Walk in the Woods
Journal: #248 A Promise From God
In typical Jesus, He cut through the fear so effortlessly it jarred me out of my self-pity. He gave me a promise. Deep in my soul, I know it will be fulfilled. I will find a great woman, and we will love each other till death.
I’m out at the coast to begin my week. I scheduled this trip weeks ago not knowing just how timely it would be. Most of the drive out here (Blue Lake, CA) I prayed, and at times I cried. My goal was to enjoy the drive through the Trinity mountains along various rivers and creeks, which is quite beautiful.
After I settled into my AirBNB, I went for a drive north up the 101 toward Oregon. There’s an amazing lookout just off the road north of Klamath. It’s a bit of a drive, but every view and turn make the trek worth more than the time and energy given to complete it. No regrets.
The last stop I made was at a beach with black sand and powerful green waves. I walked to edge of the surf and breathed in the salt and the sea. Then I broke.
Five years ago I stood in these same beautiful forests. It was the first time I let myself feel a need for woman- a partner, a best friend, and a companion. Since then, that seed has grown to become a thriving desire I cannot ignore.
I thought she was it, but she wasn’t. (Oh God did I want her. Finally, someone I could love forever.) For all her faults and flaws and immaturity, she was the one. At this point I’m not sure what I was to her. I don’t know what stories she tells herself about me.
The devastating aspect to this whole thing is I almost had what I wanted. I want someone to love, who will let me love them, and receive it. I want to support her dreams, cook dinner, hold her hand at family events, and walk with her when she sinks into Valleys of Death. I want to love and raise our children to be strong and compassionate Jesus-loving people.
As I left the beach yesterday, I began to sob about my empty heart to the Lord. Lord, I’m not a whole person. I just want to love someone for the rest of my life. I feel like a loser. This isn’t writing or drawing. I’m only half of the equation. And the Lord did answer: “Your heart will be more full than you can comprehend or expect.”
Typical Jesus, He cut through the fear so effortlessly it jarred me out of my self-pity. He gave me a promise. Deep in my soul, I know it will be fulfilled. I will find a great woman, and we will love each other till death. In between, we will walk together through every pile of shit, though every desert valley, and over every mountain. We will stop to delight in the blooms of spring, find cool water during the summers, and marvel at the autumn colors. We will travel places and meet people. We will love each other and others fiercely. And we will lavish Grace and favor on our community.
That’s my future. My ask is the Lord prepare me for her. (And, her for me.)
I trust you Lord. Thank you for your promise in the midst of my trial. Thank you for doing everything you said you would in Matthew 5- to those of us who are poor in spirit, crying out for righteousness. You answer with hope and love. I love you Father. Thanks for walking through this with me.
Amen.
DJ: #49 Moving On, In Hope
I feel a bit like Abraham, laying my promise on the altar to be sacrificed. Thankfully, I know about Abraham, and Esther, and Job, and Jesus, and Paul. The promises of God are better than what we can imagine. He provides a way when we let Him work.
It was the disconnect I wanted and needed ever since May 31st. Last night, I finally let her go. I finally released what was, and settled into the truth of my existence. I trust Jesus. This trust, a hope, empowers me to believe the best is ahead, not behind.
I feel a bit like Abraham, laying my promise on the altar to be sacrificed. Thankfully, I know about Abraham, and Esther, and Job, and Jesus, and Paul. The promises of God are better than what we can imagine. He provides a way when we let Him work.
Overall, I’m relieved to create a space for pure friendship with her. No expectations. No personal hopes. Something new for both of us. And if something were to develop, I wouldn’t shoot it down. But I am not going back to what we had. It was special and sweet, and incredibly flawed. Neither of us lived from our hearts. I ignored myself and got sick. But…also, some really powerful seeds sprouted too. So who knows what could happen?
She remains, and probably will always be, one of the best people I’ll ever know. I have nothing but gratitude for her. Even now. She carries the room to a higher place, has little tolerance for cynicism, and desperately longs to walk in the love and grace of the Holy Spirit. She does all that without being condescending or weird. (And yes, she is flawed. A gift I gave myself when I first met her was I never idealized her. But her greatness will always outweigh her weaknesses.) I could go on and on about what I like about this woman, obviously. Her awesomeness was not dependent on my opinion(or anyone’s opinion, or her opinion), it’s inherent in who she is.
As of today and onward, my faith roots are growing deeper in the Lord. She set a new standard for what I expect from a girlfriend in my life, and my expectations are higher for the future, from who ever I date and from myself. It feels good to know I’m not going backwards. I’m not laying something down to settle for less. God is so good.