Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 10/10/20 Nik Curfman 10/10/20

DJ: #84 A Prayer of Determination

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

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Lord,

I don’t feel like I’m winning. I don’t feel like I’ve progressed, and I’m not sure I can feel those things. This is my 84th Daily Journal post. That’s something.

I went for a long walk. 5 miles. That’s something.

I signed a client to a long-term deal. That’s something.

I’m sketching almost everyday. That’s something.

I am in Love with you. That’s something.

You are in love with me. That’s something.

I am strong, smart, and kind. That’s something.

I am more engaged in my heart and my calling. That’s something.

I show up everyday to walk with you and listen. That’s something.

I can do all things through you. That’s something.

My faith is growing, despite how I fell. That’s something.

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

I believe You in your Kindness, Humor, and Courage.

I do not measure my life in externals, but the love, faith, and righteousness coming out of me.

I refuse to accept condemnation or guilt. I am loved. I am worthy. I am amazing.

I believe in me, the me I was created to be.

Jesus, I love you. Thank you.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 10/9/20 Nik Curfman 10/9/20

DJ: #83 The Miracle of Resurrection

In my life, I’ve always been willing to move on, to do something new. New is good. New doesn’t have a past or carry offenses. New I can trust. New isn’t devoid of problems or flaws. But, it is exciting. New is full of possibilities and wonder.

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I don’t have a deep or well-thought out discussion on the topic of resurrection, but I am meditating on it today. A friend recently reunited with his girlfriend, and it seems like the right move. (Who knows really, but in this case it seems good.) As he told me the story of his battle to go after her, I couldn’t help but think it was a resurrection of sorts. Their romantic relationship died, but now it’s alive.

I’m just gonna free-write now, whatever thoughts come to mind.

I think a more mature understanding of new is aware flaws will be exposed, limitations realized, and eventually disappointment will come.

Resurrection is aware of limits and flaws. And yet, it is new. Resurrection carries with it a renewed hope based in reality, not fantasy. It is a different kind of miracle. And, I am blessed to know the newness and the resurrection power of God in this season. This is love too.

(No. I am not aiming this meditation at anything or anyone.) With my friend’s reunion in mind, I took my thoughts to the Lord. If I am to let people or a situation back into my life, how I am to know what it good and right? As I prayed last night, the Lord repeated His recent request “Stay with me. In all things.”

On a more humorous note: I do believe I will never darken the backdoor of restaurant or food business again. I have supreme confidence in the reality my food service days are done. I feel extreme peace about it. LOL

Nik Curfman 10/8/20 Nik Curfman 10/8/20

DJ: #82 Rebounding from Shame

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am suppose to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

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Some thought processes and emotional hurdles are buried deep in my being. For example, anger was more easily dumped than judgment. Anger is a process, and I can stop that train at the moment I realize I’m on its tracks. But judgment? Judgment happens in a slim second. It’s effortless, but no less damaging.

Culturally speaking, anger is mostly frowned upon. Anger is the emotion of cavemen and the immature. Refined men don’t get angry. Healthy Christians are above it, supposedly. I don’t wrestle with its place in my life.

But judgement? That’s a different beast. We are proud of our judgments- our preferences, opinions, and view points. We are taught to be judgmental. Modern technology practically begs for our thoughts and opinions: Yelp, Google Reviews, any comment section, Uber driver ratings, Twitter, blogs, etc. And yet…my dude Paul wrote, “I don't care to be judged by you, I don’t judge myself.” Of all the my scripture reading this year, that one stands out. Where TF did that come from?

I, Nicklaus, judge myself. I judge my productivity, the quality and depth of my relationships, and just about damn near everything else in my life. As I discussed in my previous blog, this judgment is not of the Lord. It’s not of His nature or Spirit.

Despite this tendency, I refuse to accept this mentality. Life doesn’t need to be an intense experience. The prize in my war with judgement is joy (and relaxation.)

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am required to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

As always, the Lord is good to me, and proud of me. He doesn’t measure my life (or any life) the way I do. If I can learn to love I can learn to let go of fantasies of a person I am supposed to be. Truth is I rock. I f-cking amazing. Imperfect, but amazing.

