A: Death, A Sweet Friend

We fight rage and battle, ultimately to fail. Run, hide, punch, scream, none of it matters.

He arrives on time, taking what He came for. Death. The thief of life. 

But what if Death is our friend, not our sacred enemy?

Death leaves gifts we need but open. In the space where life was He always leaves what will be. What could be. But being flawed, being beings in need of order and shelter, we try to hide from His blessings. 

We build towering monuments to our pain. Swear by our lives to never visit Death’s gate again. As if we have the ability to control Him. 

No, Death is not the enemy. When a bright hour is gone, a loved one in decay, and a hope smashed into shards of grief, Death’s purpose is to carry it away. The remains of what was, to clear our ground for new life. For new hopes and dreams, and stages for joy and peace. 

DJ: #50 A New Routine

This morning I woke up to an email from a client. An ad I created for their business was rejected by Facebook for violating the “Personal Attribute Policy.” After nearly an hour of wrangling, the ad is still in review as of this post. Facebook has tightened their controls to a ridiculous degree, and it is affecting small businesses. They are literally dictating the wording I use…for a local gardening business. A garden business. People trying to help the community get the most out of their home gardens. 

Stupid. 

I was annoyed. I’m just a man trying to help his clients grow and create business. And, like it or not, Facebook has become an integral part of small business growth. I don’t like it. Facebook can make decisions, like a government, and the rest of us have to adjust. It is what is. 

I say I was annoyed, because after wrestling with the beast, I chose a different path. I got up, walked outside, and let my frustration out into the wind. The wind can have it. I don’t need or want it. I can’t control Facebook, and I’m doing the best I can. It is what it is. No need to carry it around all day. 

In the past, I was tripped and defeated by moments like this. A tiny hurdle could send me into a spiral of self-doubt. Not today Satan. 

I haven’t failed, and my life isn’t tied to the moment. This simple change in perspective is powerful. I’m not angry or worried about my future. I’m not worried about the client, partially because I know everything and everyone is going to be OK. My future doesn’t hinge on a single event. 

Thank you Lord for sticking with me. For teaching me to let go. Thank you for giving me vision for how to love myself when the winds howl in my face. Even to giggle at their failure. 

DJ: #49 Moving On, In Hope

It was the disconnect I wanted and needed ever since May 31st. Last night, I finally let her go. I finally released what was, and settled into the truth of my existence. I trust Jesus. This trust, a hope, empowers me to believe the best is ahead, not behind. 

I feel a bit like Abraham, laying my promise on the altar to be sacrificed. Thankfully, I know about Abraham, and Esther, and Job, and Jesus, and Paul. The promises of God are better than what we can imagine. He provides a way when we let Him work. 

Overall, I’m relieved to create a space for pure friendship with her. No expectations. No personal hopes. Something new for both of us. And if something were to develop, I wouldn’t shoot it down. But I am not going back to what we had. It was special and sweet, and incredibly flawed. Neither of us lived from our hearts. I ignored myself and got sick. But…also, some really powerful seeds sprouted too. So who knows what could happen? 

She remains, and probably will always be, one of the best people I’ll ever know. I have nothing but gratitude for her. Even now. She carries the room to a higher place, has little tolerance for cynicism, and desperately longs to walk in the love and grace of the Holy Spirit. She does all that without being condescending or weird. (And yes, she is flawed. A gift I gave myself when I first met her was I never idealized her. But her greatness will always outweigh her weaknesses.) I could go on and on about what I like about this woman, obviously. Her awesomeness was not dependent on my opinion(or anyone’s opinion, or her opinion), it’s inherent in who she is. 

As of today and onward, my faith roots are growing deeper in the Lord. She set a new standard for what I expect from a girlfriend in my life, and my expectations are higher for the future, from who ever I date and from myself. It feels good to know I’m not going backwards. I’m not laying something down to settle for less. God is so good. 

