Around the First Turn

I’m not sure what happened or how, but yesterday I turned a small but significant corner in my heart. And that corner is called “Sense of Purpose.” 

Last January, I thought I knew what the next 5-10 years of life would be, mostly cooking BBQ and hopefully her. In less than five months it was all gone, and necessarily gone. The Lord has something better for me, for my heart and mind.

Since May, I’ve wondered what direction my life is headed. The first week in June, I started to get anxious on the question of my career, whatever those are. Once I put it before the Lord, a path into digital marketing opened up, and I took it. It’s going well so far, but it is not my resting place.

Another question put to me by a few folks is “are you going to stay in Redding?” It’s a valid question, and the short answer is still yes. Why would I leave? Community is important to be, vital even. Big cities are unappealing, and every place has its flaws. I want to be around people I can love and be loved by on a daily basis. 

(The long answer to where I’ll settle has to do with a future wife. I want to make room for a life with someone, and for me it includes being open to living in another city. To be clear, I do not want to leave, but I may.)

Yesterday, while I worked on an oil pastel drawing, I felt nothing. The good nothing. The present nothing. The peaceful nothingness that comes from focus and enthusiasm. No feeling or thoughts, just doing. I loved it and crave more. 

In that wonderful moment, my creativity opened up, and I could see with more clarity the path my art creation is headed. My motivation shot way, way up. As proof, I haven’t done a thing today, and I don’t want to work on marketing projects. I want to create. It’s not about being famous or wealthy, it’s about letting out whatever is inside. Because whatever is inside me is good. 

A river is pouring out of my chest, a previously damned river. And I aim to let it run. 

Today, August 13th, I could care less about where I’ll live or how to make money. I give those to God the way Jesus said when I promised “seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.” 

I can’t wait to get home and create. 

My Tortured Relationship With Being a Creator

This is not the vision in my head. It is very imperfect. Looks like a high schooler did it. Just give up. You suck. 

I can barely type letters. Even the mental/emotional exploration of this topic is fraught with heart ache. I am, at the moment, sitting leg-crossed on my bed with tears rolling down my cheeks, snorting snot down the back of my throat. 

I envy…sit in awe of…and find inspiration in those who put their creative heart on display for the public to ridicule- even worse, to nothing it. No response, no emotion or consideration. Blank stares and the eventual movement onto their next moment in life. 

I don’t want to be a nobody, the kind of nobody most people quickly wonder over. Can’t help but know, deep down, this stems from my need to be validated- my self-destructive desire to have others recognize my (in this case) artistic greatness. 

My thoughts are drifting to two separate but valid points: 

1) A new friend started painting ten months ago. I believe he dabbled a bit in various arts before settling on painting. In all honesty, his work was childish eight months ago, six months ago, five months ago, but now he’s evolving. His colors and techniques are better. His style is similar to Jackson Pollack, quick and chaotic. He churns out five to six paintings a session, every week.  

And he’s getting better. I’m excited to see where he’ll be next year, in three years, in ten years. 

My point, and why I mention him, is he proves the theory of determination. Hudson is the type of guy who does shit regardless of what other people think. And he does care about the criticism of his work, but he doesn’t let it stop him. 

2) My approach to painting or sculpture is often experimental and in a series. I don’t think of a single work or concept, I think of series of works to demonstrate an intricate and usually very nuanced idea. One piece isn’t designed to stand alone, but be part of a larger community of pieces- my eternal belief we are all connected. Nothing is alone: actions, thoughts, feelings, and consequences. 

So…

What stopped me from pursuing creative endeavors is not the fear of failure, but the fear of being overlooked and passed over. I don’t know how Van Gogh did it. He barely sold any of his work in his lifetime. 

Given my current position in life- attacking all the fears- I do declare now is a a great moment to go after a very deep longing to create. I acknowledge my deficient skills and talents. I also recognize the rule of determination and self-love. I need to do this. 

My commitment is to continue the technique, material, and color study I started today with oil pastels and drawing paper. I will create 40 pieces a month. I did two today. Each month will be a single work. The month of August is “Confronting Rejection and Imperfection.” I plan to have 12 pieces of work consisting of 40 smaller works each, for a total of 480 works. 

The main goal is to do something everyday. Let it be. And keep going the next day.