Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/11/21 Nik Curfman 6/11/21

Journal: #303 Nik to Major Tom

Today, I promise to be the man I want my children to know. I promise to be bold and courageous, to face whatever lies between me and my best life. I reject the wordly lies. I reject the idea only some people can live out their dreams. I reject fear and complacency. Today, I’m Major Tom. I’m climbing in my tin can and shooting far above my known world.

I just typed a bunch of nonsense and spent too much time doing it. I know what I want to write, but my mind is censoring my heart. It’s a bit like trying to mold clay. The sculpture is there, waiting to be discovered. And so, with today's post, the subject is there (the obligation each of us has to walk in our calling and destiny), but I’m unwilling to let it out. I’m afraid to offend parents who use their children as an excuse to be powerless. Now that I’ve exposed my hesitation, I’ll continue.

This morning, my roommate sent me a text about Major Tom. That led to a discussion of the movie Walter Mitty. However, the song Space Oddity, more commonly known as Major Tom by David Bowie, is my favorite. The tune has many interpretations ranging from the lows of drug abuse to facing the unknown with courage. I prefer the latter perspective.

As my readers know, I’d rather face the unknown than live a life of boring routines. It’s a luxury for me to be able to think this way. Most people are hung up trying to take care of someone else, a spouse, a child, or a parent. I’m privileged, and I know it. We are born, educated, and told to get a job. It’s the happy few who can take stock of what they really want- how they want to impact the world. Many people are in debt and family deep by the time they realize who they are. More importantly, we are often locked into life-sucking patterns and sequences. My heart hurts for the parents and spouses married to lives radically different from want they wanted from life.

I recognize the commitment required to be a good partner and parent. I don’t dismiss or encourage anyone to be a shitty husband or wife. However, children and responsibilities are not an excuse to live in misery. Each one of us has a passion and a destiny. The denial of the pursuit of these passions and destinies leads to sick hearts. Self-denial is NOT healthy. (There’s a difference between self-denial and self-discipline. One is a state of self-defeat, and the other is a state of self-care. Suffering unfulfilled dreams is not the same as suffering the temptation of a brownie.)

I’m committed to venturing into my promised land. It’s mine, and the desert is boring. At times I was willing to sacrifice my desires for a woman and a family. Now I realize I don’t have to. My mission is to be me, to marry someone who is who she is, and to raise our kids to do the same. What a glorious part of my destiny. My task today is to be the man I want my future children to respect and follow. I don’t want to tell my kids how life should be lived. I want to model it for them.

It’s an odd thought to have, but I’m glad I’m thinking it. As single as I am, I want to be the man my kids will respect. I want them to know how to live their best lives because they see me doing it. I want them to see me love the Lord, love their mother, and myself. Then I want them to be little Major Toms. I want them to explore, create, and grow. They won’t learn what I can’t teach them, so I owe them my best effort. I owe it to them to be me, to explore, to create, and grow.

Today, I promise to be the man I want my children to know. I promise to be bold and courageous, to face whatever lies between me and my best life. I reject the wordly lies. I reject the idea only some people can live out their dreams. I reject fear and complacency. Today, I’m Major Tom. I’m climbing in my tin can and shooting far above my known world.

Nik Curfman 6/10/21 Nik Curfman 6/10/21

Abstract: Fighting For Better

Who of us hasn’t felt incomplete and unqualified,

destined to toil away as bush-leaguer?

This is one of the most human conditions,

shared by everyone fighting for better.

The days I don’t want to write,

when I don’t feel smart or clever,

when all the air is out of my balloon,

these are days for writing too.

Who of us hasn’t felt incomplete and unqualified,

destined to toil away as bush-leaguer?

This is one of the most human conditions,

shared by everyone fighting for better.

Nik Curfman 6/10/21 Nik Curfman 6/10/21

Journal: #302 Regular People

What I was drawn to today was what the gospels don’t say about any of these people. None of them were called talented, smart, or gifted. None of them were from prestigious families, held positions of power or status. What they were was faithful and dedicated. The goodness and joy of the Lord are in the dedication to Him, to His kingdom. It’s a truth I forget while I’m trying to prove my worth to the world. Thank God for Luke, and his inclusion of regular people.