A: He Remained

Every blow I absorbed, each crash to the ground, and all the hoards...did not take me down. I thought they would. But looking for reasons why, I agonized over each calamity and judged myself (a creation of the King) to be unworthy. Why else would life punch, push, and fight me? Try to murder me? 

Answer, life did not value me. This world and all of its cruel routines did not want me. My heart slunk back into a deep musty hole. We settled for a half life. In fear we longed to be loved, to be needed. In fear we stayed in its depression. I was worthless.

Yet always and without relent, He remained. Dark day and endless night, He kept watch. Through stinging rain and ripping wind, He stood unmoved. Through depression and suicide, addiction and late night porn binges, He waited. Through self-sabotaging pride and aimless dreaming, He lingered still. Through profane curses, annoying grumbles, cynical rants, and disbelief, He patiently sat outside my prison for me.

Despite my attempts to block Him out, to believe I was not worth His effort- nothing I did, nothing I said, no thought I beheld- sent Him away. And in the waiting He proved Himself true. What the world thinks, whatever it believes about me, however it decides to treat me, I AM WORTHY OF THE KING.   

DJ: #48 Old Friends

Yesterday was the day after my birthday. Forty years of life, plus one day. In the evening, I went to Freedom Park in Charlotte to meet up with some old friends: a sound engineer, a singer/song writer, a screen writer/director, and a producer. We sat on the grass across from the amphitheater and talked like old friends do as the daylight dwindled. It was as if no time or distance separated us from one another. We spent hours going over our thoughts on the coming election, COVID-19, and our families. My heart was full and grateful being in the moment. 

Upon reflection, one thing was missing, one old friend: my insecurity. Usually, in any similar setting, I am consumed by the overwhelming need to prove myself, to prove I’ve got my shit together. Last night I was content to listen, content to be between career paths, and content to speak confidently when asked a question. 

This morning, I felt loved. Like truly loved. And it is a healthy feeling. I say healthy because I’m not chasing an emotional high. In fact, I never really felt an emotional high. All the same, today I realized those guys, men I’ve known for 20 years, never gave a shit about what I did for work or my social status. 

Here is the straight truth: I cared about my social status. I cared about my job, my relationship status, my waistline, and social standing. So I projected my insecurity onto them. Conversely, I couldn’t receive what they gave because I didn’t trust it. How can anyone value me? I’m a piece of shit. I believed they were either fooled or trying to con me. If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t be this way, or what are you trying to get from me?

God is good folks. He cares about the way we see ourselves. He patiently walked with me for the last twenty years to get me to this point, the point where I’m not an insecure emotional wreck. It feels good to fully let go of judgement and comparison, to focus on being Nik- a man with nothing to prove. 

Lord, thanks for my friends. My true friends. Thank you for their love and kindness through the years. Bless them and their wives, and families. Pour out your love and grace on their hearts. Draw them closer to your center. 

Amen.

DJ: #47 Forty Year Old Wisdom

If you ever wonder, does life get better as you age? My answer is yes. If you chase after it. Even with some recent disappointments, I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone else. I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived, as I’ve lived it. The desire to “go back and fix” our past is useless. All we can do is embrace the movement forward. Willingly or unwillingly, life will move on.

For my small band of readers, I want to offer the little wisdom I have. And because wisdom is eternal, none of it is new or original. Still, what I have I give to you.

1. Jesus is real. The actual God of the Universe and beyond walked this earth, breathed our air, and burned under the same sun we do. He is our Light and our Exemplar. His love is genuine and everlasting. And He is always available, ready to connect.

2. Let your meat rest after you cook it. Can’t stress this enough. Regardless of animal or cut, let your meat rest for a minimum of five minutes, ideally ten, before you cut into it. For big roasts and whole chickens, more like fifteen to twenty minutes.

3. Self-pity is not a virtue. With a truck-ton of experience to back me up on this, “feeling sorry for yourself” will accomplish zero in your life. I do not lack empathy for anyone, especially when life stacks up losses. The people I admire are the people who fight on and can laugh in the face of life’s bullshit.