Lord, I let go of comparison and judgment. I accept life as it comes and Your will in my life. I love myself, and I forgive myself.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 10/8/20 Nik Curfman 10/8/20

Learnt: Spirit over Flesh

Yesterday, for the first time I understood what Paul understood. More importantly, I now know the difference between walking in the flesh and by the Spirit. All of those sins Paul mentioned? They are a guide, not a condemnation.

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I’ve read Galatians 5 on a handful of occasions, and it never hit me the way it did yesterday. It begins with a verse most of us keep in our “Happy Scripture” pile,“It is for freedom that Jesus Christ set us free.” Or as the Message put a bit more eloquently, “Christ has set us free to live a free life.” That statement alone carries tremendous weight on its shoulders. Jesus set us free to make decisions and consciously choose to walk with Him. We are not exchanging slavery for slavery. Jesus wants friends and family, not hired hands.

The freedom thing isn’t what got me yesterday, awesome and sobering as it is. Nope, what slunk between my eyes was the part of the chapter I’d rather skip over. It is the section in which Paul details what living according to the flesh does in our life, and the fruit it being in bondage to it (again, the Message speaks to me):

“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time:
repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional
garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show
religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-
satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes
and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of
depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions;
ugly parodies of community. I could go on.”

As I read these words, I saw myself. I saw anger (brutal temper). I saw selfishness (all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants.) I saw immorality (cheap sex.) I saw practically every one of these “fruits” of the flesh work its way out of me at one point or another. And yes, I’m a Christian. (We forget, Paul was writing to fellow Christians.)

Ordinarily, scripture like this would be a stone around my neck, a heavy reminder of everything I should avoid. I would also use it as a measuring stick to judge myself, as though a successful walk with the Lord is measured by what sins we avoid.

Yesterday, for the first time I understood what Paul understood. More importantly, I now know the difference between walking in the flesh and by the Spirit. All of those sins Paul mentioned? They are a guide, not a condemnation.

I know now when I am engaging in control and fear. Whenever I engage in my flesh I am defensive, jealous, angry, needy, prone to addictive habits (like smoking cannabis, drinking, or masturbation), and I look for cheap alternatives to Love (like porn or binge-eating and shopping.) These are destructive signs that scream,“HEY NIK, YOU’RE NOT DOING WELL BUDDY! YOU NEED JESUS!”

The enemy loves to come over the top of my sins with judgment. He piles on the guilt and shame. What good Christian jerks off to porn? That weed isn’t really helping? Oops…angry again? You’ll always be angry. You can’t help it. You’ll always be fat and alone. Down the emotional rabbit hole I go.

The glorious moment I experienced yesterday came when I realized, while very imperfect, I now spend most of my life living according to the Spirit. And, what a stark difference it is.

“But what happens when we live God’s way?
He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard
—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a
willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a
conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves
involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to
marshal and direct our energies wisely.”
Galatians 5:22-23, The Message

I do not waste my energy trying to be good, trying to avoid sin. I see the fruit of the Spirit (peace, love, hope, joy, faithfulness, righteousness, self-control, etc) because I intentionally use my Freedom to choose Him. Everyday I show up and walk with the Lord in whatever state I am in. Today my day started with a battle in mind. I admitted it to the Lord, and we talked about it for a while. I didn’t do anything other than create room for Jesus to be who He is. Living in the Spirit is not a matter of my(or your) will power, but it is a choice.

All I can do is encourage you to show up before Jesus, everyday. (I wrote a whole blog about my process you may find interesting.) Be honest in your prayers. Lay all your fears, hopes, and desires at His feet. Accept what He gives you, and receive His goodness. Then trust Him.

Living in the Spirit is much more simple than I knew. No, it isn’t easy. I am amazed how deep some parts of my flesh are buried. Everyday is new battle, and I have the endurance to fight on till victory. Regardless, choosing the Lord is a matter of choices, words, and dedication. No special talent or qualification required. Past history matters only in our minds.

