Hi, My Name is Complexity

I assume other people can feel conflicting complex emotions in a single moment. (Scientifically it’s called ambivalence, or what we know as “mixed feelings.”) 

I have always been this way, and in younger days I would sit in indecision or self-pity. I’d ask the same questions a million times. I’d interpret the complexity and conflict as I sign I lacked competence or stability. But it’s not true.

My best friend Blake paid me one of the highest compliments of my life yesterday, and it has everything to do with complex emotions, trusting Jesus, and my recent path to His glory. I was in the middle of catching him up on my life, and how I handle destructive thoughts and feelings. I then told him how can recognize certain desires but don’t judgment myself for having them. Blake immediately quipped,”that’s the definition of ‘taking every thought captive.’ You’ve figured out what is good and what is not, but also some things just are. And that’s ok.”

Don’t you just love friends who can restate something in a useful/clarifying manner?

After we said our goodbyes, I sat down and thanked God for this moment. I have time and space to practice living my best life. I have time to stop my day, go into a private space, and cry my sad heart out if I need it. Or let loose my frustration. Or address my self-pity and insecurity. Thank you Jesus. 

I’m worth it. I’m worth battling every bullshit thought or feeling. I’m worth loving myself, respecting myself, and fighting for my heart. 

This morning a thought shot through my brain and caused me to giggle with relief. I’m a good friend. I was good boyfriend. I was not good to me. Not no more yo. LOLOLOLOLOL. The last major piece of my love puzzle to lay in place is this: Love thy self. 

And now I know I can love others, radically so. I have the deepest well to draw from, and it is the Lord who supplies it- with joy and grace for a million days and beyond. 

Amen. 

PS- Thank you Jesus, my cool drink and my refreshing breeze.