4. Similar to the last: Being a victim is not a choice, staying a victim is. Rain is going to fall on you. Relationships will collapse, hopes will burn to ruin, and shame will come calling. So what? You are not your failures. Do not allow your pain to define you or drag you into shame.

5. Don’t let perfect defeat good. Perfect doesn’t exist. Don’t idealize jobs, institutions, leaders, people, or places. Once your stare hard enough you’ll see the cracks, and you’ll only have yourself to blame for having put the pedestal in place.

6. You are not alone. Depression and anxiety whisper “you’re stuck and alone.” That’s bullshit. You are a human. And whatever problems you face, others have faced. They were not special. You are not the exception. You can defeat the dragon.

7. Fight the dragon before it eats you. If you know you’re holding onto fear, or anger, or whatever, GO AFTER THAT SONOFABITCH! Don’t wait for your worries to run your life, because they will.

8. If you don’t like you, no amount of love will be enough. My search for self-affection took a long time. I set the final pieces in place this year, and it’s fantastic. Compliments mean far less than they ever did. So wild how that works.

9. Exercise. Everyday. A walk in nature is best. Not joking. Read this study, and this study, and this study.

10. Chill out. You’re gonna be ok. Start by telling yourself, “I’m gonna be ok” over and over.

11. The Christian walk is about way more than avoiding sin and constant self improvement. Walking with Jesus is an honor of joy. Creating room for Jesus to be Jesus ultimately leads to everything good and satisfying in life. Cut yourself some slack, and breath when the weight feels heavy.

12. Pray. All the time. About Everything. Yes. Jesus is one-hundred percent interested in every detail of your life- your gassy lunch, that dude at work, politics, everything. Which leads to…

13. Be honest in prayer. If you’re feeling disconnected, pissed-off, happy, horny, sad, tired, sleepy, jacked, overwhelmed, busy, lazy, unappreciated, overstimulated, unworthy, peaceful, thankful…etc, start there. I can’t stress enough how much the Lord needs us to be honest when we pray, mostly for us. The Father does not want to hear what we think we should say. Talk about what’s real in your life. Once or twice a week I start with, “Lord, I’m feeling sorry for myself.” Within a few minutes I am no longer mired in self-pity.

14. Show up everyday, do something buried in your heart to do. Your heart, my heart, and your mom’s heart have something in them we want to do. A longing. We ache and sour when that thing is ignored and belittled. Let your heart breath and grow.

15. Drink more water.

16. Eat more veggies. As American’s, we don’t do veggies really well. Also, we think corn is vegetable. It is not. If you need help, look to Asia or Europe for ideas. YouTube is a great resource to learn how to cook greens or eggplant or cauliflower.

17. Stop watching bullshit. Stop listening to bullshit. Stop reading bullshit. Whatever we put into our soul influences how we see the world and interpret life. I love Elliott Smith’s music, but it’s depressing AF. Dude had a rough life, so I can’t listen to it.

18. You will always find a reason to do something…or not do that thing. This is from my dad, but it’s true. We humans are quite amazing at finding ways to motivate or defeat ourselves.

19. You will always encounter resistance when it comes to anything worth doing. Start a business? Get into a new relationship? Change careers? The promise of something good eventually gives way to the path of its realization, which is difficult for every worth while venture. KEEP GOING.

20. Laugh. A lot. At dumb things. Our 21st century worship of the intellect is a damn travesty. It sucks the joy and wonder from the world far too often. Let yourself find joy in the silly and unexpected.

21. You can’t carry the world on your shoulders. I’ve tried. Many have tried. You are the rule, as we were. Let it go.

22. When you need to know what side the gas tank is, look at the gas gauge. Every car has an arrow on the gas gauge, and that gas gauge points to the side of the gas cap, right or left.

23. Butter, salt and pepper, and a touch of vinegar will make nearly anything taste better. Fat, acid, salt. I think that’s book. I’m not sure, but it’s basic Food Theory 101.

24. Quit trying to be an expert. True expertise requires years of dedication and intent. If you haven’t spent years intentionally engaged in something, lower your expectations. Be kind to yourself.

