Abstraction: Cut by the Glass

A flick of my thumb, like a roll of this dice, I never know what will come.

The scroll stopped on a black and white photo of a restaurant. A woman worked behind the counter. My former future taunting me as I stared.

This one picture held everything I thought I wanted, I loved. And old sorrows rose as I fixed my eyes on the screen.

They got everything they wanted. Used me up. Left me to bleed. I wanted to argue, and spit, and scream.

A moment later, anger gave way to dejection as I put the glass down. Surges of sadness flooded my heart.

I closed my eyes and wept. I loved her. I loved her, I loved her, I loved her. I still love her. I can’t stop loving her. I can’t stop hoping the best for her, hoping she’s happy.

After a few deep breaths, I let silence fill the room.

I waited for the Voice above all voices, and He did not disappoint.

“I am here…Would you go back?”

No.

“Do you trust me?”

Yes.

“Good.”

Simple as that, I laid my broken heart in His hands. A practice now routine between us, I gave the Lord all my suffering, desires, and judgments.

And like He’s done a hundred times before, He washed away all that would drag me back to what I was. Back to the me before I divorced my fear.

The sadness of an unwelcome end is not to be ignored. The wounds of suffering either fester or heal, but they never fade anyway. And I will not bandage myself in the false wisdom of self-protection.

I will allow myself to bleed and weep before Him, creating room for Him to work miracles.

My heart healed, pumping to the rhythm of joy, I think back to the glass. The resentment and heartache now vanished, replaced by peace and love.

I hope they continue on toward their great destinies. I head toward mine.

DJ: #49 Moving On, In Hope

It was the disconnect I wanted and needed ever since May 31st. Last night, I finally let her go. I finally released what was, and settled into the truth of my existence. I trust Jesus. This trust, a hope, empowers me to believe the best is ahead, not behind. 

I feel a bit like Abraham, laying my promise on the altar to be sacrificed. Thankfully, I know about Abraham, and Esther, and Job, and Jesus, and Paul. The promises of God are better than what we can imagine. He provides a way when we let Him work. 

Overall, I’m relieved to create a space for pure friendship with her. No expectations. No personal hopes. Something new for both of us. And if something were to develop, I wouldn’t shoot it down. But I am not going back to what we had. It was special and sweet, and incredibly flawed. Neither of us lived from our hearts. I ignored myself and got sick. But…also, some really powerful seeds sprouted too. So who knows what could happen? 

She remains, and probably will always be, one of the best people I’ll ever know. I have nothing but gratitude for her. Even now. She carries the room to a higher place, has little tolerance for cynicism, and desperately longs to walk in the love and grace of the Holy Spirit. She does all that without being condescending or weird. (And yes, she is flawed. A gift I gave myself when I first met her was I never idealized her. But her greatness will always outweigh her weaknesses.) I could go on and on about what I like about this woman, obviously. Her awesomeness was not dependent on my opinion(or anyone’s opinion, or her opinion), it’s inherent in who she is. 

As of today and onward, my faith roots are growing deeper in the Lord. She set a new standard for what I expect from a girlfriend in my life, and my expectations are higher for the future, from who ever I date and from myself. It feels good to know I’m not going backwards. I’m not laying something down to settle for less. God is so good. 

The Blah of Life

It’s one of those days, caught between sad and happy where nothing seems to move the emotional lever up or down. This is why best practices are in fact best. I’ve taken care of myself today despite the lack of motivation. I’m definitely not depressed, but I’m not slap happy. Here’s my rub today:

How do I know when I’ve heard the voice of God? Especially when I want something? It is very often a frustrating experience.

I had a quick vision of a thing last September. Nothing I wanted in the moment, but a picture I embraced. I quickly told the Lord,”if that’s going to happen, it’s on You.” I went on living my life. 

Almost a year later, it seems as though that vision is dead. So what gives? Why does this happen? 

Jesus, help me understand. I want to believe You speak to me, and I can hear Your voice. So why does this happen? I didn’t ask for that moment, a clear vision of my future. I know I can hear Your voice for other people, but I’m having a hard time hearing for myself, especially when it involves my heart. 

I don’t want to hear what I want to hear. I want our truth, grace, and love. Everything You have for me is good. I do not fear disappointment. I fear placing my expectations in the wrong place, standing in faith on the sand, instead of your Rocks. 

My heart knows, regardless of outcome or circumstance, you are good. I’m good. I am afraid.

I am afraid. 

I am afraid.

But that’s this walk isn’t it. Having faith to say to the mountain “get up and go”, and if the mountain stays put, there is a bigger plan at work. It’s not me. 

You’ve carefully held my head and heart. I see your hands. And I know this: Disappointment isn’t the problem. My interpretation of disappointment is problem. When what I’ve held in my heart falls into shards of a broken dream, it doesn’t mean I fucked up. 

I can’t use a misinterpretation of failure as a reason to stop listening and believing. So, sweet baby Jesus, keep speaking. Keep casting Your visions. 

Amen.