my stillness is no match for a shift in the wind,

and the smeller of a fox.

He circled to look at me,

then began to retreat into the woods.

Before he ducked behind a manzanita bush,

He looked back at me.

I could tell he was curious,

but his instinct led him onward.

Back to safety, he slipped.

I hope we meet again.

Nik Curfman 6/27/21 Nik Curfman 6/27/21

Journal: #320 Grace In Failure Is Key

In truth, I am a beginner in several areas of my life. If I treat myself without grace or kindness, I will fail. But, if I approach the coming years with patience, I will succeed. It’s that simple. The Lord is constantly saying this to me. I won’t win my race if I am constantly tearing myself apart. Hope must be part of even the most frustrating days.

Over the weekend, I had an epiphany concerning where I am and how I’m going to get where I want to be. Much of my consternation of late is due to my consistent fight with insecurity. I’ve written about this. You know. What occurred to me Sunday was why I feel insecure. It is because I’m stepping out on my own in ways other people do not. I’m climbing a different mountain than most, so I can’t expect other people to be able to understand what I do or will do. You might be saying to yourself “yes, of course.” Duh— is another. I’ve written about that too.

What I’m talking about is— my epiphany— is a source of new grace for myself. I am learning how to learn, how to grow, and remain committed. Learning how to learn and grow is what’s new. Adults tend to want to learn and become proficient at the same time. (I think of my brother. Having never hung cabinets in his life, he berated himself because the new cabinets he self-installed were not perfectly square. Hilarious stuff.) When we fail at a new task, we start to believe we’re too old or lack the intelligence to understand it. That’s where I’ve been- failing and hating it.

Nik Curfman 6/27/21 Nik Curfman 6/27/21

Journal: #319 Calm Before The Travel Storm

If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.

I took it easy this weekend— no easy feat. My mind would rather tell me what I’m not doing. Like anyone else, I have a list of items I could be doing. My list includes everything from fixing the boards on the back deck to vacuuming my car. I also have a few work-related tasks I could do. One particular customer is proving difficult to manage. I chose to not get hung up in her wash. What she needs can wait till Monday.

The main reason I decided to chill out this weekend is I will be super busy starting Wednesday. From June 30th to July 10th, I’ll be in travel mode. First, I’ll drive to Mount Hood in central Oregon. I love that area and look forward to hiking new trails. Then, like a jackass, I’ll drive home Sunday (July 4th.) I’ll have enough time to unpack, wash my clothes, and maybe catch the fireworks show. (Redding has a great show every year.) Early the next morning, I fly from Sacramento to New Orleans to visit with old friends for the week. I’ll travel over six thousand miles in ten days.

Today on my (boiling) walk, I asked the Lord to kill the judge in my head. I’m tired of the nagging and my daily dispersion of petty pronouncements. Who am I to judge others or myself? I know for a fact I am pushing myself on multiple fronts. I’m doing a good job. A weekend off is good. I’ll get back to the grind on Monday. More than any other time in my life I am pushing myself to run after what I want. It may appear meager and inconsistent, but I’m working on it. Every Monday is a fresh canvas for the week, and I treat them as such. Whatever happened— for better or worse- last week is over.

I know now, for me to be me, I’ve got to be self-motivated and disciplined. This means I decide when to put my head down, when to plow through marketing tasks, or further my trading knowledge. I can’t listen to the judge. He’s a relentless dickwad smart-ass. Nothing is good enough for him, because he’s obsessed with being cool. And of course, he’s smarter than everyone else in the room despite massive insecurity. He won’t let me relax or enjoy a lazy afternoon.

There’s a path forward through the canyons of self-judgment for me. I’m not sure what it is, but I know the Lord is good to answer my request. (Last summer I asked the Lord to reduce my sensitivity to the emotions of people around me, and He did.) If the last year taught me anything, it’s the Lord’s response to my problems are not what I think they will be. If I could make the judge vanish I would. But, I choose to believe there’s glory in whatever the Holy Spirit does for me. I know my promised land includes being and doing. No time for clever retorts and sharp observations. I want life to pour out of me, and soon it will.

Nik Curfman 6/26/21 Nik Curfman 6/26/21

Journal: #318 It’s Damn Hot

I’m not complaining or upset. (People who bitch about predictable weather patterns are silly.) Still, the sun slapped my face as I took out the trash moments ago. The intense heat shocked me. Thank God for air conditioning and ice. Eh? It does make getting my ten thousand steps/day a challenge. I have to get out early so I’m not stuck walking during the hottest parts of the day or backloading my evening.

Today was a searing day in Redding, California. The sun was relentless and strong and the sky was unable to produce any clouds. The heat bounced around our concrete neighborhood, delaying relief until sunset. We’ve entered the time of the year when life is controlled by summer’s weather. Tomorrow will be a copy of today. Pools and lakes are hitting peak popularity. Thankfully, the professionals say it cool a bit starting Monday, down into the low 100˚s. Believe it or not, 102 is noticeably less horrific than 112˚.

