Journal: #269 Anger Doesn’t Defeat Anger

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This is my third different entry for today. The my first draft is about what it means to take the next step of faith in my life. I’ll publish it tomorrow. Then I started to write about the loneliness of moving on. I experienced loneliness last year when I stood up for myself in a handful of broken friendships. Only a few survived. What I wrote about today is a new loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness we experience when we start down the road less traveled by, which I intend to do. You will read about it Friday or Saturday. For today I want to discuss what a little shit I’ve been the last three days.

Yes, I’ve been a little shit. I’ve been angry and short-tempered. And, I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t he write about his yesterday? Yes, again. Sort of. I wrote about being triggered, but today was different. This afternoon, I hunted for people to fight, arguments to win. Lord, help. WTF is this?

On occasion, there’s no purpose in the “dig.” By dig, I mean the endless pursuit of trying to understand every flaw, motivation, and moment. On a day such as this, I find more solace in being gracious and kind. As I ambled down the side street a few houses away from my parents house, I decided to let go of trying to understand myself and the world around me. Then the Lord spoke, “You don’t fight rage with rage. You conquer rage with gratitude and hope.” I held up both fists in a mock fighting stance and laughed at the gesture.

Anger is a sign of suffering, and I’m too tired to figure out why. Regardless of the reason, the cure is love. It’s always love. Tonight, as I type, I choose to be accept the love of the Lord, and love myself. It’s the kindness of the Lord…that leads to everything good. l accept it.

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Journal: #268 Triggered

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Today was one of those days. I fought with so many people in my mind, and won so many arguments as my heart spiraled into a dark hell. At one point, I stopped myself from continuing, because the words that came out of my mouth made me cry. I was mean and nasty, a person I refuse to resurrect. And, it all started when I let my imagination run away from me. In common language, I was triggered.

I hate feeling triggered. I hate I defended myself to people who aren’t in my timezone. I loathe what I said. As I type these words, I hear an asshole behind me. He’s lying to me but sounds convincing. You’re slipping. Feels true. I feel distant from Jesus, even though I know it’s not true. He’s always with me. That’s His promise to me. I know He’s in my room right now.

The truth of today is simple. I was triggered by a thought and slipped into a defensive posture. Then I caught myself, and I agreed with the asshole. Thing is…I know better. I know the dragon wants fed. But, he needs to starve. We don’t beat fear by feeding it. We conquer it through faith. So from this dark day I reach into Heaven and declare Lord, I trust you. In the words of the song, Even when I can’t see it- You’re working. That is who you are.

I’m not an asshole. I’m a man who has- on occasion- shitty thoughts and shitty responses. It’s ok. I’m not shitty. I’m amazing. My life is good, and the future is unwritten.

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Abstract: Walking Away

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He was born a super star, under a star,

angels singing,

and magi rejoicing.

Aside from a brief adolescent tale,

His history remained silent,

locked away from us,

until He appeared ready to walk in His calling.

The Messiah.

Prince of Peace,

Emmanuel, God With Us.

The Lover and Savior of all Humanity.

Jesus, the Christ.

One tiny detail,

I never heard a preacher ‘splain,

was the act of what Jesus did,

to start what He did.

The Son walked away from His childhood home,

its comforts and security,

to embrace the challenge set before Him.

He made new friends,

up for the task,

and criss-crossed Palestine.

My King risked everything He know,

His relationships too,

to be all He was meant to be.

Our example of a Man,

determined to live out His call,

regardless of the price.

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Abstract: Desire of A Committed Heart

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I do not want to be great.

Donut be grate.

Donna be grayte.

Doena be gRRRRATE!

Yes I do.

I wanna play with angels and ride holy lions,

smoke the Jesus pipe and lay hands on the sick,

to see them recover.

I wanna steal slaves from the slave master,

lead them through the swamps of death,

onward to God’s Gloryland.

I wanna defy logic and breath fire,

soak in His kindness,

so when I stagger into a room,

It melts under His love.

I want atheists to KNOW!

To be shook to their core,

Jesus is real.

Religion is shit,

and church is a mess,

But Jesus? He’s real.

If my politics, intellect or style,

prevents me from all this,

strip me now Lord.

No knowledge is worth holding,

no experience worthy of loving,

than to know and experience Your covering.

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Journal: #267 I Wanna Walk On Water Too

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The miracles Jesus performed remain the biggest challenge (and encouragement) to my faith. My favorite is when He turned water into wine. Of all His miracles and displays of God's glory, it is the most unnecessary. Walking on water was epic too. At least a stroll amongst the waves was practical. The wedding party didn't need more alcohol to fuel their celebration.