The Gospel of Luke is my favorite Gospel to read. The author— often believed to be Paul- told us a more complete story than the other three. Thankfully, he fills gaps the other gospels miss. In the first three chapters alone, Luke details the birth of John the Baptist, provides the only details for Jesus’ birth and several visits to Jerusalem. It’s not Shakespeare, but it’s easier to read than the other Gospels.

I read it like a movie script. The elderly parents of John the Baptist (Zacharias and Elizabeth) were barren until the proper moment. Then the Lord used them to prepare the way for the Messiah. Their eccentric son’s preaching and calls for repentance trained the hearts of the people toward Heaven. Not only that, shepherds receive a visit from “an angel of the Lord”, old servants (Simeon and Anna) see promises fulfilled, and 12-year-old Jesus decided he was gonna stay in the temple rather than go back to Nazareth (or where ever Jesus grew up.) These details and people give us color and context to the world Jesus entered.

They also help us gain a more clear understanding of how the Lord works.

The birth, life, and resurrection of Jesus are not about a superhero God. It’s the story of our Father God, working through us, to bring His family together. That’s what I love about the first few chapters of Luke. While the other gospel jump into the life of Jesus, the Gospel of Luke shows us what other people experienced in the life and time of Jesus.

Think about this statement from Elizabeth:

“This is the way the Lord has dealt with me in the days when He looked with favor upon me, to take away my disgrace among men.”
- Luke 1:25 NASB

It’s sad to think about Elizabeth, her barren condition prior to this moment. She was a disgrace…for no good reason. She wasn’t a jerk or menace. She was infertile until she wasn’t. How human is that? How often do we feel ashamed about life beyond our control? The most important aspect of this statement is where it came from. Either the author of Luke imagined it…or Elizabeth told her story to at least one other person. (Given the details about Mary in Luke, I think it’s Mary or someone super close to Mary.)

Nik Curfman 6/9/21 Nik Curfman 6/9/21

Journal: #301 Original Post Deleted

Yesterday, I wrote a detailed post about the drawing above. I described my process and the pride I feel when I look at that drawing. Then, through the miracle of technology, the entire post disappeared into the digital void forever. Oh well. (Still counts toward my total of 330 posts.) I may re-write the post later today. But this post is purely a placeholder for the original.)

Love y’all. More later today.

Nik Curfman 6/8/21 Nik Curfman 6/8/21

Journal: #300!

I’m confident I’ll finish 330 posts in 365 days. The experience is teaching me. I’ll illuminate more in the final week of writing. For now, I’ll end this short post by saying I’m glad I decided to do something. I’m glad I stuck to it. Good things happen when decisions are made and supported.

Today is post #300! I’m genuinely stoked I’m this close to my goal of 330 posts in 365 days. With 30 more to write by 11:59 PM July 10th, I have 32 days to hit my target. It’s going to be close, and I have some travel in early July. WiFi will be spotty when I go hiking around Mt Hood before Independence Day. Then I’ll be with friends in Nee Orleans for a week. (Friends can be the bigger distraction of them all.)

Nik Curfman 6/7/21 Nik Curfman 6/7/21

Journal: #299 Let Go (Again)

God is good y’all. I keep learning the same lessons, and the Lord is faithful to keep teaching them. I don’t know what complete victory looks like, but I know what progress is. Today, I found my way back to the Lord as I decided to let go.

Ever have your brain turn something small into something stupid? I do, all the time, as in five minutes ago. I went through a range of emotions covering indifference to “giving up on life because what’s the point?” It happened so fast. I’m laughing at myself through a bit of shame. First of all, buddy, who are you? Second, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BRO? LOLOLOLOL. So much happens between my ears. And quickly. Whether a hope or fear, the thought sets the feel in motion. I grateful the Lord taught me how to question my anxiety and fears.

Nik Curfman 6/6/21 Nik Curfman 6/6/21

Journal: #298 I Hate(d) Day Planning

My dad tried to gift me a day planner at age 14. It didn’t go well, as the moment ended when my dad chucked the day planner into the trash. As a teenager, I was not about to look like an overachieving adult. No sir. I wanted to fit in, to be cool. No one I knew carried a day planner, and I wasn’t about to start the trend.