25. Talent is real, but it means nothing without dedication and persistence. Success is about endurance and grit. Ever see someone doing something and think “I could do that.” The truth is you probably could, but do you have their endurance?

26. Discounts are great, but not on the following items: Knives. Tattoos. Seafood. Contractors. Mattresses. Lawyers.

27. Be disciplined, not controlled. Discipline is how we decided to respond to life. Control is how we try to get others to respond to life.

28. Challenge the narrative in your head. When we get anxious or stressed, we usually only see two choices: the ideal we want or the certain disaster. I love to ask myself “What if that’s not true? What else is possible?”

29. Speak life and you will have it. Listen to your thoughts and the words you speak. Are you speaking life to yourself? To others? Cynicism is the shield of the afraid and downtrodden. Pick your head up. Speak life over yourself, and don’t stop till you position your heart toward heaven.

30. Cultivate gratitude. Every single person has something to be grateful for. And most of us are lucky enough to have many blessings. Take time to recognize it in your life. Every, damn, day.

31. Judgment and comparison are thieves of life. If you find yourself in a position of constant judgment of others, or comparing your life to others…that’s your problem. It’s an act of self-protection. Take your ass on to Jesus and work through it.

32. Lard makes a superior buttermilk biscuit. I’ve tried shortening and butter. But lard makes a far superior biscuit.

33. Carbs are not evil, but too many carbs will make you fat. Enjoy your breads, potatoes, and rice noodles. Just make sure you eat your veggies and drink plenty of water.

34. Wild animals are…wild…animals. You should expect a wild animal to act like a wild animal no matter how cute or tame they may appear.

35. Procrastination is overhyped. I work better under the gun of a deadline. And I love the energy I get from knowing I’ve got to get a project finished. Besides, even if I’m not working on a project, I am thinking about it.

36. Trust the Lord with your life. I amaze myself how often I tried to make something work, failed, and yet I’m ok. I’m where I need to be, headed toward the place I need to be. At 40, I trust the Lord.

37. Love the Lord with all you heart, all your soul, and all your mind. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward the Lord. I’ve walked with the Lord for 20 years. It’s a real relationship. And loving Jesus is the best decision I’ve ever made, and continue to make.

38. Love your neighbors. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward your neighbors. Jesus never said it would be easy.

39. Love your enemies. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest toward your enemies. Only love can change an enemy into a friend.

40. Love yourself. Be patient, kind, long-suffering, forward-moving, enduring, hoping, faithing, forgiving, gracious, persistent, and honest with yourself. If you don’t love you, you will not believe anyone else can love you.

DJ: #46, Redemption is Sweet

Yesterday I was a bit overwhelmed. Some of it was exhaustion and some of it is being back in the South. In review, I think I had a momentary anxiety attack, but I battled back. Having an anxiety attack is life. They happen. What I will not do is live in a state of anxiety. Anxiety is only the manifestation of something, and whatever that something is, I will face and fight. Every time. 

This morning I woke up with a question. How do I be myself in this place? How do I thrive here? It’s an important question because being the South is usually a white-knuckle emotional hell. I try to hang on till I land back in California. The odd thing is my parents, family, and friends are great. Truly. It’s not like a have a ton of awful memories from recent visits. 

My snag is my life, my past, when I was a Southerner. I associate the South with a painful past, one filled with humiliation, death, rejection, self-inflicted addictions, horrid life choices, and buckets of shame. Add to it, how much I’ve changed. I am not the same cynical sad sack I was ten years ago. I am a man, a grown ass confident man. Yet, the South in my view is largely still the South. I feel transported back to my shitty past when I step off the plane and the humidity kisses my face, “Welcome back old friend, remember when that person embarrassed you? You’re still not good enough.” 

Back to this morning. 

The question I asked myself- how do I be myself in the place?- was a product of a choice I made. I can no longer act helpless every time I come for a visit. I want to enjoy my time here. So I choose to enjoy my time here. I’m gonna get the most out it. 

