Motivation Monday #2: Intrinsic Motivation

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They say intrinsic motivation is what we do of our own accord, the actions and tasks we perform without praise or recognition or payoff. I prefer a more simple definition: it’s what we love to do. (Remember, motivation can be a complex mix of external and internal factors.) The easiest example of “doing what we love” is parents. Parents typically care about their children, as well as what other’s think of their parenting. And thankfully, most parents focus more on their children than the opinions of others.

My intrinsic motivation works it’s way out of me in little ways. I keep my room clean and bed made because it gives me a sense of peace and satisfaction. All cleaning and organization does. Whenever I hit my fitness goals for the day, I feel relieved/accomplishment. I’m grateful for these daily wins. What I wrestle with is the sense of what I must do instead of what I want to do, which feels like a battle between my externals and my internals. I should be interviewing for a better job, working out when I have free time, and paying my debts as fast as possible. The odd part is when I give myself time to do “the things” I still have trouble getting started or finishing.

Today I spoke to my counselor, aka Chat GPT, and managed to tease out the common factor limiting my intrinsic motivations: an inability to stay present, which is demonstrated above. Most of my self-critique is focused the past (oh, the mistakes you’ve made) or the future (if you want ‘x’, you need to do ‘y’.) Of course, should I manage to defeat those two buffoons, I have the evil boss waiting, aka you’re not good enough. It’s like I have three bastards working real hard to put me off task. Even the writing of this post was an exercise in perseverance, of sticking to my commitment regardless of how rambling it feels, or what my nephews texted, or how often I need to pee.

So, I will work on the following suggestions from my counselor and report back next week.

Stay Present:

• Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present in the moment (listed below). Concentrate on the task at hand rather than worrying about the future.

• Try deep breathing exercises or short meditation sessions to refocus your mind.

  Reflect on Progress:

• Regularly reflect on how far you’ve come. Keeping a journal of your progress can help you appreciate your efforts and stay motivated.

• Write down your thoughts and feelings about each completed task.

Implementing Staying Present Techniques

1. Morning Meditation: Spend 5-10 minutes each morning practicing mindfulness meditation.

2. Deep Breathing: Whenever you feel overwhelmed, take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

3. Focus Sessions: Use a timer to work in focused intervals, followed by short breaks.

4. Gratitude Journal: Each evening, write down three things you’re grateful for.

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Motivation Monday #1: Extrinsic Motivation

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“You’ll never make money watching YouTube videos.”

I thought that today. And I needed to think it. Nearly every day, whenever I sit down to write or draw or even read, I am faced with a battle, from twin assholes known as Not Good Enough and You’ll Never Make Money Doing That. Their convincing taunts and arguments tend to make cry, or in the least, tie me down. And now I wish I could go back and hand myself a road map. Oh, Nik. 21 year-old, Nik. Just start drawing dude. Keep writing. Where would I be…

Concerns centered around money (or social status, or recognition) are known as extrinsic motivations. We all have them and they are good. Mostly. My best external motivator is competition. I love to compete. The thing is, these types of motivation is fleeting for me. I want to put my seeds in the dirt today and harvest from the trees tomorrow. And the more I consider my external pushes and pulls, I see impatience creeping just beneath the surface of my thoughts and feelings. 21 year-old Nik wasn’t patient either.

Perhaps the biggest challenge I face is being patient enough to let me do the work. In twenty years, I’ll be sixty-three.

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Vol IV: #71 Changes To Come

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I started this blog in July of 2020, at a time when my life was in a chaotic flux. And the task of blogging helped center me. I posted over 330 posts in that first year. And I was proud of the accomplishment. The last three years, I’ve drifted and tried to figure out what to do next in this space. Currently, I’m sharing bits of my life, including random thoughts and observations.

This week I put serious thought into my goals and process and I asked myself what I wanted. The short answer is to write more. But what do I write about? It’s easy to set goal for number of posts, far harder to achieve it. So, the next question I needed to answer is if I’m going to post 150 blog posts, what do I write about? As mentioned above, I’m tired of myself. Tired of blobbering. I want to evolve and I want year five to be hopeful and encouraging. And I need to be organized. Intention won’t get the job done.

