DJ: #75 Growing Stronger Often Feels Weak

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Earlier this week, in a shift of perspective, I saw myself as a badass. I’m 40, single, working part-time(ish), in debt, and overweight. And, yes. I’m a badass. While all of those circumstances of my life are factual- marital status, financial state, etc- they do not represent the truth of my life. They do not reflect my trajectory with Jesus.

I wrote several blogs the last few weeks, including yesterday’s, in which I detailed my struggles and strains. At times in September, I felt transported back to times when I didn’t challenge the visceral narrative in my head. I allowed thoughts to run down dark allies. Each time, I took time to let the feelings to run their course. I didn’t ignore myself in the name of adhering to an archetype in my heart. I am who I am, emotional and deep. Just typing those words makes me feel a bit douchy, but they are true.

This whole process reminds me of when I starting lifting weights in high school. It took weeks to make gains, but over time I noticed improvements. The experience did not stick with, until now, because I was too immature to appreciate my success. My weight-lifting coach was an egotistical dick, and I compared myself to stronger guys in the weight room. I never got to enjoy it.

Until now.

Now, I get it. Life is a process, and growth looks ugly. It’s ok that I have strong emotions, and I’m not a lesser man.

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A: Keep Fishing

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They struggled all night through the dark and frustration. How many times did they lower their nets only to pull them back empty? At what point did hope turn to doubt, and doubt to angst?

Isn’t life like that, full hopes vanish into empty nets?

With visions of a secure future, we lower our hopes into the deep. We know, without doubt, our prize is down there. And oh what a prize, the trophy meant to secure our future and settle our stature.

Once, twice, three times we pull the nets back, each turn a blow to out resolve. Our ego springs into action and buoys our sinking hope. We remind ourself ‘anything worth doing is hard’ and ‘and empty nets are part of the process.’

We shift out stance, change form, run the numbers in our minds, anything to justify our continued search for the elusive prize. Day churns into night, and the horizon to the East begins to lighten. Day is coming, and we are empty handed.

The new day brings only pain. They know we are out here, striving to find our reward. Public failure is the worst. It’s only human nature to back a winner, and we lost. The empty net is a failure resonating through out lives.

Even in this humiliation wisdom exists, when we let Him into the boat. Against our will, He asks for trust. Even more, He asks us- tired and weary- to go back out into the deep.

Here is the breaking point for most of us. When we are at our end, empty and exhausted, He asks for more, He asks us to have faith. It is a faith we don’t believe we have.

Out of shear deference to His request, we turn back to the sea. We lower our nets unaware of what is happening. This isn’t about prizes or fish, it’s about God showing us He’s God. Faith isn’t a feeling or super power, it’s in the doing.

Soon, we behold the harvest only possible in His presence- nets full beyond our ability to contain them. And this is where we begin our tale.

From faith we find He has a purpose meant just for us. Whatever we were will inform the higher destiny of what we become.

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DJ: #74 Stream of Conscious Thought

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All I really wanna do is everything and nothing. I wanna get my work done and do nothing. I wanna sit in a dark room and watch movies I’ve seen a dozen times, eat pizza and fall asleep until May. I also want to do none of that, because I know it’ll lead to shame and guilt and withdrawal. Something feels off, and I don’t know what it is. I’m making good choices. Despite my insecurity I continue to practice love and grace.

Regardless, I feel backed up. This month has been a continual roller-coaster of emotion and progress. I want to relent, to breath, and maybe relax. I long to let go of the future and the past. Lord, I just want to exist in this moment with You.

I pride myself on knowing my emotions, motivations, and desires. But today isn’t that day. I’m also becoming aware of several mental habits I have when I’m hurting. I look for someone to blame. I pick imaginary fights with people I feel justified fighting. It’s like I need to place on my pain on someone so I can battle it. Like it needs a face. If I feel attacked or belittled, I conjure a person who did those things and argue with them.

I have a deadline today and two meetings. I want to implode them all. So…I’m just going to take this one task at a time.

1) Finish this blog, edit, and publish.

2) Complete Project scope/timeline for customer.

3) Meet with Nic.

4) Go eat tacos with Nathan.

That’s what I’m gonna do because I don’t let my emotions determine my worth or choices.

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DJ: #73 Getting Busier

On our walk today I told the Lord about my fear of the future. The last three months, while difficult, were magical. I’ve grown and moved into new freedoms. I sloughed off my need for approval and affirmation (mostly.) And, I’ve embraced who I am and what’s important to my soul. I feel more alive at forty than I did at thirty. So despite all of the “failure” of 2020, I’m on a path to my greatness.