I am not a huge fan of calendars or day planners. My dad tried to gift me a day planner at age 14. It didn’t go well, as the moment ended when my dad chucked the day planner into the trash. As a teenager, I was not about to look like an overachieving adult. No sir. I wanted to fit in, to be cool. No one I knew carried a day planner, and I wasn’t about to start the trend. He took my rejection personally. I was too immature to see or understand how a clunky notebook would help me. The tabs, dates, and general nerdiness of the “Day Planner” were dorky and uncool.

Fast forward to being a grown-ass adult, and I’m scouring the internet for a day planner/productivity booster. I still harbor reservations about such tools. They are only as good as the person willing to use them. (The best tool or software is useless if unused. Big Tech spends billions every year to drive user adoption. The more a company uses a product, the harder it is to make a change.) I know my choice of which app is less important than my dedication to using it.

All of the personal productivity apps are similar. They start with easy to achieve goals and build on those easy wins. Using quotes, social status, and notifications, each system is designed to keep users focused on their goals. The science is solid. Start small, reward achievement, repeat. Most apps give the user simple choices in problematic areas- sleep is a big one. And, they all offer a free trial week. I downloaded a few before I settled on Productive. We’ll see how it goes.

My goal is to make some major shifts in how I spend my time. I want to be the most productive in the areas that matter most. Turns out, I’m encountering the most resistance in those areas. So, time to shift my approach. I often underestimate how practical solutions can remove old hurdles. Perhaps an app designed to track my goals is needed? I don’t know if it’ll work, but I’m will to try.

Nik Curfman 6/4/21 Nik Curfman 6/4/21

Journal: #298 Ever Shifting Community

In all seriousness, I need new people in my community. The question is, do I suffer this summer in silence, or do I make an effort with what I’ve got? I know I need people- every single day. That’s why I was so very thankful for today. I hope for more, and if it doesn’t happen, September will be here soon.

One skill I am proud to possess is the ability to maintain friendships over time and space. It’s a real blessing to be able to share life with so many quality people. One intriguing aspect of having such a wide group of good friends is the cycle of contact and communication. I enjoy watching some relationships fade to the back while others shine for a spell. Then, like a lava lamp, the flow reverses. Cold relationships become warm again as memories and updates swapped.

The last year has been one of social isolation. Between COIVD and remote work, I rarely see people. Today was a bit of an anomaly. I went for a hike in the morning with Hudson, then hosted Alex for dinner tonight. It was nice. The older I grow, the more work I’ve got to put into my friendships. Nearly all of my friends are married, and most are several children deep into family life. Ironically, their single friend in Redding is not as important as their screaming daughters. What jerks.

Nik Curfman 6/3/21 Nik Curfman 6/3/21

Journal: #297 Living One Day At A Time

Something about how Cindy (the Client) talked about little steps and big success touched me. It was as though a door clicked open in the space between my head and my heart. In that instant, my head let go of trying to predict the future. And my heart let go of the need for feedback. (My head and heart are often at odds, but not on this.) The truth is the biggest buildings are constructed one piece, one beam, one brick at a time. We see the finished work but rarely the amount of planning, organization, and resources required to build it. It’s the same with each of us. Whatever is good and true requires time and dedication. Contrary to popular Christian myth, welcome change is rarely sudden or immediate.

I believe I have a subtle yet powerful force at work in my thought life. It’s a very human condition; therefore, I harbor no guilt. Embarrassed is the best word to describe how I feel. I’m embarrassed it took me this long to see it for what it is. I, like most people, try to control my life. I know. What a shocking revelation! Except it isn’t a revelation. I’ve written about “letting go” and “keeping it simple with God.” In fact, every single day of my life, I say, “Lord, your will be done in my life.” Comically, I spend the remainder of my day trying to avoid mistakes and “the wrong path.”

Today, on a business call, my client said something old in a slightly new way. She is starting a podcast and wants to name it Small Steps, Big Success. I think it’s a catchy name for an ancient axiom: slow but steady wins the race. Of all the lessons of the last year, this is one of the top three. (Along with Be Honest and Keep it Simple.) Of all my goals of the last year, writing every day taught me the most. I 100% believe anyone can change any aspect of their life if they show up every day. People who lose weight don’t have perfect diets or work out ten times/day. (They did learn to get back up when thrown from the horse. They learned how to keep a bad food week from turning into a bad food month.)

