Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/3/23 Nik Curfman 2/3/23

Abstract: Psalm 32

My interpretation of Psalm 32.

Psalm 32

Confession is the key to a clean soul,

and leads to life.

And really, who can hide from the Lord?

We act like stupid cats, our heads hidden under the couch,

our body exposed to the world,

the effects of our sin visible to anyone with working eyes.

And make no mistake, sin weighs heavy our souls, plagues our minds,

and takes root in our physical bodies.

But then, when we face the Lord,

and admit our wrongs…as often as needed…

He is faithful to wipe away all that plagues our souls.

For the worldly man, proud of hurt he inflicts on others and himself,

he is blind to this truth.

But for those of us who love Jesus, this is more true. (For the enemy wants to make you blind to your sin, or he wants you to be convinced you can’t change.)

Better out than in an old man told me,

and this is never more true than with sin.

Nik Curfman 2/3/23 Nik Curfman 2/3/23

Vol III: #59 Matthew 633 Is Real

I’ve posted blogs to Fearless Grit for two and half years, and this post is the one I’ve longed to write. And today’s post is the product of a good God and my commitment to being whole, holding nothing against anyone and believing the best is yet to come. What I will confess in the following paragraphs isn’t profound or original. I’m not trying to be. Today is about the joy of feeling whole and unbound by failure.

Certain dates stick in our minds like a grease stain on our favorite sweatshirt. For me, January 13th, March 8th, and May 31st were embedded in my conscious. And no amount of forgiveness, anger, or intoxication erased them. Each day was tied to a particular lady and what I thought would be between us, but then those dates became sour and annoying. And I can’t count how many times I prayed, “Lord, just take this from me. I don’t even want her, or anything from her, I just want to move on. No apologies or explanations needed.” Then today happened. I sensed the shift when I woke up: it is finished.

I stated aboveI have nothing profound to offer. But today, and without reason, my heart and mind finally moved on. I can’t explain the relief, contentment, and joy I feel. No more anger. No more bitterness. No more fear of dating. This is a work only the Holy Spirit can do, and I praise God for answering my prayers.

Everything that follows is what I’ve heard from friends and family, and what I told myself. To explain it as best I can, and in the simplest terms, my soul latched onto the truth. I am a man of destiny because I walk with Jesus. Whatever I lose has a purpose. He has saved from sins, the wrong people, and death. (And by wrong people I don’t mean murders and crackheads. Well, yes murders and crackheads, but also the wrong friends, a less than best wife, and poor career choices.) And this guidance is a far greater gift than amount of money, success, or honor. I am living proof of the Matthew 6:33 promise. I’ve seek the Lord with intention, every day, and He cares for my needs.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. Whatever is lost will be redeemed, and you will know the Lord is good.

Nik Curfman 2/2/23 Nik Curfman 2/2/23

Abstract: Psalm 31

My interpretation of Psalm 31.

Psalm 31

Yep, I ran to you,

crying and snotting and shivering like lost dog.

But, I am not ashamed.

You are my home,

my peace and my guiding star.

This I learned after years of failure and self-pity.

Took me long enough,

To learn how magnificent You are.

You have my grateful heart forever.

And now, I have a spine in my back and vision in my heart,

And this will not due, not for the those who loved me weak and afraid,

and use my gifts to prop themselves up like kings.

Regardless, You shine and me,

and I will not waste time or words on people bound to slave ways.

I’m no slave.

I’m a son of the King and will conduct myself as such.

Like those before me and the ones to come,

I will put my trust in the hands of the Lord.

He is our hope forever.

Nik Curfman 2/2/23 Nik Curfman 2/2/23

Vol III: #58 Gotta Forgive, It’s Magic

And make no mistake, forgiveness is like magic, a true power. Show me the man or woman leading a movement, building a business, or creating big things, and I’ll show you someone unburdened by their wounds or enemies. The most modern example we have was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He lead a movement based on Jesus’ commands to love and forgive.

