Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 7/26/21 Nik Curfman 7/26/21

Vol II: #8 Going Fishing

Despite twenty years of romantic frustration, I endure to hope. Even when my mind creates scenes of failure— to temper the dream- my heart refuses to quit. I know relationships are hard, but my chances improve the more hands I play. I know whatever frustration I feel today will melt away when the time comes. One day soon will be the last day I describe myself as single. And, today I am as ready as I’ll ever be. My vision moving forward is no longer obsessed with self-perfection, but fishing.

I, for most of my life, was afraid to set my sails with the wind. I battled insecurity and doubt, unwilling to raise my flag in a declaration of who I was. In a manner of speaking, I wanted to fish but never went fishing. After all, fishing isn’t unique or special. Do you know what else isn’t special? Insecure, people-pleasing, bitch-ass men too scared to blaze the trail set just for them. If I want to be loved for who I am, I best be who I am. All my years of trying to be someone produced nothing, so I have nothing to lose. Literally.

My Old Man recently told me I would “catch fish while I’m catching fish.” We both laughed because the phrase needed no explanation. Good, strong women, want and recognize good, strong men. Conversely, weak men and women find each other like ants on sugar. The stronger I grow, the fewer excuses I make for people. (Grace and kindness are not dependent on worthiness.) If a woman doesn’t text back for five days, I am not required to overcome her communication issues. I’m not an asshole for having healthy expectations. (I have no idea if Ms. Rachel was interested in me, but I know she respects me.)

In a way, I feel like everything in my life is imploring me to walk down the road so clearly under my feet. Yet, these steps have been a bit harder to take. I have stood at this intersection for months now. I say I want to make art and investing a priority, but they remain hobbies. They remain hobbies because I feel like an imposter in both fields. In all fairness to myself, I am an amateur in both fields. But…that’s not the point. This blog and my job in marketing taught me what I can do if I dedicate myself to a task.

Today is the day I dedicate myself to the task of investments and art, and I created a set of ambitious goals for each. Over the next year, until July 26th, 2021, I will draw 330 sketches. This does not include instruction time from my drawing instructor. Second, I will finish my options trading classes by August 6th, and begin to trade options contracts by August 9th. Then from August 9th, 2020 to August 9th, 2021, my goal will be to double my investment fund. These are small steps and I know they’ll lead to big changes. This is me going fishing. God, I hope I catch a fish.

Nik Curfman 4/15/21 Nik Curfman 4/15/21

Journal: #257 She’s Looking For Me

As I type this post, I am the most me-ee I’ve ever been. I know who I am and what I want. I know how I want to spend my days, nights, and weekends. What a time to be alive. And what a perfect time for her eyes to be open. Who am I to complain? The Lord saved me from being old and full of regrets.

The older/wiser I become, the more I know what to look for in a woman. Long gone are fantasies and misplaced expectations. The fights will come, and in those moments choose to be in it rather than run. Does she love herself? Honor herself? Believe in who the Lord says she is? Or, does she expect her partner to provide all the answers? You don’t have to know me to know I’m looking for emotional intelligence and self-possession. I’m want her to have some answers.(And hugs. Always hugs.)

While walking through the forests of Churn Creek, I prayed about my future mate, mainly I’m tired of waiting. And yet, I’m glad I’m single. The joy I have for what the Lord did in my life over the last year is gigantic. I’m where I need to be. As I relieve myself by the creek, I had a thought strike me so hard I began to cry mid stream. Yes. While I peed, I began to cry due a simple thought. There’s a woman looking for me. To think, there’s a fine lady looking for me? The notion never occurred to me.