Yes. Love is a Political Stance.

“Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.” John 13:34-35

I spent a lot of my life in church. And in church, I heard about my sin, my shame, and the inevitable uselessness of my effort to do anything good. How often the words “amazing grace! How sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me” churned through my mind. And not in a good way. Jesus died because I was a sinner. I put him up on that cross. I had to accept this fact, pledge alliance to the evangelical doctrine, and put my money in the plate. The southern Gospel in summation. 

For a young southern evangelical the only path in life is creating more evangelical believers. This is what life is. Accept Jesus as Lord and savior, then convince more people to accept Him Lord and savior. Everything else is a waste. How dare you enjoy life, or refuse to live in constant state of tension with non-believers? Don’t they know they’re going to hell?!?!? 

Even after my unique experience with Jesus in my early 20′s- which did not happen in church- I could not shake a need to be “something big” for God. I had to change the world and get people saved and heal the sick and cast out demons and prophecy to the masses and and and and and and…. This need to prove myself, to live up to the calling of God on every Christian life, led to some serious battles with suicide and depression. 

After failing to amount to anything as a Christian, I did something radical in my mid 20′s. I began to read the Bible. For myself. It was eye opening. You might be able to predict what happened next.

By my late 20′s I stopped going to church. I did not have the capacity to sit through sermons about holiness or morality or getting people saved for the sake of getting people saved. What about love? What about forgiveness? People are hurting and all you care about is their sin. Jesus wants our hearts, not perfection. 

Then the election of 2008 happened.

I possess a memory from that time of a prominent minister in which he used the imagery of Gandalf the Grey’s battle with Balrog on the Bridge of Khazad Dum to illustrate his call to fight the passage of Obamacare. To clarify, in this memory, the minister is Gandalf and Obamacare is a fiery demon. I’ll never forget when the minister said- in all seriousness- “we need to say ‘YOU!! SHALL NOT PASS!’” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

Is this what church is? A battleground for political issues? I’ve read the Bible. Anyone can justify any number of economic and political systems according to scripture. Did you know in Leviticus 25 the Lord our God says the land is His and we humans are just tenants?! This flies directly in the face of the modern Western ideal of property rights. But you won’t hear that preached in church. 

As I wrote above, by my mid 20′s I decided to pursue Jesus on my own. I no longer trusted the leaders I knew. And I decided Jesus would settle all Biblical disputes, starting with what’s important and how to live. 

So what did Jesus say is important? The most important? This is not hard. It’s love. (I would also accept Jesus’ affirmation he is the Christ, but that’s circular.) 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and spirit. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. 

This is not the Golden Rule, by the way. Jesus commanded us to love, to be patient and kind. To never give up. To rejoice in the flowering of truth. To put up with anything. Trust God always. Always looks for the best. Never look back, and keep going to the end. When we read the Gospels we see Jesus literally walking this out day after day. 

The love Jesus exhorts us to function from is something we cannot manufacture on our own. It comes as an outpouring of His presence in our hearts. 

As a result of Jesus’ work on my heart, I’ve had somewhat of a softening toward church and evangelical church leaders. They are people too. Most of them are trying their best and are simply blind in some areas. The main reason for this softened stance is in John 13. 

Jesus, oddly, gave His disciples a new commandment in John 13- to love each other in the way He loved them. Then Jesus added an encouragement that people would know “you are my disciples by how you love one another.” Holy. Crap. Unless I’m wrong- and I could be- in no other place in scripture do we see this type of promise. Not healing people. Not raising the dead. How we love each other. That’s how the world we will know who we are. 

In this age of constantly trying to one up each other and tribalism, I’m gonna attempt to stand on love. I don’t want to be part of a party or wing or -ist, ism. I just want to love Jesus and people. Love for gays, trans, and immigrants. Love for the elderly, the wealthy, and racists. Love for the angry Antifa members and Trump voters. Love for the Muslims, Atheists, and southern Baptists. Love for those who hate me, and my especially my momma. Love first and always. That’s my stance for 2020 and beyond.

I refuse to turn people into enemies regardless of how that treat me. 

 Yes, political issues including but not limited to Black Lives Matter, healthcare, the environment, COVID-19, sex trafficking, etc are social problems to be address in practical ways, by all of us. But without love and grace, we will devolve into a legalistic society hell bent on destroying itself by the law. 