Nik Curfman 10/7/20 Nik Curfman 10/7/20

A: Is the Sun Silent

I closed my eyes to push the tears down my face.

No. He doesn’t care about quality or pedigree. And, I am not alone.

He hugs my heart, speaks wisdom to my mind, and purpose to my soul.

This is light and life.

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I sat on the dewy grass to stare at the sun as it set beyond the mountains.

Another day nearly done.

I wondered if the sun makes sound.

After all, it is a firey ball of exploding gases.

Or perhaps is works in silence as it showers us with light and life?

My thoughts faded as it dipped below the mountain tops.

And as the last glimpses of the day held on, my mind turned to God.

For a few cold moments, I felt abandoned.

Why?

To know God, to have faith, and still to doubt.

This is human.

Lord, where are you? I asked in a whisper.

Finally, I heard His voice.

I am here, He whispered back.

I feel empty. Like a failure. Again.

His answer surprised me.

I asked you to stay with Me, and you did.

You continue to show up. And, I’m proud of you.

I do not measure you with a ruler and checked boxes.

I do not judge you by your failures or careless words.

I relish your open heart and you honor Me with your dedication.

This is your success.

Now, finish whatever you start.

Do not fear the middle of the trip.

And do not look to the next step, rather focus your heart and mind to task at hand.

I closed my eyes to push the tears down my face.

No. He doesn’t care about my quality or pedigree. And, I am not alone.

He hugs my heart, cleanses my mind, and gifts my soul with purpose.

This is the sound of eternal Light and Life.

He is no silent Son.

Nik Curfman 10/7/20 Nik Curfman 10/7/20

DJ: #81 I Can’t Hate On 2020

But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.

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Seems like most people agree 2020 is/was a shit year. Without question 2020 has held some dark moments- coronavirus, the UK leaving the EU, racial injustice, rising unemployment, international tensions, the nastiness that is a US Presidential election, rising violence, various shortages, etc. Good Lord, it’s a lot. And, we still have roughly 82 days left in the year. Geez.

I think what I find most interesting is I’m not tired of the fight. I battle shit everyday- anxiety, depression, disbelief- and I’m unfazed. Usually, I would be deep down a hole of self-judgment by now. (Come on Nik, this is the third week in row.) How human a thing to do, to judge ourselves? But here I am, happy with me. I finally understand Paul’s admission to the Corinthians (4:3-4.)

3 I care very little, however, if I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not vindicate me. It is the Lord who judges me.

I am encouraged because I see the true value of persistence and dedication. It also helps to have vision beyond the moment, month, year. By valuing persistence and vision, I do not place undue burden on the present. Whatever we are, and whatever we become, is the work of a thousand decisions.

It only takes one choice to change direction, and a change in direction is the beginning of new journey. I am often thrilled to begin a new thing, as I envision the payoff. Where I, and many others, bog down is in the middle. After the novelty wears thin and the reality of the mission takes center stage, my heart has to be in it- whatever I’m pursuing.

Everything I’ve ever quit was because I didn’t think the pain was worth the payoff. Everything I’ve endured, I did. It’s really that simple.

As an adult, I rarely lacked the ability to endure what my heart didn’t support. It was super frustrating to believe I wanted a career or relationship only to realize it isn’t what I wanted. (Until this year, most of my motivation stemmed from shame and fear.) I believe most people know the feeling.

Now my fears come from what if I fail? Fortunately, the more I lean into being who I am the less I need affirmation. In fact, it’s not about “success vs failure”. I see now its about being, not a measurement. I write a blog everyday, and hardly anyone reads them. I don’t care. I’m here because I want to be here. I like writing, and I feel alive when I type.

Despite the failures of 2020, I fell in love with Jesus and myself. And if nothing else progresses, I will celebrate that. Always.

Thank you Lord for 2020. I’m so happy for this year.

Nik Curfman 10/6/20 Nik Curfman 10/6/20

DJ: #80 My Top 5 Practices For Change

I defeated the anxiety by utilizing the five practices below. My victorious moment came while I was 1) in prayer, 2) fighting anxiety(refusing to give into rejection), 3) being kind to myself, 4) prioritizing myself, and 5) speaking life and God’s word over my life. It was as though I hit reset button.