From now till mid-August will be the worst of it. It’s not so bad if the heat comes in broken waves. A few days above 100˚ is bearable if the temperature drops soon after. But, weeks of +100˚ is a killer. Cars become layered in dust and grit. I become a bit stir-crazy if I’m inside too long, and my drab apartment doesn’t help. (Ok, I am complaining a bit about the apartment. I am grateful for it and will be happy on moving day.) I wish my roommate were here.

I accept the heat of Redding. It’s part of life here in this strange corner of northern California. What I miss is people. I’m ready for new relationships and adventures. (Weather is just a thing— so long as it’s not humid.) In 11 weeks I’ll start BSSM. I know what awaits me there. For now, I want to make the most of the time I have left regardless of the temperatures.

Nik Curfman 6/24/21 Nik Curfman 6/24/21

Journal: #317 A Year Ago

I challenged myself to stay submitted, which I did. The last year had ups and downs, but I held onto Him. And, it was good. I moved on from the disappointments to where I am today, and I like it. Every day, I draw a little, invest a little, write a ton, and enjoy walks in the sun. These are all the things I wanted to do but wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy. Despite the heartache, I know this is the Lord’s plan for my life.

June 25th, 2020 was a Thursday. I worked on an email journey for a customer and talked to my friend Blake on the phone. Five days prior, I worked my last shift on the smoker, signed my ownership rights over to Jason, and officially moved on from ODell Craft BBQ. I didn’t have an idea what I should do next. Everything I planned and believed in was gone. I was in pain and directionless. My heart bled but remained hopeful. It was time for my faith to shine. The only course I knew was to cleave to the Lord and submit to Him.

All I had a year ago was a belief God had my back. Literally. That’s it. It was also the first time I fully submitted to His leadership. After 20 years of walking with Jesus, I finally said, “Ok, Lord. Let’s do this your way.” At that moment, I said goodbye to all previous motivation. I see now; I had to. Most of my motivation was controlled by my need for affirmation. I wanted people to value me; therefore, what they encountered was a dumbed-down version of me. It was a Nik quick to make amends, sound smart, and hungry for praise. It’s fitting I spent the last year working alone— without much praise. It gave me plenty of space to address my need for external affirmation.

This is how I want my life to be: to move with the Lord in the direction I should go. I spent the last year doing that. I hope I have many more.

Nik Curfman 6/24/21 Nik Curfman 6/24/21

Journal: #316 Only 14 Left

If you really want to know if you love a thing, do it for a year. You’ll either be tired of it or ready for more. I’m happy to report, I’m ready for more writing. I’m ready to improve my new craft— sentence structure, story-telling, vocabulary, etc. For now, I want to finish strong by hitting my goal of 330 blog entries in 365 days.

I’m really looking forward to the coming change in my writing schedule. This first year of writing was great, and now I’m ready for the shift. The process and commitment to posting a blog post every day was all the things: hard, annoying, fun, stretching, etc. I’m glad I did it. It got me into the habit of and craft of doing something every day. Of the 340 days, I posted something, I was super motivated half the time. Which means half the time I was not motivated. Today is a good example. This post is more about determination.

What I love about writing every day is how it pushed me to a) examine my life, b) express myself—especially when I want to withdraw, and c) pushed me to drop my perfectionist tendencies. I don’t have time to agonize over the subject matter or sentence structure, which is a good thing. And even though I repeat myself, this process gave me room to see me grow into myself. Some aspects of life- lessons if you will- I documented, and re-documented. How many times have I written about patience, grace, and my need for grounded routines? A lot, because it’s the season I’m in.

Only 14 left.

Nik Curfman 6/23/21 Nik Curfman 6/23/21

Journal: #315 Grief is Grief

Grief is grief regardless of source. Love does not say one person’s hurt is more painful than another’s. How dare we belittle a child or a friend? What’s tough for one person is not for another. Death is a real bitch for some people. Break-ups…are hard for some people. We all have some act or condition that breaks us. Grace, being what it is, does not classify them. Neither should we.

I spoke to my friend Blake for almost two hours last night. From the start I knew he was down. Blake is a man who wants to do right to each and every person in his life. I empathize with him. I do too. The problem is “doing right” for one person can and does often conflict with what is right for another. The grief of his brother’s death is still fresh. The whole family is hurting, but he can’t make everyone happy. Newly married, my friend is navigating what it means to choose his wife above all others.

As I listened to him, my heart broke. I can’t imagine being in his shoes. His mother lives alone, and his dad expects him for holidays. From my perspective the answers are clear, obvious even. It’s ok to be imperfect. Your life is complicated. Set boundaries and be gracious with yourself. How easy we find the answers for others. Yet, they seem hidden when we need them.