The obvious answer to the question is be me. Be the same Nik I am in California. Go for walks. Spend time with Jesus. Refuse to enter into cynical conversations and look for joy where ever it can be found. Most of all, be vulnerable, laugh, and love.

Long walks or hikes are a daily thing in my life. I consider them essential. And in order to be me, I chose to go for a hike in a South Carolina state park near my parents house. As a kid I visited this park few days a year and usually stuck to the playground and sheltered areas. I didn’t think to explore the rest of the park. Today was different. 

Today I decided to hike the three and a half mile loop around the perimeter of the park (it’s a small park as most East Coast state parks tend to be.) At the start I was still battling cynicism. The trail head and first half mile were what I expected from a walk in the woods in the Sandhills, lots of loblolly pines and sand. Yes, sand. No. We are not near a beach, unless you consider 113 miles near. I’m not a fan of the sand or the pines. Pine tree forest are known as ecological desert compared to broad leaf hardwood forests. This is the South Carolina I know.

But, onward I went.

Quickly the landscape began to change. The pines thinned out. Streams and creeks began to appear on both sides of the trail. And beautiful oaks, tupelos, and hickories dominated the forest. It was beautiful, and a completely new experience in an old, familiar place. It was a new kind of redemption and I wanted more. 

My prayer took a turn toward Columbia, and the South in general. (How much f-cking pain can a person store? LOLOLOL) I began to release all the sorrow and wounds still haunting me. I let go of it all. After some tears and some laughs, I looked up. What I could see somehow looked completely different. The colors of the landscape were vivid. The air was lighter. Even the pines and sand were no longer drab. 

That’s the redemption power of Jesus folks. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is beyond redemption and restoration. It’s sweet. 

DJ: #45 Tired and Raw.

“You look awesome,” she said. “You seem like a completely different person,” she continued. With a smile on her face and tears in eyes, my mother landed one final blow,”It’s great to see you.” I could barely hold on to my emotions and strained to finish lunch. 

I traveled more than three thousand miles in under ten hours to surprise my parents with a visit. The trip included a two hour drive to an airport, two flights, and a rental car. The last hour I felt my excitement rise the closer I got to their house. I love my parents and consider myself lucky to have a healthy relationship with both. I couldn’t wait to hug them and be face to face, no technology necessary. 

All I wanted was to melt into their world for a few days. Enjoy them, and my east coast friends. But as my mother spoke her words of affirmation, I could only think of one person. Why? Why now? Frustration began to complicate the moment. I quickly left the table to take a shower, to rinse the jet fumes and shame down the drain. 

For a brief moment, I felt as though was I back to a former being. But that’s not true. Today I was able to distance myself from the sadness without condemnation. I am not weak. I am not stuck. I am not a sad sack.

I AM STRONG. I CHOOSE TO LOVE AND LIVE FROM MY HEART. I ACCEPT SADNESS AND PAIN AS PART OF LIFE. JESUS HAS HEART IN HIS HANDS AND NOTHING WILL SEPARATE ME FROM HIS LOVE. AND I LOVE ME!

So yeah, for a few minutes I felt like shit, and then felt like more shit for feeling like shit. But I’m not shit. 

I’m amazing. I was amazing then, and I’m amazing now. I’ll be amazing tomorrow. And hopefully with a good night of sleep. 

Holy Spirit, I accept your will for my life today. I accept your peace and your grace and your joy. (ha! just typing the word!) I lay down my hurt and my sadness. I lay down my defenses. I let the waves pass over me. You are the breath in my lungs and the blood in my veins. I love you now and forever. 

Amen. 

A: Two Paths in the Desert

Two paths diverged in the California high desert,
And tired of trying to travel both
And be one traveler, far too long I stood
And looked down the way I knew
To where my efforts faded to ash, and my soul broke;

Then I took the other, without pause,
And fearing what lie ahead, but undeterred,
Because it was steep and want for wear;
Though as for that the passing there
I knew I’d never be the same,

And both lay as ever that Sunday morning,
Ready to be worn to black.
Oh, I left the first, never to return.
And knowing now how Way leads on to Way,
I know I will never turn back.

