Remove the Fear, then what?

Yesterday was an odd day. I enjoyed by morning walk with Jesus, two large servings of coffee, and emotionally prepared to go to an engagement party. I also washed, dried, and folded my clothes, wrote a blog, created two new works of art, cleaned the bathrooms, and took all the trash out of the house. 

Communed with Jesus? check

Created? check

Cleaned? check

Productive? check

I even found time to play Sim City 4 and joke around with my roommate. 

Another way of looking at it is, I busied myself. I was conflicted to go to the engagement party. There was a chance, however small, she would be there. Part of me wanted to see her, to move beyond the awkward public setting encounter, to enjoy being in the same space. And the other part of me just didn’t want to go to the party regardless of the guest list. 

None of it seemed to matter by 6pm. I was physically exhausted, like take a long solid nap, can barely keep my eyes open tired. WTF?! Where did this come from? (My honest thought is I drank double the coffee I normally do and then crashed. Not sure.) 

I began to argue with myself about the party. I need to go. I am working to help the guy launch his clothing company, and I like him and his fiance. I need to go because if she goes and I’m not there she might think I was trying to avoid her.

All of it was bullshit, of course, and fear based. I prayed for wisdom and received my favorite response “remove the fear, if you aren’t afraid of what anyone will think, what do you want to do?” Just like that I knew what to do. I texted my friend, gave him a brief explanation of my situation and gracefully bowed out of the festivities. 

As for her? A) I don’t even know if she made it to the party. That’s not my concern. And B) I know I’m not afraid of her. in fact I look forward to seeing her again, when ever it happens. I don’t owe her an explanation, or if she’d even want one. 

Onward.