When I think about the coming future, I cringe. Thursday I start a new engagement, one that will require a good chunk of my time. Along with my increasing work for Cultre, my free time will soon be reduced to that of a normal person. (LOLOLOLOL. I know I’m spoiled.) I am genuinely concerned about being too busy to be healthy. I can’t go back to serving others while I starve myself.

In truth, I knew this was coming, the change. I need to increase my income, so I need the work. No doubt this increase in workload is a blessing. The question is, what do I do? Also, how do I navigate this new season? Now, I see the moment for what it is. It’s a perfect time to learn what to sacrifice and what to prioritize. I usually sacrifice me, and put everyone else first. Work, and by extension making money, has got to remain a secondary priority in my life. I think that means missing a deadline or pushing a meeting when I must.

I recently read the story of the Widow and the copper coins aka the Widow’s mite. Common teachings of this passage include cheerful giving, or deeper read by Jesus into the social reality of widows. (Widows were economically limited but also required to tithe to the Temple. It’s not unlike TV preachers promising miracles as they ask us to “Sow a seed of faith” to support their multi-million dollar organization.) Both of these common teachings miss the broader messages Jesus often repeated: give God everything.

Just ten verses earlier in Mark 12, Jesus quoted Deuteronomy 6 “Love the Lord God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.” Added to Jesus’ exhortation in Matthew 6 “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you,” I see a broader message forming.

The Widow gave what she had, and maybe out of obligation. But she also did it in faith. She- more than the others- put herself in the hands of the Father. The others gave out of excess. We still give out of excess. We pray and make time for Jesus when we find the time. It doesn’t cost us anything, not a sacrifice.

I don’t believe Jesus is asking for a sacrifice per se. I think what I lean into is the idea that Jesus must stay first always. Work cannot supplant Him again. Never again. I will let the work stuff sort itself out. I’ll be ok.

Your will be done Lord.

DJ: #72 CS Lewis Was Right

“It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing.”

- The Screwtape Letters, by CS Lewis

I felt insecure over the last week. It sucks. I have imaginary arguments with people I’ve long forgiven, and occasionally feel waves of sadness. I lack grace for others, and myself. And then I begin to seek validation in others, which is the f-cking worst. It is my familiar fight with self-pity, but it also feels like a new demon. Regardless, the tactics may change, but evil’s goal remains as it ever was- to separate me from Him.

Last night, as I sat with the Holy Spirit, I was pulled up to a place above the Earth. The Lord lifted my chin and said,”Look.” He didn’t need more words to explain the purpose of the moment. My head is down, and I am looking at myself. I am thinking about my future, the tasks ahead of me, and I feel overwhelmed. (As if He asked me to do any of it on my own.)

No. None of that is true. Moreover, it’s on Him. Whatever I am, and whatever I become, it’s about Him, not me. So Lord, here I am.

I lay down my sadness and burdens to bring about your Kingdom in my life. You are my God and Lover of my soul. If I die alone, if I never lose another pound, if I am always in debt, I will prayer and sing and wake up to walk with You.

Even the dreams in my heart are subject to You. I’d rather live in obscure poverty than live outside of Your holy tent.

Lord,Your will be done.

I am still learning how to be, and I will say “Grace to you Nik. Peace to you friend.”

Lord, I accept your grace and peace today. I accept joy. I accept wisdom, and foolishness. And I will sing this song. Amen.



A: My Morning Walks Are Not Routine

Routine, a fixed action, is nothing special. It is the slow drone of the flat but necessary functions of life.

To the outside judge, my predawn rise probably looks routine.

I shut off my alarm, make my bed, and dress for the weather. Not yet fully awake, I grab my water bottle and lace my dusty yellow sneakers.

Six or seven minutes later, I walk down a well worn path to a trail lined with oaks and the occasional Foothill Pine.

I require no headphones and desire no human companion on these morning walks, although I do enjoy the kindness of those I encounter.

Seems rather ordinary I suppose, to the outsider. Boring even. It is the downfall of the judge, never living, never knowing the fullness of life is in the doing.

What looks dull and unremarkable is anything but.

While I desire no human interaction, I am not alone. He is with me. And we talk. A lot.

In this space I find gratitude, peace, and the ability to move into the stillness of the unknown.

Further down the path, my mind becomes quiet. I listen to the robins tweet and squirrels shout warnings to one another as I pass.