I shall be yelling this with boldness
Everywhere for ages and ages hence:
My roads diverged in the desert and I—
I took the Way less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Yes, this is a redux the famous Robert Frost poem “The Road Not Taken.” 

DJ: #44 Slipping into the Sacred

I did not expect for the process of writing poems to produce such a stir in my heart. Two days ago I wrote about my fears in relation to writing, specifically poetry. Unpredictably, it led to facing my arrogance and pride. Yesterday, I wrote about the death of my Uncle Todd and the impact it made on three year-old me. It ruined my day a bit. In a good way.

By the time I was ten, death was a normal part of life. I attended so many funerals they lost any personal sting. By twenty, I stopped going to death related ceremonies altogether. Why? Because of the pain on display.  The dead person didn’t bother me as much as the anguish of the living people mourning the deceased. Perfect example, my aforementioned Uncle Todd. I didn’t know him, can’t ever remember meeting him. My pain was for my father*. And yesterday was the first time I addressed the subject with the Lord. 

As I wrote my poem yesterday, I didn’t know where or how it would end. I examined the usual desire to go back and fix it, which is a hopeless position to take. It’s like being on the other side of soundproof glass. We can bang and pound, scream and holler. No one is listening. So I waited. Lord, help. And then, on cue, I saw the end. 

In my mind was three year-old me, and I asked, “what would that little boy tell me?” Unexpectedly, the little boy looked directly into my eyes and smiled. Then he repeated back to me everything I wanted to tell him. 

It was a powerful moment as I sat in my office chair, head buried in my hands, sobbing. I felt something drop off my mind, a weight I didn’t know was there. It’s very possible whatever took place is deeper than I realize. 

For starters, I have no idea what it’s like to live life without thinking of others first, their well being, their happiness. I’m not trying to get away from it either. Part of a balanced life and walk with Jesus is loving my family, friends, community, neighbors, and enemies. The burden has always been the need to fix other people’s pain. I slung that yoke over my shoulder at three years of age, and never let it go. Until recently. There’s a Great force at work.

If you read this blog, you will read about my journey further into the center of God, but now I feel as though I’m being drawn into it. I suppose I could stop the momentum, jump off the tracks. But why would I? All of the weight of expectations is gone. The need for perfection? Destroyed. Having a grand plan for the future? Yeah, f-ck that. 

My biggest problem now is being present, being me in the moment. I still find I drift into the future, where everything is awesome.  I know the trap all too well, escape into the future to avoid the present. Thing is, I’m not trying to escape the present. Drifting into the future is an old practice. Some old practices take time to whither and die. I now have more grace for myself than ever. I no longer see a need to constantly criticize my actions or get worked up over mistakes.

Every day I wake up and choose Jesus is a day I walk away from all I was. It’s scary and exhilarating. Each day I notice a part of me die a little more. One salient example is my desire to smoke weed. I haven’t smoke in ages, yet I’ve maintained I probably would, in the future. This month I observed a shift in my attitude toward puffing the green dragon. I no longer have a desire for it or be around it. Where did that come from? Not sure. I can’t say what’s changed, I just know something changed**. 

I am separating from what I was. 

The internet is not in agreement on how to define the word sacred, so I came up with my own: devoted and separated into the Lord. It’s what I feel is happening to me. Day-to-day, in the moment, life is slow and unyielding. But when I step back, sit on the mountain with Him, I can see my steps took a sharp turn up the path. The only way up the path is through determined devotion, and it is not part of the main stream. Even in the Christian world. 

*I’d say I’ve only truly grieved the death of three or four people, on a personal level. As deep a thinker and feeler as I am, the certainty of death is never something I put to God. Which I’d like to explore at another time. 

**I have absolutely no qualms with anyone using marijuana. Zero. (It needed to be said.) 

A: Three Years, Old

I was three years-old. I did what three year-olds do on a quiet Thursday afternoon, sat on my bedroom floor and pushed matchbox cars through the beige carpet. I enjoyed the mostly empty house and the unsupervised alone time. 

