Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 9/29/21 Nik Curfman 9/29/21

Vol II: #34 Time to Relax

(When the Lord wants us to see something, He repeats Himself. He’s not a random voice in the wind, rather a constant song. And, the Father’s song over my life is “Nik, relax. I’ve got you.”Ok, Lord, I hear you. Teach me to relax in You. I’m ready for it.)

As is common at a school like BSSM, on Wednesday afternoon, we were told to pair up with a buddy for prophetic words. To my left was a lanky young man named Wesley. He’s got an innocent smile and tends to be a bit shy. Following our instructions, I encouraged him to be himself and resist comparison. After I finished, he said he saw me surrounded by “pictures of peace” and to “relax.” Midway through his encouragement he stopped to ask, “does this makes sense?” It’s a question insecure people ask when they wonder if the word the Lord gave them is real. Wesley, who often looks uncomfortable, was out on a limb. I told him to “keep going.”

When he finished, I gave him the affirmation he sought. Yes. His encouragement made sense to me. He was the fifth person in two weeks to tell me to “relax.” He looked surprised, which I understand. Most of my classmates are either quiet and reserved, or loud and shaky. I’m neither. From Wesley’s perspective, I look at ease in class. He doesn’t know how much anxiety I fight on daily basis- how I struggle with unwritten expectations and demands. I’ve got that “old man” confidence. Anxiety will not keep me from pushing forward from what the Lord has for my life. Regardless, I will relax and let go of the unholy demands on my heart and mind.

(When the Lord wants us to see something, He repeats Himself. He’s not a random voice in the wind, rather a constant song. And, the Father’s song over my life is “Nik, relax. I’ve got you.”Ok, Lord, I hear you. Teach me to relax in You. I’m ready for it.)

Nik Curfman 9/28/21 Nik Curfman 9/28/21

Abstract: Winning and Losing

A poem about the paradox of the Kingdom.

What if fighting leads to losing,

and the only goal to fail last?

And, what if letting go- of suffering, anger, and shame,

is the path to victory and peace?

I’m not sure, but I’m done being angry,

done losing,

done swinging at the darkness,

with no goal in mind.

Nik Curfman 9/27/21 Nik Curfman 9/27/21

Vol II: #33 Prayer Answered

Today, during an event I will not describe in more detail, I saw several Christian leaders apologize to weeping people around a larger meeting room. Even though they didn’t apologize to me personally, I felt something crack in my heart. The road ahead is still long, and I’ve got some work to do, but I’m on my way. One day at a time.

Today, I saw something I needed to see.

Monday morning, on my stroll through the wood, I cried and seethed to the Lord. I was angry. Again. For the millionth time, the topic of conversation turned to errors and suffering caused by poor Christian leadership. I told the Lord about how my heart hurt for not only my experience but that of my brother and my friends. At one point I whispered, ” I just need to hear someone say ‘we fucked up.’”

Today, during an event I will not describe in more detail, I saw several Christian leaders apologize to weeping people around a large meeting room. Even though they didn’t apologize to me personally, I felt something crack in my heart. The road ahead is still long, and I’ve got some work to do, but I’m on my way. One day at a time.

Nik Curfman 9/25/21 Nik Curfman 9/25/21

Vol II: #32 Baby Steps

Faith isn’t the ability to move mountains. That’s the work of the Lord. Faith is the act of saying, “Lord, I trust you,” then…whether trembling or excited, we take the next little step forward.

Faith is the thing that makes walking with God possible and foolish and challenging. It looks different from day-to-day and comes in multiple forms and sizes. It’s a mustard seed when all we have is “blind faith” to trudge onward. But, when our hope is high, faith looks like excitement and expectation. Regardless of appearance or emotion, faith is crucial to our walk with the Lord.

I truly believe most Christians are miserable because they stopped trusting the Lord to lead them. (Faith is trust in the Lord. Simple as that.) We have moments of glory, but when life becomes difficult, we turn away. We settle for protection and safety amid our suffering. Better said, we hide. We stop moving. We believe lies when we need faith.