I practice being present, and in it I am able to enjoy the subtle yet constant change of the natural world around me:

The death and resurrection of wild flowers.

The constant preparation of the squirrels for winter.

And the daily change of the time and path of the sun.

No. There is nothing routine in this dedication. Wonder is present in the daily progression of the seasons, and each season offers a new joy.

My body also bares the fruit of my labor, my legs slimmer, my waist thinner, and my mind clearer. Most especially, my heart is full of His glory.

I walk early each morning because I expect in faith to be met by Jesus. His arrival is no less spectacular, even though it is expected.

No one encountering God can call it boring. And is never routine.

DJ: #71 Why I Love California

I grew up in South Carolina. On a rare day, I miss it. I miss the summer thunder storms, endless country roads, and the Spanish moss hanging from the old live oaks. Charleston will always be one of my favorite cities. If I was gonna move back, that’s where I’d want to be. There isn’t another city like it in America, as it manages to progress while retaining its character. But…I just don’t see it happening- moving back to the South. For all of its faults and problems, I love California. It’s my home. And God willing, will remain my home.

A perfectly normal question to ask is why? Why does a man, who grew up in South Carolina, love California? For starters, my love of California is not a rebuke of South Carolina. I love South Carolina too, in the same manner one might love their college years. I have good memories, but it’s time to move on to the next thing.

Since we all love a good list, I’ve got my ten favorite things I love about California.

Top Ten Reasons I Love California

1. Very little snow. Believe it or not, South Carolina receives more snow than non-mountainous parts of California. In my six years I’ve only experienced a few random dusting. I love it.

2. Dry heat. I recently flew back East for my birthday, and the humidity knocked me down as I stepped off the plane. Early in the morning, late at night, it’s humid. It never stops.

   While summer temps in Redding sore well over 100°, mornings and evenings offer breaks from the heat of the day. I prefer 100° and dry over 85° and humid.

3. Outdoor culture. My life back East was dictated by sports schedules and indoor activities. Not so in northern California. It’s too beautiful to stay indoors, and people in Redding aren’t glued to their TVs.

4. The Redwoods. I stopped trying to describe the majesty of the Redwood Forests. You have to experience it for yourself. The overall natural beauty of the state is amazing as well.

5. Health conscience. California is one of the healthiest states in America, and it shows. People eat well and exercise more often. California is second in life expectancy for a reason.

6. The very real laid back culture. Whatever you think of California politics, the people here are very chill. No one takes time out of there day to belittle others. Cliques aren’t a thing, so it’s less tribal. In the South, everyone is part of a closed group. Everyone is roughly the same social-economic status, goes the same church, wears the same types of clothes, etc. In Redding, I have a very diverse group of friends and we all accept each other regardless of wealth, origin, or political beliefs. It’s wonderful.

7. The San Francisco food scene. As a foodie, I am blessed.

8. The Entrepreneurial spirit. Again, despite whatever stereotypes exist, the people of California love creativity and hard work. You gotta remember, this is the home of Levis, Apple, Tesla, and McKesson. (Government regulation makes innovation a necessity. The rest of America benefits.)

9. The Creative Spirit. Number 7 and 8 allude to this, but I wanted to give it its own place on the list. Because people are laid back, less confined by the norm, they are willing to try something new. Sure, this state is stocked with people who want routine, but the general threshold for something new is much higher than the rigid East.

10. Driving on any Interstate. Weird as it may seem, driving I-5 is very peaceful compared to anything back in the Carolinas. On my most recent visit to Charlotte the road rage was real. It’s stressful. For nearly a year, I drove in rush hour traffic in San Francisco, still not as stressful.

On a more serious note, California is where I became a man. It’s where I figured out who I am, and how to love myself. Life here isn’t easy, but worth it. No more wandering the desert for Nik. Perhaps whenever I get married or have an incredible offer I can’t refuse, I’ll leave. I hope not.

DJ: #70 Being Unique Sucks (Some Days)

Every woman I dated has said it. My business coach told me to embrace and celebrate it. I am unique and special, and it f-cking sucks.

First of all, in 2020, when we say something is “special” we usually mean the short bus kinda of special. And how many of us were trained to use words like unique to describe sh-tty art or horrid food instead of crushing the creators heart? I know I was. The words special and unique do not carry the positive, or affirming, weight they once did.