I Don’t Feel Qualified, But I Am

I’ve always accepted the sidekick-backup-assistant-guy-behind-the-guy role in life. When we were teenagers, I hide in my sister’s long shadow. In my 20′s I refused leadership roles because I didn’t want the responsibility. And in my mid-30′s I started to believe I was destined to a life of “good enough.”

I lied to myself too. I told myself I didn’t want to be out front. Leading is treacherous, and unrewarding*. But in my most daring and honest dreams I am none of that. I am out front. I am leading people to life and inspiring them to put down fear and tribal tendencies. I am encouraging them to live their best lives, free of humiliation and worry. Put in more modern terms: I’m the shizz. The man. At least in my own life. 

This week, the Lord challenged me to accept and walk in my calling. The word makes me cringe. What’s a calling? Are those really a thing? Apparently, yes. They are. 

The conversation went like this: 

Jesus,”Do you think I’ve given you so much just to keep it to yourself?” 

Me: (The plainly obvious answer is a resounding no. I begin to sob.) 

He continued: “You have to accept it.”

Me: (Tears and more tears, feeling inadequate.)

Jesus: “Your heart is to help people, that’s all I’m asking you to do.” 

Me: (No, to this point I have not answered Jesus. Still sobbing.)

Jesus: “My calling for you is the same as what your heart wants.”

Me: (Still not answering the question- but also feeling better. I begin to challenge the inadequacy. I can be me, or learn to be.)

I sat in my seat for a few more moments. I asked myself why I couldn’t say “yes, I accept!” I want to lead, I want to encourage people, and give them practical hope. So why was it so damn hard to respond? Finally, the truth rose to the top: old Nik believed he had to make things happen. He believed he had to prove himself. Both are lies, and after a few moments of knew what I had to do. I accepted the Lord’s offer.

I have no clue how I’m going to get there, where ever there is. I don’t know what I’m aiming at. I do know I trust the Father more than ever. For now I have this blog, and I have my friends. So…I will write, and I will be vulnerable, and I will love my friends. I’m not concerned about anything else. 

Amen.

*If leading is so unrewarding, then why is second any better? It’s not. 

Jesus Felt Anxiety Too

“He took Peter, James, and John with him. He plunged into a sinkhole of dreadful agony. He told them, “I feel bad enough right now to die. Stay here and keep vigil with me.”

Going a little ahead, he fell to the ground and prayed for a way out: “Papa, Father, you can—can’t you?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do you want?” Mark 14:33-36

Years ago, I walked to the grocery store for a box of cookies. I stood under the dull yellow lights and tried to hide my tears as I could not make a decision. Why was life so difficult? Everything seemed to hinge on a choice and simultaneously nothing mattered. In that moment I felt forever stapled to a life of anxiety and emotional hell. Recently, I dated an amazing woman. (I could type many word about her, but it just didn’t work out.) I saw the end coming as she pulled away, and despite my prayers and actions to counter the coming breakup, it happened all the same. 

I prayed more than I can remember the last 2-3 weeks we were together. I fought off anxiety every time it came close. Stupidly, I added,”not my will but your will be done” to almost every prayer. And true to my request, my will was not done. I assume it was the Lord’s. It’s cynical to use the word assume. I choose to believe it was in fact His will, and He absolutely knows what He’s doing.

When the day came, and she said she couldn’t go on, I let her go. It was the very last thing I wanted to happen, and somehow I knew it would. 

When she left,  only one door came to my mind, and I had to charge through it. The door was labeled Jesus, and it was my height and width. I wasn’t going to drown in sorrow and despair. Not this time. 

On this occasion, I pressed hard into the chest of my Father. I sobbed (and still do) in front of my friends. And I refused to let my self worth be determined by this disappointment. 

A few days ago I read Mark 14. I read with new eyes how Jesus saw his fate coming, how His soul grieved. Jesus wanted his friends for comfort, and He prayed for anything but the coming pain. Jesus experienced anxiety and dread? Yes, he did. My Messiah was in agony, mental and emotional agony. And yet, he let it happen. He didn’t stop Judas or run to Egypt. He did nothing. He put his life and fate in the hand of the Father.