The peace was shattered when the phone rang. It rang just once, and I heard the muffled voice of my father answer. Unaware of the life changing moment about to unravel, I continued to be a three years-old. 

I’ll never forget the light through my bedroom window that day. It was early evening soft. The kind when the sun hangs low in the sky and shadows are long. I’ll never forget my room. It was clean, or as clean as a room will be when shared by two brothers. Beds made. Clothes hung neatly in the closest. Life seemed to be in order. 

Two ticks later, my father exploded into my room. Tears flowed down his red face, snot dribbled from his nose, and streaks of saliva connected his lips as he weeped. Forever frozen in time is my father, my broken, grieving father, and the words he whispered as he scooped me up from the floor, “Uncle Todd is dead.” 

Instantly, matchbox cars were unimportant. Being three years-old was irrelevant. My immediate mission, my new calling, was to console my father. More than that, to heal him. But how? 

It was the first time I felt old and hopeless. I was done being a three years-old. 

I desperately long to go back to April 19th, 1984. I want warn that boy, to tell him awful shit is going to happen in life. He’s not called to be a super hero. Be a kid Nik! Be content to play on the floor, to take pleasure in simple moments! Your dad never intended to transfer his grief to you. He never asked you to carry his sorrow. 

Thirty-six years later, I still want to fix it. I want my uncle to live and my father to have his brother. What a creative miracle it would be. 

Today, I closed my eyes, and I saw him. That three year-old. I smiled at him, and he waved me closer. I walked closer and he held up his arms. As I picked him up he whispered, “awful shit is going to happen. Your calling is not to fix humanity. Be childlike. Be content to make messes on the floor. Find joy where ever you are. Our Father never intended any grief to transfer to you. He never asked you to carry anyone’s sorrow.

It’s time. Let go.”

DJ: #43 Introducing King Douche

I wrote and posted my first poem yesterday. For about an hour yesterday, I felt like I was on top of my world. I was confident and proud. Doubt and insecurity were suddenly absent. Everything was possible. In the aftermath, I rode a wave of self-praise. I felt as though I could do this (Be a writer), if I stick to it. It’s only a matter of time…Matter of time before what? Eh bud, finish the sentence. Before what? Before my genius is recognized. 

And there it is. The confidence wasn’t in what I did, it was in the projection of future acclaim. And what I felt was a fake confidence, the breed I am desperately fighting at every turn. Even more alarming was the immediate air of superiority I sensed, like I’m a gift to humanity. 

Hello King Douche. WTF? How did I go from an insecure puddle of doubt to an arrogant prick?  

I cannot remember the exact wording to the axiom, but it goes something like: in life, there’s a ditch on either side of the road. The reality is both the insecurity and arrogance are expressions of my base need for recognition. Insecurity is focused on the present and feeding the fear beast. My arrogance is focused on the future and the coming rewards for my brilliance. 

The actual road is humility before the Lord my God. I am nothing without Him. Nothing good. The best of me is rooted in Him, but I struggle to stay present some days. Some days I look back at the past and let it define me, and yesterday I looked to the future and allowed myself to accept imagined praise. 

I am tired of being insecure and full of doubts, but I really don’t want to be as ass either. I want to be present and humble. I want to love people and encourage them to be who they are and embrace the fullness of Jesus. 

What if the only people I reach are my friends, maybe 30-40 people? What if all this living from the heart stuff and being who I am leads to nothing grand? Am I ok with being unknown and unfollowed? Of being one of the guys? 

Yes. Yes, I am. If all my work and toil impacts the people around me, it is worth it. Even more, I will encourage my future wife and children in such a manner, and my grandchildren. I will be the link in the chain from one generation to the next.  I will serve my community by being who I am. 

I have no idea what lies ahead. My current priorities are to hold the hand of the Lord, and be who I am. Where it leads is up to Him. He’s leading, and I will follow.