Vol III: #50 Back At It, in 2023

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I’m amazed by this blog, not because it’s a bastion of poetic words or interesting subjects. Rather, I’m impressed it still exists. Of all the projects and endeavors in my life(aside from relationships) this blog is the longest running venture in my life. I should add this blog is the longest running voluntary venture, in my life. I once worked for a pizza shop called Wolfman Pizza for roughly three years, and I finished my bachelor’s degree in three and half years. One could argue those were voluntary too, but I won’t. My point remains, Fearless Grit is a joy to maintain and I’ll keep entries until I’m dead.

In related news, I spent the last two weeks away from blogs and novels and sculptures. And, I hated it. For once in my life, I missed my life.

The break gave me a chance to look head to 2023 and ask “what do I want for this year? what do I want to get done?” And for once, I don’t have any fantasies about the coming year. I see work and more work. What I really want to finish my novel, sculpture, and lose weight. The thing is, I don’t know what disappointments 2023 holds and I don’t care. Some day soon, when it’s inconvenient and unwelcome, something will go wrong. It’ll be an unforeseen car repair, a tragic text, and loads of hurt feelings and invisible offenses. The reasons to quit or stop will mount. But, I won’t quit.

Back at it, till the end.

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Vol III: #49 Working For Walmart

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I finally found dependable employment, at Walmart of all places. Last week, I started as an independent delivery driver and I couldn’t be happier to do so. It’s a job that pays well enough while offering the freedom I need. And, should a sweet marketing gig come along, I can work that too. Life is good. I mean that. Yes, like most people, I’d like to possess more money. But, so what? I’d rather have extra time and freedom.

As for the job, the requirements couldn’t be easier. I’m paid to shop for a customer and deliver the order to their home or office. Or, I’m paid to deliver a pre-sorted order. The biggest hassle is Walmart itself. Items are often missing or on the wrong isle or bin, and the pre-sorted orders take too long to fill. I try to select only shop and deliver orders because I can complete two trips in the time it takes a Walmart employee to fill one order. (Talk about a case study of employee behavior i.e. paid by the hour vs. paid by the job. The hourly employees are slow and dull.) All things considered, it’s a good gig and I hope I can keep going as long I need it.

Aside from the work, I’ve enjoyed observing the buzz and culture around a Walmart. Most employees and customers tend have a shameful way about them, shoulders slumped and eyes down. Few move with purpose or sense of urgency. The employees are hard-working people and there’s no shame in putting in a day’s work. It’s unfortunate we see minimum wage work as shameful or low-class. For my part, I try to smile and say thank you whenever interacting with an employee. A few responded well and I look forward to being a light where I am planted.

The other interesting aspect is the independent driver culture. I’ve yet to have a meaningful interaction with a fellow driver, but I watch them talk in the parking lot between deliveries. Mostly, they seem to complain about Walmart or the app we use to complete orders. Neither conversation interests me, so I spend my down time making sketches, reading, or journaling. (I do not expect Walmart to be a well run machine. It never is. My goal is to game the system. I have my job and it’s up to me to maximize my earnings.) One fun aspect of the culture is how driver navigate the lack of regulations on how a delivery is made or completed. What I mean by this is some drivers have a partner or spouse with them and they work as a team. One lady totes her baby through the store as she looks for items on her list. And, a few drivers have dogs with them. What a time to be a live.

And there we all are, living our lives, brought together by the cheapest retailer in the world. I’m genuinely stoked to be a part of it.

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Abstract: Psalm 19

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Psalm 19

God Almighty doesn’t need science, philosophy, or explanation.

If you need it, just put down your phone and walk outside.

Go stare are the beautiful trees and the glorious sky,

try to count the flickering stars or paint a picture better than a field full of wildflowers.

You can’t.

But if you need more,

Watch the sun race across the sky and then Her brother the moon by night,

They preach a Gospel better than any sermon we’ve heard.

Whatever the Father does He does with flair and wonder.

It’s good and it’s perfect in every detail,

And His hands are a blessing to those with eyes to see it.

Walking with the Lord can be difficult but it is worth it.

No other life will lead to life and love,

Especially to the generations after you.

Lord, let me, my thoughts, and my action be good in Your judgment.

I want to be an extension of you.

So, correct me when I’m wrong.

You know what’s best, my Rock and my Creator.

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Abstract: Psalm 18

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Psalm 18

Whatever strength still lingers in my soul,

it is because of the Lord.

He is my teacher and oasis.

He lifted me from dark alleys and shitty decisions,

from abuse and shame,

And from men and women who only wanted to maim me.

More than that, He stepped out from the shadow when I cried out,

from self-made hells of self-pity and pride.

He hugged me, loved me, and did not add to my shame.

The Lord is love and anger and belly laughs and kisses.

He hates sin and what sin creates and destroys,

because He sees the start from the end.