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I write this blog for myself as much as I write it for you. I’ve grown a lot over this year, and I want to remember the trail I’ve trodden. It’s a bit like being in school. I learn. I fail. I grow. I succeed. The thing is, I’m not tired or discouraged. This is the process of moving into a life worth living.

Most of my recent blogs centered on my battle with anxiety. I knew I had to keep fighting, as dangerous thoughts started to creep into my mind. “You’ve lost it. You were better in July. You’ve lost the magic.” None of it is true, but the most powerful lies are clothed in a hint of truth.

I defeat anxiety by utilizing the five practices below. My victorious moments come when I 1) prayer, 2) fighting the thought/emotions(refusing to give into rejection), 3) be kind to myself, 4) prioritize myself, and 5) speak life and God’s word over my life.

my top five practices to navigate change successfully

Show up. Everyday. Each day, I make significant time for Jesus- to pray, to listen, and to receive.
Matthew 6:33 is my way of life,“Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness…” In this space I cry, complain, laugh, and find my center in Him. And, as promised by Jesus and Paul, I see results. I experience fruits like joy and self-control, and my needs are met.
My major shift was making this practice- seeking Jesus everyday- a mandatory habit. Regardless of what I feel or what’s happening in my life, I make time for Jesus. I pray. I release. I listen. I receive. He is faithful to respond. He’s waiting to respond.
So, show up. Everyday. It’s not about a feeling or perfect circumstances. You’ll see progression after a week, month, six months, etc. You can’t behold Jesus and remain as you are.
Fight the fight. The way I see it, every time I let an evil thought or feeling take root in me, I set myself up for failure. Instead I must fight.
I love Paul. The more I walk with the Lord, the more is words satisfied my heart. In a letter to the Corinthians he wrote the magical words,“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” The depressing thought is how many thoughts I have in opposition to Jesus. (LOLOLOLOLOL, it’s not that bad.)
My business coach taught me how pain and trauma don’t mysteriously disappear. Pain unaddressed leads to fear and suffering. Therefore, whenever I sense my thoughts heading south, I stop my day and fight it. I refuse to allow pain or shame to make decisions for me.
Most of my shitty moments stem from insecurity. For these moments I have a series of questions I ask myself: Why do I feel this way? What if that’s not true? What else is possible? What is the truth? What does the Lord say? These questions enable me to disarm the thought or feeling and focus on truth. They also enable me to more forward through the morass.
Positive affirmation is the other way to fight the fight. I give greater details below.
Positive confession is real. Daily positive affirmation is an amazing path forward through all the lies and fears trying to dominate me.
Jesus told us our words are powerful. He promised we will move mountains with them. Add that to Paul’s exhortation to the Romans, “be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” we have practical way to fight. Since our words carry weight, let them shower grace and speak life. And bonus, we can speak life to ourselves.
Modern science confirms the weight of our words. Words literally change the expression of our genes. Positive words improve cognitive abilities, and negative words disrupt brain function. Stop for a second. Let what you just read sink in. The words you use toward yourself will literally improve or destroy your life.
I am still learning this lesson. After weeks of battling fear and anxiety, I started affirming myself, “Nik, you’re awesome. You’re special. You’re amazing.” After five minutes, I felt lighter, like a weight dropped off my back.
Start with the promises of the God- “I am loved (John 15:9), I am worthy (Ephesians 2:10), I am special (Exodus 14:14).” And keep speaking them over yourself. I have one of two reactions when I say “Nik, you are loved.” I either agree and feel joy. Or, I hesitate. When I hesitate I sit in it. I repeat it. “Nik, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved.” I keep going till I feel the release or start another affirmation.
Prioritize what’s important. I can’t do it all. I can’t appease everyone. I can’t be in two places at once. But, I do decide what’s important.
The biggest problem most of us face is deciding who and what we are about. We instinctively know every decision means the sacrifice of many alternatives. But it feels a lot less like sacrifice when know why you do what you do.
My decision to put Jesus first means I give up a significant portion of my day each day. It means I leave parties early, and get up early every morning. Now, the practice is a normal part of my life. Of course, I’m going to leave the party by 8 pm. It’s what I do.
I also prioritize this blog, my diet, and what I put into brain via my phone and TV. I believe in me. I love me. Accordingly, I must do for myself what no one else can do.
Be gracious toward yourself, and Love yourself. Change has painful moments. The great buffer between feeling like a failure and feeling secure is how I choose to love myself.
Jesus told us to love lots of people: God, our neighbors, our enemies, each other, and ourselves. Most of us get the first two- God and others- and we tend to neglect ourselves. We might treat ourselves on the weekend or take a moment to do something our heart loves, but day-to-day we ignore what we need. It is a sin to do so. Literally.
If you divide it into three parts- God, others, self- then it follows we need to pay as much attention and give as much grace to ourselves as we do to others. It means being forgiving, kind, understanding, patient, and persistent…with ourselves. It means serving ourselves.
Binge shopping, binge eating, drinking alcohol, smoking things, masturbating, even hanging out with friends are not self-care. Self love is doing what it takes to be our best self. It means being bold even if it looks silly. It means playing a guitar if no one listens, reading a book for fun, going for walks in the forest, whatever puts joy in our heart and feeds our soul. This is love.

