Twenty Years Later, Same Desires
Neglected underneath anxiety, experience, and shadow, an old longing surfaced as I walked to my car last Thursday evening. I asked smaller related questions for three weeks, spurred on by my nightly journey into the Gospels. I want to see more miracles in my life. I believe in them, so why shouldn’t I expect them? What will become of me the further I dive into Jesus? What is possible in my life?
Thursday night my heart gathered all these splintered questions to itself and finally confessed to the grand singular desire: I want more Jesus. Like all of it. Sold out like I’ve only ever dared to dream, this is who I am now and forever. Once again, tears fell down my cheeks as I sat in my idle car. Lord, I want more, I want it all. And I don’t care what I my life looks like to anyone else. And…I’m afraid.
The sum truth is, I am afraid of living that life- of being that guy. But what else is there? To live in the in-between? One foot on God’s heart and promises for my life, and one foot on my island of control? With a few exceptions, I’ve lived that life for the last 20 years. The data is solid. All my attempts to control my life failed. So, it’s time. Time to let go and ride into a future I did not design or foresee. He is the author and finisher, not me.
And what am I afraid of? Being weird? Being outcast? No. I’m not. But it takes some strength to be that guy, to love Jesus radically and let Him lead. It’s plain to see now, my life is going to be very different than what I’ve imagined. So be it. Most of my dreams were built on sand, built on a need for validation and recognition. (I still hold a few dreams close, the pure dreams I know are in league with Him.)
What will my friends think?
The real irony of the question above is most of my friends are Christians. Wouldn’t they support me? In theory….yes. And I don’t intend to be an evangelical extremist. I don’t think that’s my path.
Many of my friends have, like me, settled into a compromised faith. Time with Jesus is carved out between careers and family obligations and paying taxes. We believe in the Lord, and on occasion connect to His love and peace. But, Monday arrives and we leave His embrace to get on “real life,” as though our walk is a privilege and not a glorious life sustaining eternal reality.
…The sheer irony of how we spend time in His presence, to be transformed and lifted from our mire, only to run back to the muck out of obligation. Then I must ask: why do we set up our lives to be obligated to that which kills us and not to what makes us stronger? Happier? More peaceful and kind?
Those questions will hardly be answered today. What I will proudly admit is my best life is lived in the presence of Jesus. His love and endurance has transformed me, and I don’t want to live a life of endless- death supplying- obligation. I will choose our Creator, my sustainer, my hope and my steady rock.
More Lord.