What alarmed me today was my attitude toward another friend of mine, another soul suffering from grief. This particular man has been through the wash for a while. To make matters worse, he lacks the self-worth and emotional tools to handle it. Alcohol is his medication of choice. I don’t judge myself for self-medicating. Why would I? But, I’ve judged him because I do not empathize with his plight. The problems in his life seem ordinary. Better put, he’s not justified to me. What a terrible thing for me to admit. The hypocrisy is truly evident. Who am I to say one grief is more valid than another?

Lord, forgive me for judging my friend (and family for that matter.) I’m sorry I did that, and I don’t want to do it again. Thank your for showing me this dark place in my heart. I want there to be only light. Your light. - Amen

Nik Curfman 6/22/21 Nik Curfman 6/22/21

Journal: #314 Moving Out of the Wilderness

As a man trying to leave the desert forever, I will now testify. It’s hard to move from my familiar dry place to the unknown. But, I am on the move. In the last year, I pushed past old traps and comforts. Each day I complete my routines is one day closer to walking in the fullness of my promised life. The main thing is to keep the Lord the main thing.

The wilderness is an essential part of the Christian life, and it’s been discussed by many people. I will not belabor my point. But as a reminder, the Jews walked out of Egypt into 40 years of desert wonder. John the Baptist was so wild; that’s where he lived. Even Jesus pulled a tour of duty amongst the sand and rocks. It is a place we must all go, but none are meant to stay. This concept of leaving what we know to venture into what’s possible is a big part of joy and frustration. All of us are excited about the possibilities, yet few of us ever set foot in our promises.

The journey from the wilderness to the promised land is a solitary trek. The trip requires effort powered by faith. Most of us have the courage to leave abusive environments but lack the faith to step into the calling and gifts the Lord made for us. Sadly, we settle in the desert, learn to survive on drops of water and occasional morsels of meat. Our hopes and dreams turn into mirages— painful hallucinations of what will never be. All the while, the Holy Spirit remains at our sides, ever-present and faithful.

While in prayer yesterday, I told the Lord I can’t go back. The conversation arose from my doubts. At that moment, I had questions for the Lord.* Always faithful, He answered. I can’t go back to self-destructive eating and watching life pass. I can’t stop writing or praying. There’s too much life in it. Slowly, I’m starting to look forward to each day rather than dread them. I see opportunity rather than pain, and I accept the probability of disappointment. So be it. Living in the land between bondage and promise isn’t fun or interesting. I’m ready to love and live. Time to move.

*My intellect is susceptible to the atheist argument. Even with all my time with the Lord and all I’ve experienced, doubts creep into my mind. Every day, I choose Him. I know better. I would be dead without the Holy Spirit.

Nik Curfman 6/21/21 Nik Curfman 6/21/21

Journal: #313 My Need For Routines

I am an unapologetic, emotional man. I feel my feelings in a very visceral manner— sharp and unavoidable. When I hope, it’s big. When I despair, it’s dark*. That’s the way I am, and I’m ok with it. What I had to learn was how to function within these swings of emotion. My routines help me level each day. On the hard days, I stumble through my routines. I mumble my prayers and squeak out blog posts. But, at the end of the day, I am proud I didn’t give in to the liars in my head. Despite feelings and thoughts to the contrary, I won the day.

My friend Blake texted me early today. He wanted to know if I ‘still practice daily affirmation.’ Of course, I do. After years of verbal self-destruction, I actively reclaim my mind and self-worth every day. It’s vital to walking in my calling. More than that, it’s vital to my sense of self. If I think and believe I’m shit, I will act like shit. This belief is also in direct conflict with the value the Lord placed on my life. It clashes with His promises. And ultimately, it leads to pain and suffering.

When I agree with the Lord— I am loved and worthy of love- the world becomes a place of wonder and opportunity. My thoughts or emotions no longer threaten me. My sin does not separate me from Him. Instead of holding on to what I’ve got, of expecting the worse, I begin to see what’s possible in my life. My behavior turns from self-protection and critical to hopeful and kind. (If I’m not kind, then I feel threatened.)

To be transparent, not every day is a winner. When I affirm myself and the word of the Lord over my life, it does not translate into a sudden burst of supernatural energy or power. This process is a daily grind, which can be difficult for me. As stated in previous blogs, I hate routine. Yet, I acknowledge I cannot live without them. My goal is to find the most life-giving and fruitful routines. It’s why I make my bed first thing in the morning, every morning. That little habit gives me a small but important sense of order and accomplishment. It’s like a little win to start my day.

*Good feelings can be as destructive as bad feelings. Feeling good Nik likes to spend money and eat whatever he wants. Feeling good Nik starts taking online classes and says yes to everything. Feeling good Nik has no limits. Thankfully, I learned to channel the good emotions into my routines and goals.