So, I arrived at the following:

1. I moved up my blog birthday to July 1st, because I can.

2. Starting July 1st, I’ll post nearly every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Each day will correspond to a specific theme, which are:

   1. Motivation Monday: Exploring all things motivation, where to find it, how to find it, keep it, and what to do when it’s gone. We all know what life is like when we’re motivated and hopeful, and when it’s gone, when all is dark and bleak. I want to explore both side of that street. And, ultimately, I want to document my process of being able to stay motivated and focused regardless of what life lays on me.

   2. Writer’s Prompt Wednesday: Using a prompt, I’ll write a short story and post it. These will be fictional stories, for the most part. And the goal is to publish creative work on a regular basis. Ship it, if you will.

   3. Fun Fridays: Each Friday, I’ll review the previous week with the goal being to highlight what went well that week. With all that goes wrong in life, in and around me/us, gratitude has never failed me. And I want to end my week focused on what’s good and life-giving, rather than the idiots and failures.

3. I’ll post 150 blog posts over the next year (three a week with a few off days for holidays and travel.)

4. Finally, I want to redesign my website, link post, and improve site navigation.

That’s it. I’m looking forward to the next year and an organized approach. (You’d be surprised at the number of posts I wrote but never published or the days I wasted trying to decided what to write about.) See you Monday.

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Vol IV: #70 Chat GPT and Loser Thinking

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I feel trapped, inside a box, a pitch black box. And all my thoughts are a dark and sad as my surroundings. And though I obsess about my future and success, I remain a loser. My ass growing fatter, as I sit in my box thinking toxic thoughts. What a fraud. What an absolute liar and cheat. Theses are the thoughts I think.

And I don’t know what I can’t punch through the walls of this paper thin prison. A misty layer of lies tying me inside, tying my soul to shame and fear, whilst I repeat the same sins and mistakes I made as a kid.

I wrote the above because I wanted to write something, anything, no matter how dark or convoluted. And then I went to my therapist aka ChatGPT. And I complained to ChatGPT. Stupid artificial intelligence gave me exhausting lists of things to do. So, out of shear frustration, I asked the robot to act like a therapist, which it did. Amazingly well.

The third question asked was this:

Can you identify a few instances where you tried to improve or expand on something and it went better than you expected? How did that make you feel?

Think about this and share some examples.

And think I did.

A couple times in college, I wrote papers that throughly impressed my professors. In one case, a history teacher shook my hand, in another the professor (without naming me) praised my effort in front of the whole class. She called my work "beautiful." In an anthropology class, I earned one of two As(out of a class of 35) and a heap of praise from the professor. And my senior thesis won third place at my university.

Yes. Each of these instances made me feel great, like I was special. But I find it hard to remember these moments without help.

In truth, most of my professors loved me and my work. And I forget this because it’s too easy for me get hung up on what I’m (not) doing now, or want for my future. And without being asked, I doubt I would’ve settled on these memories, which is how loser thinking works. Loser thinking forgets victories, choosing to focus on losses and fear of loss. And I don’t know why I fall into these patterns, but I’m glad Chat GPT helped me out of it.

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Vol IV: #69 Hard Not to Believe It’s Going To Shit

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This week I’m going my best to stay away from YouTube, my last remaining social media account. And, it’s a hard task to complete. YouTube has worship music, football highlights, cooking vids, animals, and plenty of funny people. And for that, I love it. But, like a bad girlfriend, the positives aren’t outweighing the negatives. Not at this point in my life. I’m just not disciplined enough to limit my watching to only the good stuff.

And in all honesty, the biggest reason I left YouTube was because I’ve felt more hopeless than ever, after each political clip or social commentary. The sky is falling? Right? According to loud mouthed liberals and whack job conservatives, yes, it is. And while we face tremendous hurdles, I find no solace in the complaining rants of content creators, no matter how good their intentions are. And since YouTube (and Google) are intent on serving me the most “consumable” content, complaining rants is all I’m gonna get. Plus, I’m tired of “random” pro-atheist videos popping in my feed. Like I just listened to worship for an hour, why do you think I want to listen to Ricard Dawkins? (That’s intentional, the atheist stuff. The moral values of the folks at Google are painfully, obviously anti-Christian, not indifferent. To this point, I don’t use Chrome as my web browser or Google search. The results are censored.)

