In part one of Face the Wall, I wrote about my need to face said wall as a means of mental and emotional survival. Most of my life, like Taylor Swift, I’ve relied on the praise and input of others. I was high when the words flowed in my favor, and depressed when they did not. The most discouraging reality is the harshest voice are in my head. No one judges me harder than I do, and it’s gotta stop.

In a few areas of my life I am as wise and patient as I’ve ever been. I’m physically healthier than at any point in my adult life. I am paying down my debt while sowing more into my investments. And, my bond with Jesus it growing everyday.

And yet, in others I still feel like a child at the back of the line. My writing can be drab and lifeless, my drawings like that of a teenager. Most of the time I do not worry about being single, which means on some days I do. I have goals and dreams, but they seem oceans away.

At 40, I now understand what faith is. I could continue to judge myself and settle for less. I could believe my past will prophesy my future, but I won’t. I choose to trust the Lord to lead me. I choose to believe He is my bridge from moments of doubt to the moment of promise. He is my shepherd and guide. I do not lack.

I don’t know where my life is headed. I do know I need to persevere. To do that, I’ve got to stop listening to the judges and start listening to the Lord. When I write I write to Him. When I draw, I draw for Him. It’s up the Holy Spirit as to what happens next.

The other day, as I contemplated this season of my life, I thought about so my heroes. I thought about St Paul, St Patrick, and a few others. Paul spent 9-10 years preparing to be a missionary after his conversion. St Patrick spent 25 years between his escape from Ireland to his return as Bishop of Ireland. Then there’s Vincent Van Gogh. He only sold a handful of paintings while he was alive. The number of paintings he sold is disputed, but his genius was only recognized after his death.

The point is most people who do anything worth a damn have a preparation period AND the grit to keep hacking when others relent. Paul was an ambitious Type A dude. I guarantee he was impatient while he sat under feeble-minded Peter. St Patrick certainly took his sweet ass time getting back to Ireland. And every human on the planet would be poorer had Van Gogh decided to turn in his paint brushes when critics dismissed his thick paint and heavy brushstrokes.

I want to be somebody worth a damn, and do things worth doing. Yet, I don’t think that can be the goal. All of the men listed above are more well-known in death than they were in life. In their time: Paul was a zealot spreading a new cult from Palestine, St Patrick was an idiot trying to evangelize an outpost of the Roman empire, and Van Gogh who took up painting after he failed at everything else (including preacher.)

I think the only true aim in life is to pursue the Lord and love those around us. The rest is up to Him. My task is to love myself so powerfully I shut all the voices, especially the ones in my head.