So, I’m going to focus on each day. Doing the little things. That’s it. Simple.

Nik Curfman 6/2/21 Nik Curfman 6/2/21

Journal: #296 What Success Is

I’m so hung up trying to pick the right places to pour myself into. I believe- as of today- part of me exists in the arts and investments. This belief requires me to learn and grow, be content at the back of the line, and be the newbie— again. So be it. I’m not going to burden myself by trying to make perfect decisions. I put my life in the Lord’s hand and I’ll follow His lead. In this way, I am a winner. My decision is to love the Lord and pursue him. That’s what success is.

Success in the Lord is not a list of accomplishments or a clean plate. It’s showing up. It’s scratching our way out of personal prisons to escape into His presence. Because. He’s always there regardless of how distant it feels. When I was at my lowest, ready to end it, He was there. On the days I was rejected by employers, friends, and old girlfriends, my God was with me. More than that, He was with me when I was born, won awards, and made new friends. He is present in my hopes, and He is patiently dismantling my fears. The process is to become more like Him, which is not measured in human terms. Success in the Lord ultimately is measured in hope, patience, and love.

This morning I was blessed by the goodness of the Lord. He reminded me how faithful He’s been to me. It was an interesting moment because the Lord chose to prove Himself to me. My hope is our future is more inclusive— less about me and my plans. I want my future to be about what He and I do together. However, that’s not what the Lord was saying this morning. His message to me was of His undying devotion to me (and you.) It’s not what I do.

Nik Curfman 6/1/21 Nik Curfman 6/1/21

Abstract: Enjoy The Grind

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed to live without obligations to a wife or children.

I can take risks and change direction midstream.

As I have.

I realize my advantage, and I will honor it.

It seems to me, for the people who love what they do,

they love the grind of the process and as a result the process demands little of them.

It’s not work- they soul-sucking kind—if you enjoy it.

It’s why every single job has someone who is happy and many who are not.

None of us were born to file files, write emails, or organize shelves.

No child has yet to answer “I wanna be a customer service representative for a shitty cable company” when they grow up.

High school kids are not prepared to punch a clock simply to wait for the day to end.

No mid-level manager is thrilled by presentations or report computations.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed to live without obligations to a wife or children.

I can take risks and change direction midstream.

As I have.

I realize my advantage, and I will honor it.

My task is to find what I will enjoy, even in the grind.

Nik Curfman 6/1/21 Nik Curfman 6/1/21

Journal: #295 The Next 60 Days

The goals I have include: Lose 30 pounds, grow my investment account by $2000, finish my drawing classes, finish my investment courses, and use the camera I bought to take pictures of my travels. Here in June, I’ve got a lot of writing to complete. Today is post #295, meaning I have 35 more posts to write in just 40 days. I can (and will) take a mere five days off from writing. Given my travel schedule in early July, I need to save my off days until then that time. To adjust, my posts will be intentionally shorter.

May was a long month or seemed to be. I began the month in South Carolina, flew back to California on the 3rd, and battled a series of emotional lows the rest of the month. Last week was better, and I’ve patiently waited for today to arrive. It’s a new month packed with fresh possibilities. I’m excited to start new goals and go camping.

Since May was a scramble, I will be more deliberate in June and July. It’s going to be 61 days of working, exercise, learning, and doing. No more random days and wasted time in front of the TV. There’s nothing to watch anyway. I might as well put this summer to good use. Hopefully, it’s my last summer as a single man. (Who knows? Some aspects of that hope are completely out of my hands. I won’t force it. I’d rather be single than headed toward a shitty marriage or divorce.)

I look forward to the day I type “#330” into the header. It will mark the first time I set and accomplished a goal like that. What I mean is, this is the first “Nik only” goal. I didn’t have structure or someone pushing me. I have a small audience, so no one would miss me if I stopped. To write and post #330 blog posts without outside motivation is a big deal. It’s proof I can do something completely on my own. I needed this experience to boost me into more challenging endeavors. Success isn’t what I thought it would be. I thought it would come in the form of a growing audience. Each day I press “Publish,” is a successful day.

The next 60 days will include new goals and the completion of old goals. I can’t wait to see how it plays out. God is good, and I believe the next 60 days are going to be magical.