I’m not going to wax poetic or take write more than paragraph to drive home my point today. Forgiveness is vital to walking with the Lord and learning to love. And unfortunately, forgiveness often feels like a weakness or a requirement. We hear it mockingly thrown at us by our opponents, and the enemy will remind us of forgiveness to shame us when we hold onto pain and grief.

Forgiveness is a choice, it’s love, and it is a sign of strength. For starters, the Lord is always forgiving us, each of us, all the time. And He would not command us to do something we cannot do. Secondly, ask Jesus said, the more we forgive, the more we increase our capacity to love. Show me a bitter and vengeful person, I’ll should you someone who can’t forgive or actively chooses not to forgive. Lastly, true forgiveness requires a strong heart. We don’t forgive as a means to control or manipulate the other person. We forgive to release ourselves of a burden. And in doing so, we find the power to move on, toward our destiny. I find it useful to add “and I release them from any debt owed to me” when I engage my super power.

And now a few more tidbits:

1) Forgiveness is not a technique or method to control others. Don ‘t expect them to change because you cancelled their debts.

2) Forgive as often as necessary. Once the enemy knows someone hurt or offended you, he’s going to use your pain to hold you back. Practice rebuking that asshole and forgiving the people whenever you’ve allowed the offense to take root.

3) Forgive everyone, including yourself and the Lord. Yep. I just wrote that. Forgive the Lord. This might seem prideful but answer this: have you ever been anger at the Lord? Wondered why someone died or suffered abused? Ever shook your first at the sky and screamed “WTF GOD?!” If yes, then I advise you to let go of what you thing the Lord owes you.

4) Boundaries are still a thing if when we forgive. Again, forgiveness is not about the other person or side. If someone is abusive, gossipy, or complains non-stop, you don’t have to suffer their sin. Love is patient doesn’t mean we’ve have to sit and listen to an endless stream of bullshit or standby while someone abuses others.

That’s all y’all. Enjoy your Thursday.

Nik Curfman 2/1/23 Nik Curfman 2/1/23

Abstract: What If, River

A poem, about trust and faith.

There’s a River slashing through the middle of life,

It’s strong yet quiet and easy to ignore.

On a good sunny afternoon you might dangle your feet in the current,

And feel the chill rush from your feet to your head,

And the sensation makes your wonder.

What if I jump in?

What if I leave everything this shore had to offer,

And give my all to the River?

You roll your pants up and slosh from the soggy grass a few feet into the flow,

but just then you remember something back home in the warm house,

where life is safe if not boring, predictable and under control.

And then you’re content to sit by the River ignoring its call,

and you wave and smile at those brave enough to take the plunge,

but all the while you wonder,

what if?

And your mind goes on wondering about the what, how, and to where,

You don’t understand the River is your friend and guide,

And He will never let you down.

Nik Curfman 2/1/23 Nik Curfman 2/1/23

Vol III: #57 Walk On

Last week, I realized once again, life is moving forward. And, I must leave some people behind. Where I’m going they ain’t coming with. They are more of the 9-5, four weeks of paid vacation, want to retire and die in Arizona type of people. While I find no fault in that type of vision, it ain’t me. I’ve got a lot of creating to do, maybe some more ministry school, and another big move. I suppose it’s best to let go now and focus on what I need to do.

When I arrived in Redding almost nine years ago (it’ll be nine years in 28 days), I was absorbed into a loving and generous community. My new friends were confident and attentive and let me be me. We ate delicious food, drank our share of whiskey, and smoked cigarettes late into many spring nights. And then life lurched on, each person moving on in their own way. Some went to college in Chico, one couple decided to move to the east coast, two more got married- though not to each other- and I began to spend more time with friends from work. I manage to stay in touch with most of that community but it is sparse, in what a mounts to a few texts a year and the one off phone call.

I’ll always be grateful for Ryan and Maggie (who lent me her car when I didn’t have one), Daniel, Israel and Ang, Nic and Suzy. They welcomed me and endured my broke state like I was travel weary immigrant in need of warm and safety. They showed me how beat down I’d become but also how life can be joyful. They did all this without heavy words or manipulation. It was the Lord rewarding me and He knew I needed them.

