DJ: #43 Introducing King Douche
I wrote and posted my first poem yesterday. For about an hour yesterday, I felt like I was on top of my world. I was confident and proud. Doubt and insecurity were suddenly absent. Everything was possible. In the aftermath, I rode a wave of self-praise. I felt as though I could do this (Be a writer), if I stick to it. It’s only a matter of time…Matter of time before what? Eh bud, finish the sentence. Before what? Before my genius is recognized.
And there it is. The confidence wasn’t in what I did, it was in the projection of future acclaim. And what I felt was a fake confidence, the breed I am desperately fighting at every turn. Even more alarming was the immediate air of superiority I sensed, like I’m a gift to humanity.
Hello King Douche. WTF? How did I go from an insecure puddle of doubt to an arrogant prick?
I cannot remember the exact wording to the axiom, but it goes something like: in life, there’s a ditch on either side of the road. The reality is both the insecurity and arrogance are expressions of my base need for recognition. Insecurity is focused on the present and feeding the fear beast. My arrogance is focused on the future and the coming rewards for my brilliance.
The actual road is humility before the Lord my God. I am nothing without Him. Nothing good. The best of me is rooted in Him, but I struggle to stay present some days. Some days I look back at the past and let it define me, and yesterday I looked to the future and allowed myself to accept imagined praise.
I am tired of being insecure and full of doubts, but I really don’t want to be as ass either. I want to be present and humble. I want to love people and encourage them to be who they are and embrace the fullness of Jesus.
What if the only people I reach are my friends, maybe 30-40 people? What if all this living from the heart stuff and being who I am leads to nothing grand? Am I ok with being unknown and unfollowed? Of being one of the guys?
Yes. Yes, I am. If all my work and toil impacts the people around me, it is worth it. Even more, I will encourage my future wife and children in such a manner, and my grandchildren. I will be the link in the chain from one generation to the next. I will serve my community by being who I am.
I have no idea what lies ahead. My current priorities are to hold the hand of the Lord, and be who I am. Where it leads is up to Him. He’s leading, and I will follow.