Whenever I write a list I instantly think about what I left out. For now, I’m happy with what I wrote. Change aka Repentance is hard. It requires dedication, fight, repetition, sacrifice, and grace. It’s worth it. I can’t say where I’ll be in a year. It’s gonna be far different from anywhere I’ve been before. And if I can do it, you can do it.

Be bold. Be yourself. You are loved.

Nik Curfman 10/5/20 Nik Curfman 10/5/20

DJ: #79 The Patience of God

As I sum the totals of what I am walking into, it is radically different than what I knew. Faith is not blind. Love is not weak. And, Patience is not suffering. Patience is the place to experience the big joy and peace of Him. And the only way to let this work grow is by showing up. Patience doesn’t lose it’s cool when today falls apart. It knows tomorrow is coming, and God is good to those who follow Him.

**That tiny man bun took over a year to grow. But I’m proud of it. Life is not unlike that process.**

In my Christian bubble we pray for many things- money, healing, joy, peace, etc. Some of us take it a step further and ask for the Heart of God. (I have been know to ask God for His eyes.) Today, as I thought about the last two weeks, a new request entered my mind. Lord, give me Your patience. Sure, I (and probably you) have prayed for patience in a trying moment, one in which I just wanted relief. This is different.

As I climb the mountain of my calling, I begin to recognize the need for an entirely new set of skills and abilities. They will take time to develop and need mentoring. I’m not arrogant enough to think I can perfect myself. The patience I want isn’t an emotional painkiller, and it comes from a place of faith not desperation. It is a way of life, which I’ve had in spurts. Now is the time to integrate patience into all aspects of my life.

The Patience of God is built on His faith and vision, because He sees the end. Fear takes stock of only the moment and can’t see beyond its nose. Faith says there is a way, a future, and a purpose. Fear runs to hide and gives to take. Faith moves the mountain even when the mountain laughs at our prayer and mocks our dedication.

When I strip away all the bullshit and render it down to the basic elements, all Jesus asked us to do is show up. Show the f-ck up. Be present. Let Him do the work.

When we feel fantastic about life, when we feel like garbage about ourselves, when we make public mistakes, when we miss an opportunity to show grace, when we nail a presentation at work, when a client emails at 10 pm on a Sunday, when your roommate wants to watch weird cult documentaries, when everyone we love seem far away, and the walls walk toward us…who up.

When the lies seem true- laced with our failures and weakness, our bodies fail, and the sky fills with smoke…show up.

SHOW UP! PRAY! LISTEN!

Let Jesus work. Let Him love you. Let Him cover you and your broken heart. Let Him heal your confused mind. Let Him be your Savior. That’s His job. Cry, cuss, and spit if you need to, but show up.