And yes, I’m comparing my breakup to Jesus dying on the cross. Pain is pain. Loss is loss. Anxiety is anxiety. If everything Jesus does is so beyond us, what’s the point? He came as our example, not our constant reminder of how small and inadequate we are. He came to show us there is reward if we face our fears/anxieties and choose to let go. 

After I finished reading Mark 14 I felt an odd assurance. Anxiety sucks, but it isn’t a sin. I’m not jacked up because my emotions and thoughts run down a hole. I’m not a lesser man because I have visceral reactions to life. I am daring to believe in something great for myself, for my life. From a certain perspective, one could wonder why I have hope in my future, but that is not my God’s perspective and it is not His plan for me. 

I trust Him. After 20 plus years of being a Christian, I learned to trust Him. Regardless of anything else. 

Amen. 

Forgiveness Journal Entry #1

Naked. Starving. Beaten. Whipped. Mocked. And now nailed to a tree. Jesus looked out on humanity. The adoring crowds were gone. The devoted disciples hid. Only his mother and her friends looked at as pain rippled through his body, the result of the intended torture.

From this state of shame and agony, Jesus managed to sum up human misery in one grand request: Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.

Of all the pain I’ve experienced, 99% of it can be explained and seen as “Lord, my God, they don’t know what they’re doing (to me.)” And I’m sure I have no clue the anguish I’ve put on others, how my indifference, dismissal, or angry words cut their soul.

Lord, I forgive everyone who has without thought or through selfish motivation, hurt me. I let go of the pain they caused. And believe in your hand to heal the wounds left of careless words and empty promises.

In turn, Jesus, heal those I’ve hurt. Rub your life-giving peace into their scars. Lift the shame and anger I transferred to them. Burn all my ignorance and pride to ashes.

Amen

The Kingdom is not a Lottery

Jesus never says the Kingdom of Heaven “will suddenly and without notice drop into your lap.” He never said “the Kingdom is only for a certain type of person, and you probably aren’t it.” And Jesus definitely never preached “the Kingdom of Heaven is full of only perfect people, so perfect yourself.”

On multiple occasions, Jesus compares the Kingdom of Heaven to: fields/farming, people who are diligent with what they have, and an open invitation. The pattern is easy to spot. The Kingdom of Heaven is one of slow and steady action tied to faith, and it doesn’t have to be giant faith. 

All too often in my life I’ve wanted something quick and easy. I didn’t believe in endurance or perseverance. I didn’t believe I was a seed or a field or what I had was good enough. I constantly judged my life and consequently my relationship with God by my circumstances. I often felt glued to the same sins and flaws.

But I wasn’t. Despite being unaware of what He was doing, He continued to work on me. He continued to love me, to guide me, and comfort me- through bitterness and self pity, doubt and shame, fear and cynicism. He never left or stopped loving me. 

He has not or will not leave you. Keep going. The redemption of pain and heart ache is a satisfying cup to sip. 

Anthony Bourdain Helped Me Beat Suicide

I can recall June 8th, 2018 like I can recall 9/11 or the Oklahoma City bombing. At the time, I lived in a stylish studio apartment, my bed at one end close to the air conditioner, and my open-shelved, stainless steel kitchen at the other. I still see the red comforter on my bed, the shafts of sun light softy falling on the stack of books next to my bed. I remember I woke up in a good mood, and had an hour or so until to begin my freelance work. 

Still in bed I reached for my phone, to check Instagram. After a scroll or two, I stopped on a somber black and white photo of Anthony Bourdain, and read the caption. I sat up in shock and immediately googled “Anthony Bourdain” to confirm the news. Indeed, one of my heroes was dead. By suicide. 

Until that moment, I didn’t know what Anthony Bourdain meant to me. I felt hot rears roll down my cheeks, as I looked over at shelf above my kitchen stink. It overflowed with cookbooks, most of them by chefs Anthony Bourdain championed- David Chang, Danny Bowien,  Sean Brock, and others. I thought about how my love of food and willingness to try something new was due in part to what I saw him do on his TV shows. How could this happen? 

A moment or two passed before a singular thought pushed all the others away, “This was not the first time Anthony Bourdain tried to kill himself. It was just the most successful.” I knew from studies how people who commit suicide usually try several times prior their final attempt, and of my experience of several half-hearted attempts to end my life. 