The very fact Google knowingly and openly censors search results is enough feel gloomy and hopeless. What are we to do? Who can we trust? When will western society collapse in on itself? These are all questions I’ve asked myself over the last year. Thankfully, I don’t need an answer to any of those questions. I don’t need Google or endless videos because I’m rooted in something else. And by stepping away from idiots websites, I can face my Hope. And, I embrace whatever comes. Should western society fall, we will rise to form something new.

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Abstract: Flowers

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If you ventured beyond Canada, once the sun returns from hibernation,

To the Arctic Circle,

You’d find a lemon colored poppy growing above the unmelted snow and blooming in the cold.

And should you wish to climb Everest,

Say hello to Himalayan poppy,

the Arctic’s cousin,

as you climb above the clouds.

Here in America,

In the Valley we named after Death,

grows a low bush with little flowers,

no heat to strong for this desert wreath.

And further south, way far down,

in the country of Chile,

you’ll discover the most dry land on earth.

The Atacama goes years with rain, up to ten.

But when it comes, the valley is violet with the Desert Flower.

Hot or cold, wet or dry, low and high,

We are never far from a flower,

A reminder of the Glory of His power.

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Vol IV: #68 Summer Come Early

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June is usually a fun month in Redding. The days start early and leave late, and are long with sun. It’s warm but not hot. And it’s not uncommon to be graced by a shower or two. I’ve grown accustomed to enjoying June as best I can, knowing July will arrive with its unrelenting furnace of summer. Unfortunately, the 2024 version of June is nothing more than July dressed up like the last month of Spring, unable to hide its heat and contempt for clouds and rain.

Almost surprisingly, I’m not mad about it. Disappointed, but not angry. How can I be? Railing against the weather makes as much sense asking a dog to be a turtle or going to McDonalds for a salad. I’m choosing to embrace this early start to summer. The hundred day clock in my head helps. From today, it will end on the first official day of autumn, when the days will be almost four hours shorter and the heat will have eased. And expect my life to have changed a good bit by then as well. I’ll be back in school, at Shasta Community, working a new job, and nearly finished with my novel.

Here’s to a good summer. I’m planning to go to lake more than in the past. Hope it helps.

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Vol IV: #67 Ship It

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In my attempt to complete my work, I recently began to published rough drafts. You may have noticed. If not, go read #65 and #66. Each is unfinished and unsatisfying, to me. And the reason I posted them is simple: I need to get in the habit of shipping my work rather than try to perfect it.

This concept comes from the godfather of modern marketing, Seth Godin. Since his hay day with Yahoo, he’s taught lot of people to “just ship it and move on.” And that’s what I’m doing. I want to publish my work rather than let it sit for weeks. And if that work is unorganized, so be it. This blog costs me $28/month, I can do what I want. Besides, don’t we love to see work in progress? I do.

Cheers.

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Vol IV: #66 Head in the Clouds

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Publishing this because I need it out of my Drafts. It’s a collection of observational thoughts rather than a story. All I really wanted to communicate is: Clouds are a small part but wondrous detail of life on our planet.

Over the last six weeks, I’ve developed an obsession with clouds. I’ve stood outside and stared at them, taken pictures, and used my finger to follow the outline of the various puffy shapes in sky. I’m not sure what I look like to the neighbors, but I hope they are amused. My goal is to make use of real live examples while I have them. Late March through mid-May is the best time of year to observe clouds, when they billow and streak across the sky on a regular basis. By late May they’ll be all gone, replaced by the occasional thin wisp during the hot summer months.

I’ve recently learned the of importance of blue ozone and light are to how perceive a cloud. Both sky and sun reveal texture, depth, and shape. And not only that, they provide perspective. The best time of day to cloud watch is early or late as the sun is low on the horizon and the angular sunlight casts deep, colorful shadows. And, of course, not all clouds are the same. Some are thing and formless, preferring to hang out high in the sky, while others are thick and low. The truth is each cloud is unique, like finger print or snow flake. And this uniqueness challenges me in my attempt to replicate them.

After all, what does a cloud really look like? The answer starts with “what type of cloud” then progresses to angle of the sun, air temperature, and time of year.