Then we read of the mercy and faith miracles. The woman who bled, i.e. had a twelve year menstrual cycle, was so desperate and sure. The Roman Centurion knew he wasn't worthy of Jesus, yet he knew Jesus would heal his beloved slave. And then we read of the Canaanite (modern day Lebanese) woman who refused to give up when Jesus said no. Move by her persistence and faith, Jesus acted on her behalf.

When I read through Matthew or Mark, I'm overwhelmed by the shear volume of supernatural power. Then the voice of the judge begins to speak to me. I begin to compare my life to my Savior's. And, I do not measure up. (Newsflash: I never will.)

I know any attempt to compare myself to Jesus is foolish. Moreover, my life is not devoid of the miraculous. Of late, I'm battling the temptation to settle for less as I walk with the Lord. I'll just do my reading and say my prayers. It would be nice if miracles happened, but I don't need them. All lies. I want more. I didn't sign up for an average/miserable walk with the Lord. I did...I did...sign up to walk with Him, wherever it He leads. And, this season is about developing faith and consistency. It's not about excellence or the extraordinary. And still, I trust the visitation, visions, and divine interventions will come.

I'll walk on water one day, in this life or next. In the interim, I want to learn how to shine. I want to learn how to interject love and the Lord's kindness into my life and lives around me. Words are too often underrated. So Father, teach me how to use my words to bring life to the dying and water to the thirsty. May your kingdom advance through me.

Amen.

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Journal: #266 An Odd Forward Move

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A short yet significant post will do today. I’m officially happy to announce I internet-stalked someone for the first time in a few years. Felt good. Felt like I’m moving forward. She’s a friend of a friend…of a friend. Odds are I’ll never meet her, but it was nice to be slightly interested in someone new. And who knows, stranger things have happened.

I will now take time to explain exactly what I mean by “internet-stalked.” It’s 2021. Everyone googles the name of a person of interest. It’s what we do. I did it to my last girlfriend and she admitted she googled my name too. In my case it’s simple fact-finding. Now that I’ve done it, I’ll move on. All I did was look to confirm my impression. And, yes. She seems like a cool lady. It’s a good reminder. There are lots of cool ladies out there.

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Abstract: What I Am Doing

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I sat on the far end of old leather couch,

as I considered my options to the query, “What do you want to do?”

The previous twelve months was pock-marked with anger, misunderstanding, and unrealized hopes,

and now I was being asked if I want to disband or continue.

Two competing thoughts flashed in my weary mind:

I could remain at my post to continue the fight,

or I could wonder off into the unknown,

no clue what I might find.

I prayed in silence,“Lord, what’s best?”

And strained my ear,

To hear the wisdom from my God.

Without pause He replied,”remove the fear.”

Of course, I chose the later,

but not for weariness or anger,

rather faith in the Father,

that His lead is all that matters.

And now, a year removed from my moment of repentance,

I ask myself the same question,

and task myself to live up to that glorious moment,

where my life truly began.

Without fear I will,

Walk, sprint, and climb mountains,

Write, construct, and build creations of my origin,

Love and allow other to love me,

Teach, nurture, and guide,

Sit with the ashamed in their darkness,

And celebrate life friends,

Stumble, heal, and run again,

Declare God’s goodness,

And live free until my last breath in.

Not what will I do,

but what I am doing,

and will do:

To live out every vision and destiny He planted in me.

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Journal: #265 Godly Books

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I am not an avid reader. Not yet. I read in great spurts when my mind or heart is hungry for knowledge. My appetite will last for weeks to a few months. Then I reach a point of satisfaction, my belly full of new ideas and stories. I find humor in it now, but this feast or famine pattern bothered me until my late 30’s. It didn’t suit my desire as an intellectual. After all, smart people read. Do they not?

At 40, I care less about the intellectual thing. If I am judged by the books I read or number consumed, I'm hanging with the wrong people. I like that I read in sprints, because I prefer to read when prepared to receive the story. For example, I needed two years to finish Tattoos on the Heart. It’s not a hard read. A serious reader might finish it in a day. I could not. Most of the stories gripped my heart, leaving me in snotty tears. The best I could do was a few pages a week.