This is how life is when you’re single and part of a community of people coming and going. Change is the only constant and it’s better to enjoy what comes rather than bemoan what is lost. I’ve learned to love and release like fly-fisher in the Sacramento, and now I have friends all over the world. Still, a receding friendship can sting even when I know it’s for the best. Like the community I met my first night in Redding, I’m thankful for Nathan and Kaiten, Alex and Hudson. They blessed my life and I hope I blessed them, and now, it’s time to walk on.

Nik Curfman 2/1/23 Nik Curfman 2/1/23

Abstract: Psalm 30

My interpretation of Psalm 30.

Psalm 30

You my Dude and always will be.

Each and every moment when my head was low,

and my heart was buried under self-pity,

You were there.

And more than that,

You didn’t let me fail.

You are my compulsion, my reason for living,

And I will whistle my tune for You.

Your correction is swift but sweet,

And all my tears are dried when the morning comes.

Yes, even in the nights when I felt alone,

and stretched my ear to hear your voice and heard nothing but silence,

I knew you were there, that my feelings were wrong,

as wrong as a feeling can be.

You are Emmanuel, God with me.

Forever ever.

Nik Curfman 1/31/23 Nik Curfman 1/31/23

Abstract: Psalm 29

My interpretation of Psalm 29.

Psalm 29

Give the Lord his due,

Recognize Him for who He is, powerful and eternal.

Bow your knee and move your mouth,

You’ll praise Him willingly or unwillingly,

But You will praise Him.

The Presence of God is everywhere I look,

In the Redwoods, the thunder of tide upon the rocks,

and shrouded in the mystery of the fog rolling in off the sea.

He carved the Grand Canyon with His breath,

pulled the Rockies from the Plains,

And hid His glory in the Appalachians.

He sends the rain in the drought and cool wind after a hot summer,

And He calls the blooms forth, so the orange groves give us their fruit.

He is the One who said “Let their be light,”

Creating time and matter, sending them barreling across a new reality.

He is, was, and will be.

Always Good, always Present,

Always God.

Nik Curfman 1/30/23 Nik Curfman 1/30/23

Abstract: Psalm 28

My interpretation of Psalm 28.

Psalm 28

I’m ashamed I’m here in this place,

where I am desperate and sullen and afraid.

How long is this cycle going to repeat itself?

Will I ever learn?

Are You, Lord…are you even listening?

Don’t treat me like an enemy or a fraud.

I do dumb stuff, but my heart is with you,

now and always.

I have only ever desired to walk closer to you and see your face,

please don’t let me fall like a hater or those who mock you with human wisdom.

I am not those men.

You know I need your kindness and a miracle.

You know exactly where my stress comes from.

So, I thank you for what your are about to do,

And will do, because I know you.

I’ve experienced your long and generosity all the my life.

Nik Curfman 1/30/23 Nik Curfman 1/30/23

Vol III: #56 Luke 2, Part II

To know Jesus read the same scripture I do and was empowered to love the way He did, it’s an encouragement to me. And at the same time, breaks my heart when I see Christians referring to Old Testament scriptures on how to respond to attacks. Without Love, we are no greater than those trying to destroy us. Without a sense of who our Father is and how present He is, we are anxious orphans fumbling through life. Thankfully, we have more than a set of duties and sacrifices. And I’m grateful Jesus set the record straight regarding our Father and the importance of Love.

I am grateful to have the Bible, both the Old and New Testaments. And when I read Luke 2, I was reminded that Jesus, all the priests, and scribes only read the Old Testaments. So it astounds me to know Jesus read the Psalms written by David and told us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This commandment is not a prominent part of the Old Testament. A handful of verses in the Torah and Proverbs speak to specific acts of kindness toward an enemy, but stacked against the endless Psalms calling for violent justice, those versus are few and spread thin. Overall, the Old Testament is focused on one tribe’s relationship with God, and outsiders are generally belittled.

