My Tortured Relationship With Being a Creator
This is not the vision in my head. It is very imperfect. Looks like a high schooler did it. Just give up. You suck.
I can barely type letters. Even the mental/emotional exploration of this topic is fraught with heart ache. I am, at the moment, sitting leg-crossed on my bed with tears rolling down my cheeks, snorting snot down the back of my throat.
I envy…sit in awe of…and find inspiration in those who put their creative heart on display for the public to ridicule- even worse, to nothing it. No response, no emotion or consideration. Blank stares and the eventual movement onto their next moment in life.
I don’t want to be a nobody, the kind of nobody most people quickly wonder over. Can’t help but know, deep down, this stems from my need to be validated- my self-destructive desire to have others recognize my (in this case) artistic greatness.
My thoughts are drifting to two separate but valid points:
1) A new friend started painting ten months ago. I believe he dabbled a bit in various arts before settling on painting. In all honesty, his work was childish eight months ago, six months ago, five months ago, but now he’s evolving. His colors and techniques are better. His style is similar to Jackson Pollack, quick and chaotic. He churns out five to six paintings a session, every week.
And he’s getting better. I’m excited to see where he’ll be next year, in three years, in ten years.
My point, and why I mention him, is he proves the theory of determination. Hudson is the type of guy who does shit regardless of what other people think. And he does care about the criticism of his work, but he doesn’t let it stop him.
2) My approach to painting or sculpture is often experimental and in a series. I don’t think of a single work or concept, I think of series of works to demonstrate an intricate and usually very nuanced idea. One piece isn’t designed to stand alone, but be part of a larger community of pieces- my eternal belief we are all connected. Nothing is alone: actions, thoughts, feelings, and consequences.
So…
What stopped me from pursuing creative endeavors is not the fear of failure, but the fear of being overlooked and passed over. I don’t know how Van Gogh did it. He barely sold any of his work in his lifetime.
Given my current position in life- attacking all the fears- I do declare now is a a great moment to go after a very deep longing to create. I acknowledge my deficient skills and talents. I also recognize the rule of determination and self-love. I need to do this.
My commitment is to continue the technique, material, and color study I started today with oil pastels and drawing paper. I will create 40 pieces a month. I did two today. Each month will be a single work. The month of August is “Confronting Rejection and Imperfection.” I plan to have 12 pieces of work consisting of 40 smaller works each, for a total of 480 works.
The main goal is to do something everyday. Let it be. And keep going the next day.