In case you were wondering, a dictionary definition of unique is something like “being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else” and special is “better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.” When I use these words, I intend to communicate something similar to this as defined above- unique is something rare, and special is better and different compared to the norm.

My experience as a unique and special man is that no one really gives a sh-t. Unique doesn’t mean valued. Special doesn’t mean desired. Most people want and value what they know. Most people are drones who takes cues from others. (Am I being bitter? Perhaps, but this is also true. Most people are not unique. They are shadows are something else, and they are quite content to be so.)

The truth now present in my mind is what I want people to communicate. I want people to communicate value. I know I’m special. I know I have a unique blend of talents, skills, abilities, and emotional depth. I do not need to be affirmed in this. I want to be valued, to be loved without qualification. I want people to fight for me damnit. (And some have. I’m not unaware of the friends and family who continue to love and support me no matter what. This is not a self-pity inspired rants.) What good is being special if it isn’t valued? Therein lies my biggest problem, my need to have my personhood affirmed by others. In this, I don’t think I’m special. I think most of us want to be affirmed without qualifiers.

This week, I’ve felt a lingering lack of self-worth. Not all the time, and not in huge waves. Regardless, I hate it. I feel gross and needy. I feel like I’m looking for to affirm my lack of value. How dumb is that? I’m happy I have this blog and people to lean on in this moment. I’m mostly grateful I have prayer. I will not sink into this any longer.

I am special. I am unique. I am worthy of love. I love myself. I am loved. I am valuable.

DJ: #69 Ask And You Shall Receive?

Jesus made a number of crazy claims and promises, but none more troubling than Mark 11:24. I’m wrestling with it today, and I desperately want to believe Him. And if I do, then what? What do I ask for, what’s my motivation, and does that even matter? (Oh…you need a reminder? I would too. I remember words, but rarely the book, chapter, and verse.) Let’s review, and I’ll add context by including verse 23 (New Nik Version):

“I am telling you, if any of you says to that mountain, “get your ass into the sea” without doubt, but you believe it will happen, it’s gonna happen. Keep what I say in your heart. Therefore, whatever you ask our Father in prayer, believe for it, hold it and continue on in faith, and you will receive it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:23-24 (NNV)

How many of us prayed prayers and watched them die, watched the opposite happen? I prayed all spring for a relationship only to watch it fall apart. When I step back, it was best. I needed to go on in my way with Jesus, and her in her way with Jesus. But still, couldn’t we have done it together? Perhaps. But we didn’t.

More to my point this morning, what do I do with this promise by Jesus? What I truly want is strong, confident woman to marry and adventure through life as a team. I want a woman in love with Jesus, and herself. And yet…my heart still had room for her. She is still learning and growing. More importantly, she doesn’t want me. It’s a real deal breaker. LOLOLOLOL (I’m truly laughing with joy as I type this. I want someone who wants me. It’s rule #1.)

Over the last month or so, I’ve felt a healthy and good disconnect from her. It needed to happen regardless of what the future holds. And then I read Mark 11. Do I pray for a generic woman, yet to surface on my radar? Or her? Do I sit in faith and hope? I don’t know. I don’t think there is a wrong answer.

Part of me just wants to move on. If I trust the Lord and if she comes back around in a romantic sense, do I need to pray for it? In this mindset I wouldn’t need to pray for anything. I think my issue is whatever ask for in prayer, I will put thought and emotion behind. And as I typed those words I know what to do. This is about trusting Jesus and not specific desires. The Lord has a plan and destiny for me, and that’s all I want.

Lord,

You know my desire for a strong and healthy relationship with a strong and healthy woman. I want a great family, full of love and joy, and peace. I ask you to prepare my heart and mind for the journey. Prepare her heart and mind for the journey. Surround both of us with community to watch over and guide us through the rough moments and pitfalls.

I open my heart for Your best for my life. I trust you Jesus. You know of my love and appreciation for her. And like I’ve done a thousand times this year, I give everything to you. I’m more interested in something glorious and beautiful in your sight, than my mine. Your loving will be done in my life and heart.

(Also, bless her today. Shower her with joy and peace and love.)

Amen.

A: Two Good Feet

I seen a lotta people tryna jump ‘round on one foot.

Up and down the sidewalk and out in the middle of the street, people hopin’.

Some people got a right leg they use, an’ others use the left.

They cranky tho’. Don’t they know they got two feet?

That ain’t nearly the most bizarre thang, these people hopin’ on one leg with a perfectly good one flappin’ loose.