But, the Lord always rewards the Saints,

the men and women who drive their stake in the ground,

and say “thus and no more.”

It’s what Jesus promised,

that His Father would not forget us or our need.

He is not a petty god or myth.

My life is a witness of grace and mercy,

for I have defeated all my flaws and attacks.

I’ve awaken to a new life, like I’m a new man.

And I’ve seen His glory coming over the mountain ridge.

The Way of Life is simple: Love the Lord and follow Him,

And He will take care of you.

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Abstract: Psalm 17

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Psalm 17

Lord, listen to me,

and please hear this prayer I pray:

I have walked with you and obeyed your voice.

I abhor violence and greed,

And choose to love, even when it hurts.

Please, shelter me now,

from my enemies and poor choices,

and from those who are jealous and judgmental.

I’ve lived under your blessing,

so don’t hold back now.

I am not one to fight or slander,

so fight for me, that your kindness will receive all the glory.

As for me, I’ll stick to the trail,

And keep climbing with you.

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Abstract: Psalm 16

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Psalm 16

Lord, I need you to rescue me,

because I am drowning without you.

I set myself to follow you,

and whatever I am will be because of you.

But right now, I need you.

I’m not giving up, no never.

For I set my eyes on you and I’ve watched the saints before me,

How they live in peace and joy,

And those apart from you are miserable and ashamed.

So, I want you,

And I will not surrender to despair.

Our life together is worth every hurdle and grief,

regardless of what comes next.

You are always worthy of my commitment and affection.

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Abstract: Psalm 15

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Psalm 15

Father God, how do I remain in your presence?

And live in your grace?

I see many formulas, but the truth is more simple:

Live with integrity,

Believe and follow Your Word,

Speak the truth even when it hurts,

Help others without extracting a wage,

Refuse corruption,

And when in doubt, Love.

Love the oppressed and broken,

Our neighbors, family, and friends,

and especially our enemies.

This is what you desire,

To love as you love.

Like I said, its not difficult to understand or do.

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Abstract: Psalm 14

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Psalm 14

The sudoo-wise proclaim “God is dead,”

then use science to justify all manner of violence and destruction.

But the Father see them, full of compassion for these prodigals.

Without Him, they will wither and die,

And all they’ve lived and fought for will wither and die too.

It is our good destiny to be His hand and feet,

To love the rebellious and show them the Way.

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Vol III: #48 Greatest Hopes

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It’s just easier to hold onto grief and offenses, isn’t it? The pain enables a twisted sense of power or entitlement. And, our pride makes excuses for a lesser version of ourselves. My pain is their fault. They owe me. I’ve had a bad day so I can’t be a dick to everyone. Yes, I’d say it is easier to be hurt and scared and to act hurt and scared. But, I also believe offense and pride are habits as breakable as any habit is. Redemption and love are real. Patience and restoration is real, for those who choose to walk it out. And, hope is eternal.

The most salient example in my life is a last lingering question I have for my ex-girlfriend. It’s a question I never asked, and I know the answer will provide no relief. I’m literally holding onto a fear by keeping the question locked in my heart. How? Or why, you might ask? Simply, I’m holding onto that failure/disappointment as a reason to keep from dating anyone new. The thought of dating a new woman triggers my gage reflex, and my mind runs to one horrid outcome, “when will she decide I’m not the guy.” And make no mistake, I feel extremely justified in my fears. Stupid bitches.

What is really happening is my fear is winning, a move to protect my soul. Self-protection is noble in the eyes of the fallen, but it’s not how the Kingdom works. I know I’ve got let my question go and choose hope. I owe myself and any date as much. But, the fear keeps whispering you’ll get hurt. And I must confess, it’s a powerful argument. My worst fears come from my greatest disappointments. But, my greatest disappointments reveal my greatest hopes and desires.

Here’s to letting go of the pain and learning to stand in hope in 2023.

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Abstract: Psalm 13

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Psalm 13

Hey Jesus, how long will I endure this crap?

This life is so full of slander and shame, abuse and grief.

And my enemies mock You and Your commands.

They say your a joke.

But, I will remain patient.

Your word is life.

So…when are You coming?

Don’t let them laugh and belittle us.

More than that,

I pray for their souls,

that they will know your love and affection as I do.

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Abstract: Psalm 12

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Psalm 12

What’s happening Lord?

Why are leaders talking shit, and supporting evil men?

Are they so willing to sell Your kingdom for a favor?

For a seat at their table?

Is flattery part of your Kingdom?

You champion the poor and the disheartened,

And you are always our defense.

The words of Your mouth are the most true of any every spoken,

And you fight for us, and do not use evil men.

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Abstract: Psalm 11

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Psalm 11

My hope is in the Lord, and my faith is in Him.

And, I decided I will run to Him whenever I am stressed or anxious,

instead of my addictions or self-punishments.

My heart is with Him forever.

Our God hate violence and will judge those who condemn His people.

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