We get so damn fixated on instant miracles we miss the glory of transformation. I am not who I was six months ago or a year ago. And the glory of God is evident in it. It’s a miracle all the same. His love is an absolute wonder.

I realize this blog took a turn, but I’m ok with it. I wrote the first part early in the day, and the latter after lunch. I’m tired of my fear and anxiety. And I will fight it by letting Jesus do the work. Patience and curiosity will always be weapons to defeat them.

This season in my life is truly a season of repentance. I use the word repentance in the Greek sense- a turning of thought, feeling, and action. I’ve turned from control and fear to Jesus. And He is renewing my mind and opening my heart. I didn’t see this coming, but I’m glad it’s happening all the same.

Nik Curfman 10/4/20 Nik Curfman 10/4/20

DJ: #78 When Scripture Hits Different

If you are reading this (Mom, Jess) the most important thing you can do is sit with Jesus. Everyday. That’s the most important thing. Not eating, not marriages, not jobs, not money. Jesus. That’s the thing.

You ever read the Bible and got excited about what you read? How about over a scripture you’ve read a thousand times before? I had that happen last night. (I’m so thankful this still happens.) I nearly jumped out of my seat when I read Philippians 4. Which I will now put into the New Nik Translation, verse 6-8, 11-13:

6 Don’t tolerate anxiety in your life. Be grateful! Take everything in your life- the big and small- to Jesus in prayer, don’t hold back or be dishonest.
7 Prayer is your life line, and in it you will find the mystic Peace we all desperately want. The Peace beyond human comprehension.
8 Also, whatever is honest and good, whatever is respectable and kind, whatever makes a place for justice, whatever is innocent as a child, whatever is full of grace, whatever inspires you to be your best self, dwell on it! (Stop filling your mind with bullshit.)
11 And…I finally learned, no matter what, I have enough, and I will have enough.
12 Whether my account overflows or I am overdrawn, whether I am surrounded by friends or sit alone, whatever the situation is, I found the key to every moment.
13 My strength is not from circumstances, but from the Him who gives me the power to endure each moment with grace and joy.

Maybe it’s because this is my life now- prayer, fighting anxiety, fighting bullshit, and finding peace in every moment- but these verses resonated like a kong in my soul. The key to this walk with Jesus isn’t saying or doing the “right thing” at all times. That is an endless hamster wheel of frustration. The key to walking with Jesus is…(wait for it)…walking with Jesus. Everyday.

I don’t know where it comes from, but the idea we receive a magical download from Jesus and all of our problems vanish is a dumb fantasy. It is quite clear though, in scripture, we have a way out of our problems. Jesus says it and Paul confirms Matthew 6:33, “Seek first.” It is a simple yet most overlooked command Jesus gave us.

I think we believe it (pursuing Jesus) is harder than it has to be. And maybe we have terrible expectations of grand visions and angelic visitations. (Years ago I went to a ministry school led by man who claimed such experiences. Many of the students expected the same.) Pursuing Jesus, and the best fruits of it, is an everyday thing. The changes happen in the doing, and can be undone.

Nik Curfman 10/3/20 Nik Curfman 10/3/20

DJ: #77 Looking Back Impedes Moving Forward

It is on me, a more seasoned and wise man, to develop the grace and humility to let them be immature. Immature is often a dirty word, but it doesn’t need be. We are all immature on one level or another, usually in multiple ways. It is the enemy who expects perfection, then condemns any other result as unworthy or unforgivable. But not the Lord, and as I aim to reflect to His loving kindness, I aim to be patient, tolerant, and kind.

This week I struggled with looking back, or rather, remembering people. For years, I wanted to save people from their mistakes and poor life choices. The desire served two divergent purposes. One, I genuinely love people. I want them to succeed and enjoy life. This is the best part of my heart. Two, my biggest hurdle is a need for validation. So often my attempts to love people were intertwined with my insecurities- secretly I wanted to be recognized while denying the need existed.