There’s a reason the lies exist. It’s because evil is real…and NOT a human invention. The goal of all evil is to separate us from Him. And, the tactics may change, but the base remains the same. The enemy never stops preaching his oldest lie. Each time life turns sour- the bills pile up, our bodies decay, relationships spoil, cars break down- he whispers, “God isn’t who He says He is.” This lie has many variations: life sucks, the world sucks, you’re alone, no one loves you, no one cares, life is unfair, you’ll never learn, you’re stuck, this is hopeless, etc. Each of those lies is meant to keep us in bondage.

But, the Lord is good, and His mercy is endless. Nothing separates us from His presence. The life we live is one of faith and love, and eternal hope. How sad it is when we turned to Him but did not follow in His shadow. It is at these moments the misery enters. Most of us know how to grope for the Lord in dark moments, but we are weak when He asks us to follow Him.

This week I was confronted with several opportunities, and my initial reaction was, “hell no!” But then I remembered Corrie Ten Boom. I remembered her faith when confronted with her nazi prison guard in a church after the war. She didn’t have the faith to forgive him, so she asked for faith to shake his hand. That was her mustard seed moment. Of course, she did forgive him. I love that story because she knew where the Lord wanted to go, but she was too scared to go there. Instead of running from the moment, she asked for the resolve and took the immediate next step. It’s that simple.

Nik Curfman 9/23/21 Nik Curfman 9/23/21

Abstract: Culture and Community

A poem about the nobility of community and culture, and our need for Him.

Culture can be a wonderful shield,

to block misunderstanding,

and unite its followers.

Community is the warm blanket,

comforting us through our dark moments.

These are good and noble aspects of life,

and necessary to create a happy existence.

Neither, however, is a substitute for purpose,

for self-respect,

or Him.

All the feels and insulation will never compensate for the need to be loved,

through shame and doubt,

away from sin and toward the His light.

It is who we are when we are alone,

without community,

where culture is exposed,

this is what matters most.

We can run from the community,

and naviagte culture,

But He, He is always with us.

When the community deserts us,

He never leaves.

When culture turns on us,

He never will.

He is who is,

so we are eternally who He says we are.

Nik Curfman 9/22/21 Nik Curfman 9/22/21

Vol II: #31 A Vision of Worship

During the final chorus of Alleluia, I saw(in my mind) something wondrous and awesome. The Lord took me up into Heaven. All the Saints (of the Great Cloud of Witnesses) were engaged in raucous worship- not on their faces. They were alive and untethered by anything. A moment later, I saw a single woman in Chile as she sat alone in her apartment, a black mother in LA, a Japanese commuter vibing to the music in his earbuds, and a young Afghani man behind a tall wall. All of them singing- aloud and in silence- to the Lord. As it happened in Heaven, it happens on Earth.

Today’s worship team was comprised of native Spanish speakers. Bethel attracts people from all over the world and Central/South America is well represented. So, it doesn’t surprise me they had enough qualified worshippers to comprised an entire team. I love the diversity in my class, as I often German, Dutch, Spanish, and the occasional Russian in the hallways. And, the sheer volume of international students at BSSM makes Redding feel less white bread, which I like.

I sensed the excitement oozing from the worship team as they bounced around the Civic Auditorium stage. This week featured nothing but first-year students, each group ready for the moment. But, today was different. I could stereotype it by saying it’s “Latin” energy and maybe I’m reading into it. Regardless, the feeling in the room changed when the worship leaders began to sing in their native tongue. The Spanish-speaking students responded in kind, their voices louder and filled with emotion. Each of them traveled a physical and cultural distance to be in Redding, and they have my admiration for it.

I know many elevated people have grand visions of 24-hour worship, and I’m here to say we already have it. When I’m alone and I feel like shit, I’m not alone-not in Heaven or on Earth. When we raise our voices, we join the worldwide chorus in worship to the Lord- with many languages, from a multitude of countries and timezones. The next time you mumble your favorite lines from your favorite songs, remember you aren’t the only person doing it. We are part of something great and amazing and alive. It’s the enemy who wants us to feel alone and isolated. It’s a lie. We are part of the living Body of Christ. And, we get to worship Him together.

At that moment, I felt more akin to all of the people in the room, and the tribes they represent. We are truly a body with many pieces and I’m blessed to know them.

Nik Curfman 9/21/21 Nik Curfman 9/21/21

Abstract: Good Tired

A poem about knowing you’ve had a good day, and are ready for the night.

There’s an exhaustion that comes,

only when the day is won,

it’s a moment of satisfaction.

