Unexpected Delight, and Fight
Last night I attended a birthday part for a new friend. As I wrote yesterday, she was there too. In all honesty, the whole event went about as well as I could’ve hoped, limit awkwardness and sense of forward movement- for me.
I allowed myself to sit and be present. Usually in social situations I’ve tried to prove myself by showcasing my intelligence or wisdom or ‘manliness’. But last night I was content to be one of the group. I have nothing to prove.
Several moments delighted me last night, but what blew me down was her. She actually joined the group conversation, spoke openly, and expressed her views. It was awesome, and of course made her more attractive than ever. This is the person I knew she is!
It’s a bit of a funny reversal. My previous experience with her is watching her slink into a shell, afraid to say anything or be known. And I, as mentioned above, was usually a significant part of the conversation. But last night…I was content to be mostly silent and enjoy the moment, while she easy joined the chat and brought something good to it. Amazing. I didn’t expect it.
As I drifted off to sleep I felt an overwhelming peace at this thought: if she and I ever date again, it will be truly awesome and good. We’ve both moved toward the best version of ourselves.
This morning I went for my usual stroll with Jesus in the park, and gone was the peace from the night before. It was replaced by insecurity and doubt. After a bit of wallowing in my despair I decided to fight the fears.
The first fear stems from my heart’s desire to love people and pastor them (kinda hate to use the word pastor, but there it is) through the low moments of their walk with Jesus. I love to encourage others, but there’s a built-in trap. The trap is taking my self worth and value from how people receive what I say. As I prayed about this the Lord asked,”do you have truth?” Of course, I do. “And is it life giving?” Yes, it is. “Then your task is to put it out there, don’t judge the results. That’s on me.”
It was as simple reminder. I’ve got gold. It will be good for other people to have some. That’s it.
The second fear is similar to the first. If I continue to hangout with her, I assume at some point I’ll pony up the courage to ask her out again- if she doesn’t first. The thought inspires feelings of inadequacy. Am I good enough for her? Fuck yes, I am. I’m amazing….even if I’m not good enough for her. Again, my self worth is not tied to the approval of others or one particular woman.
I am amazing because I exist. I am loved because I exist. And soon, I will fully function from a place of continual self confidence. Until that day, I will fight the fears and be thankful for the delights. No going back.