In July, the Lord asked me to love the people around me- my friends and family- the best I can. “The best I can” includes a healthy disconnect from each person. What I can add to a life is finite. I am not God or the Holy Spirit. I do not know what is best for anyone. Despite those limitations, I can love them and be a source of hope and grace.

Today, I finally unearthed my old demand for validation. I realized I wanted reassuring feedback from people who are struggling. What a bad setup. What a terrible burden to place on them. In all fairness, each of these people are growing and trying to figure life out. They will make mistakes and let me down. That’s life.

Paul asked the Ephesians to do as much:

I urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace: one body and one Spirit, as you were also called to the one hope of your call; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:1-6

It is my great honor to love the people around me, and receive from them whatever they have to give. I have the opportunity to watch them grow and walk in the fullness of their callings and personhood. (The greater honor is the latter. To watch someone become who they are is one of the great delights on my life.)

Nik Curfman 10/3/20 Nik Curfman 10/3/20

A: Come With Me

Nah. I can’t go back. I won’t. I left my fears on the porch, and they will rust there.

I know what I look like, wandering around out here in the fog.

I look silly.

Yes! You can come with me.

Please! Join me out here in the fog of the Great Unknown.

Yes, I understand. The house is comfortable. Very comfortable indeed.

But…it is also a place of idealism, judgment, and perpetual lack. Right?

Are you happy with that?

Nah. I can’t go back. I won’t. I left my fears on the porch, and they will rust there.

Yep. I know what I look like, wandering around out here in the gray fog.

I look silly.

But He is here too.

He uses a wonky walk to get me to laugh, and guides my steps

He’s given me faith, divine purpose, and grace.

So yeah, the Fog is now my home and my Shelter- my source of life and love.

And I?

I am the me I could never be, back at that old house.

Nik Curfman 10/2/20 Nik Curfman 10/2/20

DJ: #76 The Hype of Now

When I feel the waves of anxiety crashing into my existence, I fight it. I have to fight it. And victory arrives when I believe the Lord is not in the hype of the moment. Whatever my thoughts scream, they are wrong. My fate isn’t tied to a single moment of life. It isn’t tied to single person, job, or city. My life will always be linked to my daily decision to pursue the Kingdom.

The task of the Anxious Now is to push me to react, to the extreme. Anxiety is a bully, a bloated asshole. He lies while he accuses the Father of lies. His tactics never change, and he’s challenged everyone from Eve to Jesus to me. And yes, he comes for you. He is evil, and his only goal is steal, kill, or destroy.

His lies begin as whispers laced with truth. They sound like facts born of my history. That douche bag even sounds like me, “That’s not good. Did you see how they reacted? You know what’s next.”

It’s a thought so quick and easy to think, I barely notice. He plays on my insecurity. The thought dances on my need for acceptance and love, and subtly pushes my panic button. Quickly, I am in a hole. My emotions alert my soul, as tension builds in my veins.

What the fuck just happend?

Then my vision narrows. Only two options seem possible. Both of them are wrong. Both of them are based out of fear and need to escape the rising pressure- fight or flight. And the deadline is NOW. I NEED VALIDATION NOW! I NEED AN ANSWER NOW! But that’s not true.

Piss off bro.

(On occasion, Anxiety isn’t a total liar. We see the train coming and all we can do is let go. Get crushed.

Jesus did it, “Not my will, but your will be done.” Anxiety went to work on his greatest masterpiece only to suffer his greatest loss. Scripture doesn’t say it, but Jesus knew what was coming, all of Heaven and Earth knew it too. Evil wanted Jesus to run or fight or beg His way out. But Jesus did what the Messiah was called to do. He faced the cross and all the torture before it. For us, His prize.)

When I feel the waves of anxiety crashing into my existence, I fight it. I have to fight it. Victory arrives when I believe the Lord is not in the hype of the moment. Whatever my thoughts scream, they are wrong. My fate isn’t tied to a single moment of life. It isn’t tied to single person, job, or city. My life will always be linked to my daily decision to pursue the Kingdom.

Lord,

Thank you for being with me. Thank you for giving me tools to question Anxiety when it builds.