It’s that good tired,

when your soul is content,

and your body is ready to rest.

Nik Curfman 9/21/21 Nik Curfman 9/21/21

Vol II: #30 Bye To My Distractions

Without social media, I’m not confronted with a deluge of crap every day. No politics or culture wars. No moronic conspiracy theories or self-righteous bullshit. As a bonus, I’m super productive when I’m not glued to my phone. Crazy, eh?

Last week, I began to weed the distractions out of my life. I deleted the Instagram app from my phone, as well as all my games. Then, I removed all my work apps- Slack, UpWork, Canva, Asana, etc. The first few days were rough without my digital distractions. At one point, I sat on the couch and stared at the wall. Literally, I stared at the blank wall beyond the TV. Then, the anxiety settled in by late Sunday evening. What am I supposed to do now? The obvious answer is ANYTHING I FRICKING WANT!!

The truth is social media, and endless scrolling offers us shallow comfort. We receive little hits of dopamine in exchange for our time. It’s not like an addiction. It IS an addiction. (You may read more here.) No. It’s not like nicotine or alcohol. I’ve quit smoking and battled heavy drinking. Deleting a few apps off my phone is nothing like putting down a cigarette for the last time. Regardless, the anxiety I felt Sunday night was real because I didn’t have my phone buddies.

As of today, a mere three days later, I feel great. When I’m talking to people, I feel present and unhindered by “what I’m missing on social media.” Yesterday, my friends Nathan and Emilie stopped in Redding on their way to Portland. We ate tacos and talked till the sunset behind the trees in Caldwell Park. It was awesome.

I hope this blog never becomes something that controls me. As of now, I have a few loyal readers and a handful of visitors every month. I write because I love to write, not because I need to write. Long may it stay that way.

Nik Curfman 9/18/21 Nik Curfman 9/18/21

Abstract: Freedom To Do

A poem about what freedom is.

Freedom is often interpreted as the use of power,

but it also the ability to sit while the room rages.

Liberty is a state of being we gift to one another,

through laws- written and unwritten.

It doesn’t judge or regulate,

but only asks “what’s good for this person?”

The old writings say “Where I am, there is liberty,”

and peace, and love, and kindness, and shakes, and laughter.

Seems like He is no liar.

The Hand of God placed on our heart may stir us to any number of reactions.

Let it be so,

and let each go in the way they should, for His liberty’s sake.

Nik Curfman 9/17/21 Nik Curfman 9/17/21

Vol II: #29 The Dude Abides

I could write about any number of topics today. It was a long and emotionally challenging week. My days were filled with kinds of behavior and distractions common when I move into something new. I’m frustrated with some leaders in my life, and people around me are hurting. My natural reaction is to fight or fix it or fly away. It’s not my nature to stand without action, what scripture calls abide.

For a few brief moments this morning, I considered a hiatus from this blog. But that's a dumb idea. This blog is a living document of my life and experiences. My wife and children will be able to read it. And when I’m gone, my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be able to know me in ways I will never know my great-grandparents. They will know my life was messy and uneven, but I loved the Lord and trusted Him. And I had a remarkable life.

This week, it became clear, my mental and spiritual DNA is different. It’s something I embrace. The Lord gave me a unique way to see people and life, and I will be misunderstood. I believe part of my calling at BSSM is to learn how to bridge the gap between the Church and those abused and belittled by Church. It’s a two-part equation because Christian leadership must improve. They’ve got to learn to keep THEIR hands off God’s anointed too. I’m no Christian leader, so my journey is to help the hurt, the offended, and the abused. There’s a place in the church for us too- a healthy place. No more white-knuckling through immature leadership, shitty sermons, and bad teaching. We will learn to abide without anxiety or shame, regardless of the absurdity on stage.

One measure of maturity is the understanding of what we can influence and change, and more importantly, what we cannot influence or change. Nik is not called to change and confront thousands of years of poor Christian leadership. I will wave the flag of victory- in part- by discussing my journey back into the bowels of organized Christendom. It began when I decided to go to BSSM aka “The Hope.” I wouldn’t willingly walk into a situation without hope or vision. Now, I’m engaged in “The Battle.” If I fight and struggle with all the same old demons, I’ll get the same results. It’s not about them. This struggle is about whether I trust the Lord, who He is, who He says I am, and what He has for me. It’s not about the leaders either. The kindness of God leads to repentance, not cynicism or judgment.