I took Bourdain’s death to heart. I want to live and enjoy life. I want to be old and tell my great-grandkids about telephones with cords so long I walk out to the back patio. And three-way calling. And dial up. I want to see how the world evolves and explore as much of it as I can, visit towering mountains and thick forests, eat questionable food, meet people, exchange hugs, and share love and kindness. I do not want to kill myself.

Fortunately on June 8th I was in no personal crisis. Life was relatively good, and I enjoyed it.  Thankfully, I was also a bit more mature at age 37. Something inside me said I had to attack suicide at its core, not to wait for it to come back for me. 

My suicidal thoughts start at place of desperation and loneliness and self-isolation. No one knows what I’m going through. No one cares about me. I’m all alone. Nothing is ever going to change. I’m a loser. I’m always going to be a fat lonely loser. No one will miss you. You’re hopeless. This is never going to end. Of course, all of these statements are lies. 100%. But The mental and emotional strain is real to the point of feeling like physical pain. And suddenly the thought of ending it all- because no one will miss me anyway- starts to get louder and more feasible. It’s an abyss of self-absorbed sadness, for me anyway.

June 8th, 2018 is the day I decided to have a plan, to stop assuming I’d never be tempted by go down the road toward suicide. I had to be proactive.

As I mentioned above, the option to commit suicide only seems like an option in a place of mental and emotional hopelessness. So, how do I avoid being hopeless? Where does the track and spiral begin? And what plan can I put in place to stop it?

Over the course of a week, I scanned my journals for clues, and I began to see a pattern in my thoughts and behavior. Isolation is one key factor. My tendency to believe my problems are unsolvable, and no one will or wants to understand them, was a huge contributing factor to the path to suicidal thoughts. The other key factor is self-pity. Self-pity for me usually starts with a perceived failure, or mistreatment by another person. If I let it build- the self-destructive lies- everything turns to black, and nothing in life is good. (My general lack of self-worth was also a major contributing factor.) 

Aware of my tendencies, I hatched an action plan: 

1. The moment I can recognize a slide into self-pity, or just having a bad day, I call or text a handful of friends I trust. I told all them about my past struggles with suicide and my goal to beat it. If isolation is a key factor, then I’ve got to reach out and bring my community closer rather than push them away in a moment of weakness. 
2. I take 10 deep breaths and practice gratitude. Sometimes it’s a simple as saying “Lord, I am thankful for the sun, and my car, and good food.” Then I keep going. I due this to remind myself the world and my life are not junk. I have a great life with lots of amazing people in it. 
3. And last, I go for a walk and pray. Exercise is proven to reduce anxiety and stress, and it’s always a good idea to be honest with God. Even if it’s self-pity and feeling alone or attacked, I start from a place of honesty. He always meets me there. And it is good. 

If you ever suffer from suicidal thoughts, reach out to me. You are loved and appreciated. You are not alone. You are not stuck in never ending cycles of disappointment. You are worthy of kindness and grace. There is light at the end, and so much more. I promise you. Hit me up: ncurf(at)yahoo[dot]com. 

Live in the Light, Become Your Best Self 

The sun is the sustainer of life on Earth. Every moment of every second, of every minute/hour/day/week/month/year, our sun is beaming light across our solar system as photon particles. Trees, algae, and tomato plants all use the photons to create the energy they need. During this miraculous process they release oxygen into the atmosphere, the sun’s final gift.  

Jesus- the son- is the sustainer of our being. We are his Garden and He is our light. Without Him we wither. In our  anxious desire for control we look inward for answers as we grope around, becoming ever more conscience of our flaws and weakness. And yet His light still shines on us. He never leaves. Should we become the 1, He leaves the 99. 

Even in the maze of confusion and despair, He is there. His promises are of blessings and grace. Eternal love and peace. We do not need to scrub ourselves all our wrongs. Simply turn and whisper,”Lord, here I am. I receive your love and peace today.” 

To live in the Light, in the presence of Jesus, is an action no one can choose for us. We must choose it as we rise each morning. 

When life is loud and chaotic, choose Him. He is our quiet shelter and place of peace. When life is sad and lonely, choose Him. He will give you hope and joy. When money is tight, relationships fail, adversity is piled like a stack of plates, and you feel emptier than ever- turn to Him. He is there, and always will be. 