In a similar way, Jesus referred to God as Father. Here again, several OT scriptures refer to Yaweh as a Father, but it’s impersonal and distant. These verses see God as Father of the Law who performed acts of fatherhood and nothing more. Jesus experienced the Lord as a true Father, present and active and relational. He set the tone for what is possible for us.

Nik Curfman 1/25/23 Nik Curfman 1/25/23

Vol III: #56 Luke 2, Part I

Sometimes I stumble into a dangerous line of thinking when I read stories like that of Mary and Joseph and the shepherds. It goes like this: Of course Mary and Joseph obeyed the Lord. They saw angels, saw miracles (in the form of Elizabeth’s pregnancy), and were visited by the mostly lowly of men (the shepherds) and the upper crust (the Magi.) The first Christian power couple didn’t have a choice given all the supernatural events happened in their lives. It’s harder for me. I haven’t seen an angel or had random stranger turn up to confirm my calling.

I began reading Luke this week. It’s my favorite Gospel because it the most complete Gospel. Most historians believe it to be the latest arrival of the so-called synoptic Gospels, which is why is seems to be more full of descriptions and explanations than Mark or Matthew. (Luke is also the longest book in the new testament by number of verses and words.)

Today I read Luke 2, the story of Jesus’ birth, the shepherd visit, and his 12 year-old visit to Jerusalem for Passover. I paused over the sections of the shepherds’ encounter with an angel. With my eyes closed I pictured a cool night on a hillside and then a burst of light, an angel, then many angels, and instruction on where to find “a Savior.” And then, the angels leave and the shepherds are left to act or stay with their flock, the night sky hung back in the same place it always was. Of course, we know they chose to leave their sheep- presumably in the care of a trusted friend or two- in search of the newborn. They found Mary and Joseph, postpartum in a barn, their son wrapped in rags and laying a trough. I wondered if Joseph and Mary thought of leaving Jesus in that barn. Who would know? It wasn’t Joseph’s son after all. All the world probably weighed on them, to question their dreams and visitations, everything they’d been told and believed. And then, as if the Lord where saying to Mary and Joseph “you aren’t crazy or foolish” a gang of smelly shepherds appeared outside the door. And they confirmed every damn thing Mary was told and knew to be true.

Sometimes I stumble into a dangerous line of thinking when I read stories like that of Mary and Joseph and the shepherds. It goes like this: Of course Mary and Joseph obeyed the Lord. They saw angels, saw miracles (in the form of Elizabeth’s pregnancy), and were visited by the mostly lowly of men (the shepherds) and the upper crust (the Magi.) The first Christian power couple didn’t have a choice given all the supernatural events that happened in their lives. It’s harder for me. I haven’t seen an angel or had random stranger turn up to confirm my calling.

These thoughts are, of course, a shitty load of hot garbage. I have seen and experienced miracles, had multiple supernatural dreams, had way more than a few. strangers confirm my identity and calling of my life. It’s bullshit to believe otherwise, regardless of what the world says. What I want to expose is the enemy and how he works. That asshole figured out how to lie so effectively, he’s able to get us to deny God supernatural hand in our lives. Which is why the power of our testimony is powerful beyond words. The more we repeat what we’ve seen and know, the more faith grows in us.

I will never be step-dad to the Messiah, but I am a son of the King. And He’s blessed my life through redemption and grace, miracles and signs, love and kindness. And I will never let go of these Truths.

Part 2 tomorrow.

Nik Curfman 1/25/23 Nik Curfman 1/25/23

Abstract: Psalm 27

My interpretation of Psalm 27.

Psalm 27

He is my fire and my blanket,

what can anyone do to me?

He is my guard and my protector,

who will step to me?

I’ve got receipts.

The one thing I ask for and long to see,

is the shining face of God.

He is all I need to survive the attacks and storms to come.

Lord, don’t hide from me.

Show me your Holiness,

I’m ready for you to blow my mind and unleash the power of my heart,

as only you can.

So that my friends and enemies know,

You alone are God.

In the mean time, while I wait,

I will strengthen my heart with Your words,

and remember the gifts and blessings already given to me.