Nik Curfman 9/16/21 Nik Curfman 9/16/21

Abstract: The Traveler

A poem about letting go of burdens.

The traveler walked the dusty road,

from the village to the sea.

Though the ocean was in his heart,

he couldn’t help but notice the unprepared people he shuffled by.

As the route turned through the trees,

he bent to pick up sticks,

and fallen fruit,

and leaves for the wiping.

Soon his back became heavy with the burden he dared to bear,

as his focus shifted to others rather than the sea.

His feet slowed to an amble,

his vision clouded by those too broken to continue the hike,

and the ones far from the trail.

He beckoned them onward,

with an open hand and a generous disposition,

but they refused to move,

mainly because he had stopped moving too.

His heart now mimicked his back,

and it began to break.

Then, the air caught his nose,

and the salty ocean reminded him of the reason for the journey.

After a second to consider the affair,

he dropped all his supplies,

the weight around his heart,

and ran toward the Deep.

Nik Curfman 9/16/21 Nik Curfman 9/16/21

Vol II: #28 I Don’t Trust God

The oldest- and still most effective- lie humans entertain is GOD IS NOT WHO HE SAYS HE IS. Every other lie and every sin is built on this foundation. IF God isn’t kind, I need to protect myself (enter greed, murder, and racism.) IF God isn’t gracious, I am alone (enter anxiety, depression, and disconnection.) IF God doesn’t love me, I am unworthy of love (enter shame, codependence, and addiction.) These are all variations of the original: You can’t be who you are because God isn’t who He is.

I am a problem-solver, like most men. My ability to handle a stressful situation dramatically decreases the longer it remains unchanged. And, powerless people who would rather complain about life or sit in their “fear of moving forward” are my kryptonite. These flaws in my heart are forms of impatience and fear. You should know, I am also impatient without myself and God Almighty.

On my morning walk through the forest, I reached a crescendo in my complaints to the Lord. In return, He asked a simple question, “Do you trust me?” The answer is yes, and no. I trust the Lord on a personal level. I trust He’s leading me and won’t let me fail. But, I do not trust Him with my family, some friends, and church leaders. Why do people choose less, to believe in a small God, and put more faith in the works of evil than a God of lavish goodness? I know the answer before I finish the question.

The oldest- and still most effective- lie humans entertain is GOD IS NOT WHO HE SAYS HE IS. Every other lie and every sin is built on this foundation. IF God isn’t kind, I need to protect myself (enter greed, murder, and racism.) IF God isn’t gracious, I am alone (enter anxiety, depression, and disconnection.) IF God doesn’t love me, I am unworthy of love (enter shame, codependence, and addiction.) These are all variations of the original: You can’t be who you are because God isn’t who He is.

This is the point of the story of Adam and Eve. Whether it actually happened or is an explanation of the Lord's relationship to humanity, the truth remains. The Lord made us, put us on a wonderful planet, and supplied every need imaginable. And yet, we doubted Him and continue to doubt Him…with our families, friends, and fellow Christians. We choose to protect, control, and dive into hopelessness. Our fear is why Hebrews says, “without faith, it is impossible to please God.”

Faith isn’t a conjured feeling of confidence, it’s a trust. In my vulnerable state, the most faith I can muster(pun intended) is to believe the Lord is good. I can’t see the end and I hate to see people I love caught in cycles of bullshit, BUT I’ve got a mustard seed. My goal isn’t to put confidence in my wisdom or experience. I don’t need to have answers. My aim is to say “LORD, I BELIEVE YOU ARE WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE.”

I believe you love me and my loved ones. I believe you have a plan for your people. I believe in your supernatural presence and grace. I believe you know know what’s best for your children. You are the great I AM, the Salvation of all mankind, but also the friend of every person. You stand at the door, forever knocking to be let in. Our choice is to let you in, to give you a seat in our hearts, every day.

Lord, I don’t trust you the way I want to trust you. But, I trust you enough to open my heart to your goodness and love. I believe you are who you say you are, and I need more of you, not less. I will stress myself to death trying to fix what I cannot fix. It’s my joy to watch you work.

- Amen.