When the screams stop echoing and the depression swatted away, we are tempted to go back to our previous way of life. We see Jesus is our band-aid, and with crisis adverted it’s time to get back to real life. And, in his patient grace, He will continue to be our band-aid. He will save us from ourselves every time, but there is a better way.

Some of us find the path only we can walk for ourselves. It seeks deep into our DNA. We do something amazing when we turn to Him, but the greater reward is in the remaining in His presence. 

As we choose to sit in the light of Jesus, the more we find ourselves truly reborn. The lies we hold in the dark are exposed. The fear of failure drops like dead branches, and we begin to be what He wants us to be. Better said, we begin to be who we are. We start to walk the Earth as the unique person the Father created in the beginning, free of fear and control. Full of love, faith, and endurance. 

To live in the Light is to mature and be something greater than we could ever be on our own. Dead limbs are removed and branches pruned, but even those moments come with joy. More than the removal of lies and fear, we grow. We blossom. We become the being we always wanted to be. 

The Finger on Your Heart

For years I asked the wrong questions. I thought I was wise. I thought I knew my way out of my pain and tired fears. Then it struck me all at once.

The fear I protected, and the lies I watered were the very thing blocking everything I stood to gain. The Lord’s finger in my chest, the one showering light on my shame, isn’t trying to hurt me. It’s not shouting condemnation or dismissal. 

He’s saying “Nik, that thing you’ve pressed tight to your heart, the thing you used to protect yourself in pain and frustration, anger and loneliness…let it go. That’s your way of life, not mine. You don’t have to prove anything to me, or anyone else. You already have my love and acceptance. Nothing you can do will lose it. 

Once you let it go and accept Me, you’ll have what your heart desires: peace, love, joy, and faith. You won’t need a plan, but you’ll have one. You won’t need people, but you’ll be loved and love them in return. You won’t need money, but it’ll start to flow. You won’t need perfection or affirmation. You’ll believe in yourself.” 

My mind went silent as I envisioned everything about the last 20 years leading to this moment. All the pain. All the loneliness. The battles with depression and suicide. The self-destruction. The anger and pride. The missed attempts and near successes. The growth. The progression of faith. The foundation of peace. The community of support. The brotherhood of solidarity. The persistent kindness. The never ending opportunities. The redemption of everything before it. The infinite, unfailing love. 

Over 20 years, I wanted to leave. At times, I turned to the side. I wavered in faith. He never did. In fact, He never left. He always came after me, like he said He would. And now I get to move on, to leave behind the chains I wrapped around my heart. 

I have no idea what the next 20 years holds. Not a clue, but it’s gonna be beautiful.

The Progession of The Soil

According to Matthew 13:18-23, Jesus used a parable to explain how we receive His words and the words of the Father. 

In verse 18 we are a road. And because we are a road, we cannot receive the love and grace offered to us. Thereafter, we are compared to rocky soil, able to hear and comprehend, yearning for the goodness of our Lord. And because we understand, we rejoice. Even still, we are immature and unable to maintain our joy. 

After our road becomes a field, and the rocks removed, we are filled with weeds and thorns. We hear. We understand. And the joy we experienced in youth is replaced with cynicism and fear. Our experience is now guiding our decisions, instead of the Holy Spirit. 

Finally, gracefully, we are good soil. Rocks and weeds removed, we are capable for producing our own seed. We feed the hungry and the lost. We provide shelter for the hurting, and shade for the weary. We are no longer burdened by our human need for validation. Love is our guide, and joy our constant companion. 

Our walk with Jesus is obscure and filled with layers of refinement. Too often we hold onto our rocks and our weeds, our desires and fears. We are still learning to trust, to believe, to have faith. Do not concern yourself or try to jump ahead. We all begin as roads, and our destiny is one of being transformed into a proper field, a Garden of Life. 

Do not worry about all the things we are told to bury ourselves under- the acceptance of others, the needs of others, the popular culture or fear-mongering media. Wake up and find Him. He isn’t far. Pray with an honest tongue and open your heart to His voice. 

You are loved without reason or end. You are known to Him, and infinitely desired. You are a unique creation of His, and He wants you.