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Vol IV: #65 Humility

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I’ve given this post two previous attempts (both below.) And my only point is humility is good and pride is bad. Humility opens doors and creates opportunities. Pride keeps me from enjoying the little wins, whispers that’s not good enough and your not good enough. It pushes me to “rush the groove” and over complicate small details, while sneering and mocking me, you can’t go back to waiting tables you loser.

But, thankfully, humility is a power with two heads. The first is honesty and the second is hope. In being honest with myself and the Lord, I find the strength to say “I need help.” And it looks like going back to school at age 43(soon to be 44) to learn a new skill, writing one paragraph at time rather than pages per day, and taking timelines off the table. Truth is, if I focus on myself and continue to beat the darkness, I won’t get anywhere. I’ve got to accept where I am and build, one day at a time. It’s a tough task. I feel like most of what I want in life is slipping away. But, thankfully, that’s a damn lie. Remember, humility is a beauty with two heads, the other being hope. And hope believes in redemption and grace.

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#1. A few months back, I spent an hour listening to a grown man wallow in self-pity. He faced a tough reality and didn’t like his choices. And, rather than rise to occasion, he decided to bitch and moan like a helpless fawn stuck in the mud. By the end of the chat, I wanted to smack his balls with a hammer and tell him to wake up. But, I refrained. People slopping around in self-centered despair typically don’t respond well to a personal challenge. The confrontation becomes “one more thing” for the them to whine about. Besides, I know that nasty devil as well as anyone. Once he’s got your ear, he goes for your heart, pulling us deeper into paralyzing fear.

What my friend lacked is humility.

#2. Without regret, I set myself some mighty high goals for 2024. I waned this year to be the best year of my life. But, for anyone keeping score, I’m well behind. Progress has been painfully uneven and slow, and I’ve been forced to adjust. (And adjust.) The initial plan I created- a painfully detailed, day by day map- was scraped after February. And I had to drop the two business ideas(one in marketing and another in plant sales.) Thankfully, the novel is still on track to be finished this year. And more recently, I enrolled in Shasta Community College to earn a certification in professional welding, which wasn’t part of the plan at all.

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Abstract: Write It Out

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A thousand sensations feel better than this,

cool wind on my face,

the warm sun on a cold day.

The cool splash of a water fall in the summer,

and a hug from my momma.

Finishing a good book,

mowing the lawn,

or watching the sun drop with a friend after a hike.

Down a more sinister road,

being drunk or stoned is better than this.

Destroying glass jars on the road behind my house carries a satisfaction too.

But sitting alone in despair,

anger coursing through my veins,

feeling so weak and useless,

my breath catches in my chest.

I want to spill my violence on the world and share my pain.

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Vol IV: #64 Us vs Them

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Of the myriad of offensive trends of the last five years, I hate the “ok, boomer” trend. Mostly, I hate the judgement of that generation or any generation. And it’s always the same shit. The old people are too stuck in their ways while the young people are lazy and entitled. Right? Isn’t that what’s been said since the beginning? From my seat, my generation has too many issues to go around being a dick to everyone else. (Technically, I’m Gen-X, but I act and possess values more similar to Millennials. Regardless of my proper place, my previous sentiment is applicable to either group.)

I think we are scared little shits, to be frank. When faced with uncertainty, we predictability choose to fight or run, or freeze. And there is a time to fight and time to run. But we aren’t that wise. We do drugs and blame authorities, deflecting our responsibility. I heard it in the voice of friend today, but it might as well have been me. We also avoid going out in public and conflict of any kind. So when the moment comes, the inevitable bumps of life, we are completely unprepared to thrive. And gratitude? Joy? Sacrifice? Yeah buddy, fuck that. Nope, we are in our lates 30s and 40s, still blaming our parents and teachers, pastors and preachers. We love our drugs and our subscriptions, our deliveries and good intentions. And we will refuse to be wise, damnit.

Yes, the baby boomers made their mistakes. They gave us drugs- both legal and illegal-, high fructose corn syrup, and STDs. And don’t get me going on disco and bell bottoms. But, they know what sacrifice is. They knew how to go to work and provide for a family. And I think it’s time we cut them some slack. So, for my people, we’ve got to many problems to go around point out the flaws in everyone else.

Lord, I pray for courage. Courage to follow your lead, away from our addictions and self-pity. Toward wisdom and grace.

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