Random Smiles
It’s happening. Random smiles, untethered to anything logical or obvious. Random joy, felt deep within. I assume it’s the fruit and continuation of my choice to surrender my mind to the Lord. Joy was always allusive prior to this year, a fruit I could not sink my teeth into. But 2020 is proving to be a banner crop year. Two weeks ago I wrote about joy beyond intellect. And last week I had a slightly odd vision I’ll share with you now.
I saw myself standing before God. (I’d describe the room or space, but there wasn’t one. It was the two us. That’s all.) I saw frustration on my face, but felt the warmth of His love. What came next was unexpected, for I watched myself plucked off the top half of my skull, exposing my grey matter. I set the skull fragment on the ground and presented my living brain to the Lord. Mind you, this was all very real in appearance, not cartoonish or hazy. I saw blood, and bits of hair stuck the side of my face.
After the gift giving…I comically placed the top of skull back upon my empty head. I felt free. It was the type of freedom I assume an idiot feels, to be silly, without conscience or self-judgment. So I did what idiots do, I ran around the space. And laughed. And jumped, and thought nothing of what it meant or why it was happening.
This is a very literal picture of what’s happening my my life. My intellect was a source of harmful pride, the thing I fell back on to prop me up in low moments. At least, I’m smart. But being smart was never good enough to feel whole or safe, or loved. Even more, it was a barrier to something greater.
(LOLOLOLOL. This is too good. I had to screenshot and include what I typed in the rough draft of this post. It’s hilarious. “At least, I smart.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. #nailedit)
Joy is sweeter than intelligence, faith is more satisfying than expertise, and uncontrollable love is far superior to rigid life-strangling routine. What a great God we serve. I’ll take all the silly smiles and unplanned laughter I can get. I’m finished being serious and clever.
(If I have to say it, I will. I absolutely love to learn and grow intellectually. I am not advocating an abandonment of logic, science, or learning. Far from it. What I am doing is two things. One, I am believing there is room in my life to leave moments and events unexplained and be unexplainable. Not everything has to make sense. And two, I took my intellect off its prideful pedestal. Once I saw my wits as a barrier, it had to come down.)
