Vol II: #21 Nervous As They Come

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Today is my first normal day in a while, though I have lingering feelings of guilt and shame over my missed routines. The easiest example is this blog post; it’s my first post since last Wednesday. I believe, without looking into it, the 96-hour layoff is the longest between postings. I’m trying to be gracious with myself, and remember I gave myself a few days this year to lay low.

Wednesday, I am scheduled to begin ministry school here in Redding. As I type this post, I am closer than ever to put in for a refund. What’s the point? I’m not a revivalist, and I’m not trying to be. I’m no kid or in need of someone to interpret the Bible for me. Plus, that $5000 tuition payment could help me launch a business.

My honest to God fear is this experience will be as disappointing as every other interaction with the church. They will preach about behavior and demand satisfaction, smile while they say “God is Good”, and see only my talents and/or skills. I’m tired of church leaders trying to use me. That’s not the Jesus I know. All of my fearful speculations beg the question: what was I thinking a year ago when I thought it was a good idea? I know the answer to that question, and I know how the Lord works.

The Lord will let us set our sails toward one goal, even when it isn’t the main goal. He does this because it gets us in the direction of where we need to be. The Lord is not a perfectionist. I know this because I was never “supposed to be” Jason’s long-term business partner, but it got me out of San Francisco. The Bible says “the gate is small and narrow is the way.” We get our “straight and narrow” saying from this misinterpretation. A better translation of Matthew 7:14 is “the walk with God is personal and long.” There’s nothing about our walk with the Lord being easy or straight. Detours and deadends are common.

Orientation is Wednesday, and I need all the peace and wisdom I can muster between now and then. Prayers appreciated.

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