So, why am I talking about my reading habits? That's a good question I will now answer: Two days ago I picked up a book given to me last summer by my business coach Kirk. It's called The War of Art, which is about the battles creatives wage when we attempt to face our fears. Much like Tattoos on the Heart, I am challenged every 2-3 pages.

I love it. I love the timing of it, and the fact the content speaks to an area of my life where I need help. (God is so good, eh?) What I need is courage to create, to risk being misunderstood. The author- Steven Pressfield- is a skilled warrior in this fight. Through his words, he stands at the top of the ridge calling me onward. Perfection isn't real. It's about the doing. The opinions of others do not sculpt or draw, write or sing. It's about the doing. The Lord knows this, which is why He put nuggets like The War of Art in my path.

I thought about this dynamic this afternoon. Kirk gave me a book, not a link to podcast. I don't listen to podcasts. Not my thing, which Kirk does not know. My Father does. He also knows I need encouragement and what my reading habits are. So, He gave me a book last summer to ferry me from where I am to where I want to be. Amazing.

Thank you Lord for loving me in extraordinary ways. Thank you for books and wisdom. And, your tireless devotion to me. I love you.

Amen.

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Abstract: Joy of Simple Joys

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When the sun relents,

and the air blows cooler than normal,

on a spring day in South Carolina,

soak it in.

Squeeze every drop of joy from it,

stop to consider the blessing it is,

and how rare it is.

Then thank the Lord,

for beautiful spring days,

of the unexpected,

and the joy of simple joys.

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Journal: #264 Not A Business Partner

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I sat in a video meeting late yesterday afternoon. The sun was beginning to hide behind the treetops, and I wanted the call to end as soon as possible. Then, during a discussion on ad strategy, it happened. The four partners of the firm voted to buy new software. In doing so, they confirmed I was not one of them. I wasn’t a partner in the new agency despite my interest in it.

The new marketing company formed in March. Its purpose is to assist direct-to-customer businesses. Before formation, they approached me to gauge interest in a leadership role. Not long after the discussion the agency rolled into action. Business ensued, but the topic of the partnership was never mentioned again. So, I was a bit jarred by the casual exclusion displayed in our meeting.

I’m not stupid or naive. I knew meetings happened without me. Whatever the rationale or cause, they decided four was enough. My only complaint is the lack of communication in regards to what happened. I love the men who employ me. They value integrity and honesty. I choose to honor them by believing they did not intend to leave me in dark.

Here’s the rub: I don’t care. Well, part of me cares, and part of me does not. The insecure little boy inside my chest tries to make it about his self-worth. He wants to round up the suspects and demand answers, hold an interrogation. The grown-ass man confident in his abilities and future knows better. He doesn’t want a long-term future in marketing, so he’s not offended by his exclusion. There is no logic to my anger or feelings of rejection when I plan to leave as soon as possible.

In a small way, I’m happy I am not part of the partnership. 2019 and 2020 taught me about what partnership is and is not. Successful partnerships need a common purpose and vision. And, they live on a passion for the mission. My last partnership died because I didn’t have the same passion for the business my partner has. I have many other interests and passions. As a result, I was unwilling to make the sacrifices to be great. Jason will do whatever it takes to see his vision become reality. I am not. Same for any marketing business. It’s a means to an end. My end, of working for other people.

Today I understood the battle I’m in. It’s with me. I have a chance to beat down the insecure Nik. The insecure me longs to read into every slight and judge me as unworthy. I will not let it happen. My long-term vision does not have room for a marketing partnership. And, I will be gracious with my friends. Love is the ability to overcome mistakes, sins, and flaws with grace and kindness. I will love myself and my friends, because that’s what is important to me.

Thank you Jesus for road you led me down. I am no longer a child without purpose or vision. I am have both. Thank you for pointing out the pain I’ve held in my heart, and I let go of the rejection of being passed over.

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Immediately after I posted this, I looked at the picture I chose for this post. At the time I picked it I knew it was a No Parking sign. I was drawn to the slash through the P, as in Not a Partner. But now I see it as a prophetic statement from the Lord. I’m not suppose to park my ass in this profession. This is a season of moving on and growing up. No time to sit still.

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Journal: #263 Writing Every Day Is A Helluva Goal

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I don’t have much in the tank today, and not because I’m overwhelmed. Today was a good day. The weather was cool for South Carolina in late April. I enjoyed my strolls more than normal as a result. Work went well. And, I got to spend some quality time with my parents. Also, and this is an important point, I don’t feel anxious, afraid, or guilty. It’s nice.