Some people ain’t even doin’ that! Some people got two perfectly good feet, but they’d ratha’ crawl on their bellies.

They in the street, yellin’ and holler’in. Screamin’ at damn near everybody hopin’ pass.

Makes no sense. Why?

Don’t they kno’ they two good legs ‘ttached to two good feet?

“Use ya’ damn feet man!” I wanna scream. Poor wretches.

Makes me say grateful things to the Doctor. Cause then I sure’member. Me on my belly, then one the foot. It’s good I don’t fo’get.

Now I uses both my feet, and I walk with a stride. I’m faster than I ever was befoe.

When I was on my belly, I didn’t have love for an’one. Nope. Not a soul. On I crawled, mad at the worl’. I hated me.

After I met the Doctor, I got religion. An’ I tried to love people. But that hurts, all these people crawlin’ and hopin’ all over.

Sometimes I’d go see the Doctor. An’ He said if I kept showin’ up, I’d learn howda walk. But I had to hop first.

So I hopped. An’ hopped. An’ hopped. An’ I fell a bunch. The Doctor was good fo’ me when I saw Him, when I made time.

The more I tried to love people on dis’ one foot, more I fell.

Then one day I had e’nuff hopin’. I said Lord, what am I doin’ wrong? I’m so afraid, an’ ever’thang I try, I can’t do.

Bein’ a good Doctor, He swept me up in His big ‘ol arms. An’ He pointed at my other foot. “Time to learn to walk.”

“You have got to love you. No once else can do for you what I made for you alone to do for you.”

Just like that I put down that foot I never used befo’. ‘Twas shaky at first. Felt like tha’ groun’ was moving.

Now I walk mighty fine. I got that bal’ance- right, lef’, right, lef’.

Love Him, Love Me, Love Him, Love Me. An’now I can Love others.

No mo’ hopin’ and crawling, fallin’ and getting stuck‘n the mud.

DJ: #68 Instant Gratification Ain’t Love

I’ve chewed on this one for while, the difference love and gratification. I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to confusing the two concepts. I’ve treated myself to large plates of calorie laden food in the name of love, and smoked cigarettes to “calm down.” I’ve binge-watched Harry Potter(multiple times) and spent money on books I’ve never read because I “deserved it.” Like so many others, I believed what the ads and commercials told me. The keys to love and happiness are within my grasp if only I would indulge myself. Everybody else is binging Tiger King on Netflix, why not me?

The real irony is most of these activities- eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, etc- are perfectly fine on their own. I love Harry Potter*, great food, and finding a good deal on art supplies. I’m also the man who has watched the Secret Life of Walter Mitty at least twenty times this summer, at least. I’ll watch it again. However, none of this is how I love myself. These activities are meant to be space where joy can bloom, but are not joy of themselves.

Love isn’t in what we consume, rather Love is in what we engage, create, and connect. As we love ourselves, we drop judgment and the need for purpose. We exist in a moment for the sake of being in it. We write because our heart longs to express itself in words. We exercise because our bodies love to move. We remodel furniture because we find joy in redemption. We sit in His presence not to be transformed into the next great Christian minister, but because He’s our home and shelter. We do the things we need to do regardless of value to others. And the more we practice this highest form of self-love, the easier it becomes.

I can’t accurately describe the feeling I felt in May. It was as if someone dropped a stone in my soul. This stone was a complete understanding which united heart and mind to a common purpose. In May, I tried to keep a sinking relationship a float. I began to ignore my needs, and my health deteriorated. Similar to the previous August, my stomach began to spasm and hurt. Then, on the last Friday of the month, the last Friday of my relationship, I went home from work early to rest and allow my stomach to heal.

I sat on my couch and wept for hours. I knew my relationship was going to end soon. My business partnership was in tatters too. And now, my health was on the edge again. I cried out in exhaustion, and that’s when the stone settled in my soul:

I’ve got to take care of myself no matter what. Life will always have ups and downs. I can’t let circumstance dictate how I treat myself any more. I’ve got to eat well, get sleep, exercise, create, write, and pray. Always pray. I’m the best version of me when I sit with Jesus, and that’s the best way to love me. I can’t tear myself down for anyone else. No one was asking for that anyway.

There is a part of life meant for me to love myself. There is a part of my soul only I can love and care for. It was meant for me. No one else can do for me what I can and must do for myself. No one can exercise or pray for me. No one can write for me. No one can feed my soul like this.

And yet there is a place for others as well. It’s a beautiful balance He created.