This writing everyday goal is a helluva challenge. In talking to my author friend in Sacramento two weeks ago, her eyes grew three sizes when I told her how often I write. I realized it’s not normal. Adding together my blog posts, handwritten journaling, and poems, I’m on pace to write over 200,000 words. It’s enough to fill two large novels.

When I began this quest to blog every day I couldn’t comprehend the demands needed to finish the task. I started with a simple Tumblr blog and a desire to express myself. I still want to express myself. I haven’t lost my voice, but on days such as this- I’m at a loss for words. I’m ok with it. Come July, I’m going to make some changes in line with my goals for year two. As of now, I’ll continue to grind and hone my new craft, whether I have the words or not.

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Journal: #262 Life Without Fear

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If I confess to one major flaw or weakness in life it is my tendency to give into fear. My fears include people(what they believe about me), failure, heartbreak, and being irrelevant. I’m also afraid of dying young, being alone, and wondering away of the Lord. As I see the words appear after I type them I feel silly. Am I really afraid of failure? Or what people think? Yes. Perhaps not every moment of the day or in every interaction, but I do. It’s enough to shape my life.

Last summer I was given the opportunity to confront these fears. By June, I failed as a business partner and my heart broke into pieces after the woman I wanted decided she didn’t want me. All of these moments were very public, and I had to decide how to react to them. Recently, I pondered that time in my life, because I handled it well.

It was a warm and sunny day, that first Monday in June. I went to meet Jason to discuss our business. My heart was in shards as 24 hours prior, on a sunny Sunday, my beloved girlfriend ended a sweet but incomplete relationship. Jason looked nervous yet resolute. He chose his words carefully, as if rehearsed, “I think it would be best for the business to end our partnership.” I wasn’t shocked, and yet I was. He knew I was going through a breakup. He knew I was sick(with a stomach issue.) I suppose he didn’t care. Why should he have to wait a few days? That’s just who he is. The world could fall down around him and he’d do whatever he was going to do.

Something about how he phrased it “it would be best for the business” didn’t sit well with me. I pressed him when I asked, “Is this what you want?” Eventually, he said yes. Then he asked, “What do you wan to do?” I didn’t have an answer. We chatted some more. He asked again and then a third time. After the third ask, I began to feel angry. It was obvious to me Jason decided June 1st was the day he’d begin to move on without me. Fuck whatever was going on with Nik. His business was more important than any person, which he proved as much in that moment. (I hate the way American culture lauds men for steamrolling people.) I didn’t want to be angry as I sat on the far end of the couch. In truth, Jason is a good man, trying to be a good man. He’s just flawed.

I told Jason to give me a few moments to consider my options. As I saw it I had two primary choices. I could stay on and try to make our partnership work. While I didn’t love the company or working with him, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to build a business and make Redding proud. My other option was to leave, onto some unknown “next thing.” As I examined each choice, I said a quick silent prayer, “Lord, what do I do?” He immediately responded, “Remove the fear, then what do you want to do.” The answer was clear as clean water. I turned to Jason and said, “Yeah, let’s end it.”

I’m not sure what Jason expected, but I think he was surprised by my answer. Maybe because I fought with him about so many parts of the business he saw this as an easy concession. Or, it’s possible he was saddened in some way to know our partnership was ending. Regardless, I don’t think he expected me to give him a strong answer. I must confess, by June I was ready to leave Jason. I hated being his partner and often felt enslaved to his process and way of doing business. I was loud about it, but he held all the power. Of course I didn’t want to stay in that relationship. Who would? My fear was of what was to come once I left.

The conversation and Jason’s insistence on an answer gave me a gift in the form of opportunity. The Lord knew I would fail. He also knew I’d turn to Him, and His call to me was to push past fear, to move in faith. I didn’t leave Jason because I was angry at him. I left because I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to write and hike, to be able to spend my weekends with my friends rather than stuck at an event. It was the moment I let go of control and said yes to the Lord. I didn’t have a clue what was to come or how I’d pay my bills, but He did.

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Today, while I walked down the street behind my parents house, I thought about that day in June. I thought about what it looked like to stare down fear and act in faith. Then I asked myself a similar question the Lord asked me ten months ago, “Nik, what would you do if you removed the fear?” I’m happy to report I’d continue to live life the way I have the last ten months. I admit fear of people and rejection still creeps around my heart, but I am mostly driving toward what’s in my heart to do. The major difference is I will let go of my need to prove myself, and be me.

Thank you Lord, for the kindness of Your challenges and the patience to offer them.

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