The summer of 2020 has been about me and Jesus. I’ve spent all the free-time I have in pursuit of me, what’s in my heart to do. Yes, the beginning was difficult. I had to change my priorities…by making myself a priority. I put myself and my interests at the top of the list of “things to do.” I am no longer the last in line for my time and energy, and I start each day by going for walk with Jesus, which sets the tone everyday.

And now there’s more to my life than my buying habits. I do not look for consumption to fill my voids. I no longer burden Hulu or Amazon with the task of personal fulfillment. I do not expect my community to prop me up and define me. For the first time in my life, I love myself. I value me and my talents regardless of how valuable they are to others.

No. I’m not sure where any of this is going. I don’t care. I’d rather live content with who I am and what I’m about than worry about the future. I’d rather live my life in accordance to what gives me life than be numb to it.

I’ve written this blog today for myself and for you. For me, I want to remind myself of what is good, of His goodness. But for you I want to offer you a challenge and promise. For sixty days, sit with Jesus, intentionally, everyday. Be honest in your prayers. Make time to listen to His voice. And read the Gospels. (I read one chapter from one of the Gospels everyday.) Make it the priority of your life. Allow Him to show you how good He is. It’ll change your life.

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*I’ll fight any fellow Christian who wants to say Harry Potter is demonic. You have no idea what you’re talking about. In the final book/movie Harry is sacrificed and ends up in Kings Cross Station. He is then resurrected to defeat evil [and a giant snake]. It’s a damn allegory.

DJ: #67 My Life Ain’t Boring

I apologize for being a bit vague this morning. I’m going to describe a conversation without the juicier details; however, I likely will write about the details in the next few months- one way or another.

Last night one of my very best and oldest friends randomly texted me, “Have you ever thought about X?” (X is a thing, not a person.) I responded I had thought about X, but jokingly. X seems like it could be fun, worth doing. This friend gave me some encouragement and left it at that.

Early today, I thought about X. At the earliest, it’s a year away. As I thought about September 2021, my mind spun a bit. “A lot can change in year,” I admitted to myself. Then I thought back to September of 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, and beyond. In each of those years my life was substantially different than the previous year.

September 2019: I owned a small share of a BBQ company, recently recovered from a mystery stomach illness, and generally thought my life was about to take off.

September 2018: I moved to San Francisco to pursue a career in technology. I spent the last few years in Redding a drift and thought it was a good move.

September 2017: I shut down my pop-up Cafe Prohibition and focused on contract work in marketing and project management. 2017 was my hardest year to California. I battled depression and suicide most of the summer.

September 2016: I started my pop-up, Cafe Prohibition. I left a tech sales job that August, because I knew sales and the associated grind would never be my thing. I wanted something different for my life. On a personal level I was still reeling from a break-up. I exercised to extreme levels, and lost no weight. The shame was overwhelming.

September 2015: I worked for a non-profit as a communication manager. And I started a juice fast after I watched the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. During this time I also connected with the Lord in powerful way. I was in a similar place to where I am now. I put myself in His hands everyday. My wisdom now is to stay in this place. I’m never leaving.

September 2014: Recently promoted, I worked hard to prove myself at my first tech job. My life looked up even though I hated the job. I trusted the Lord and did my best.

September 2013: This might be one of the 3-4 rock bottom moments of my life. I was submerged in shame and absolutely hated my job. I hated myself as I sold fresh fish over the phone. Management/ownership was, without question, the worst group of men I have ever worked for.

I can go on, but I’ll stop here. Over this time frame I’ve held nine different jobs, received mail at ten different addresses, and lived with twelve roommates. As you can see, almost every year from one September to the next, my life has changed in dramatic fashion. I have not held the same profession for more than a year. (To be fair to myself, I’ve hustled in marketing dating back to 2015. It just wasn’t my main gig like it is now.) If I pursue X as mentioned above, the trend would continue, more change and new people.

There is something to be said for stability, and I assume one year of my life will be like the one before. But, I’m ok with how the last seven years unfolded. Our Father is great. In every single one of these years, I can now clearly see Him at work. Nothing was wasted. And it ain’t boring.

I admit my biggest concern, if that’s the right word, is what others will think if I pursue X. Automatically I know I shouldn’t care what others will think. I confess such thoughts to expose them. How silly it is we should allow the opinions of others is influence our decisions.

I’m so thankful I’ve spent the last seven years taking risks. It’s made me resilient and unafraid to fail. I think the decision is already made.