The Finger on Your Heart

For years I asked the wrong questions. I thought I was wise. I thought I knew my way out of my pain and tired fears. Then it struck me all at once.

The fear I protected, and the lies I watered were the very thing blocking everything I stood to gain. The Lord’s finger in my chest, the one showering light on my shame, isn’t trying to hurt me. It’s not shouting condemnation or dismissal. 

He’s saying “Nik, that thing you’ve pressed tight to your heart, the thing you used to protect yourself in pain and frustration, anger and loneliness…let it go. That’s your way of life, not mine. You don’t have to prove anything to me, or anyone else. You already have my love and acceptance. Nothing you can do will lose it. 

Once you let it go and accept Me, you’ll have what your heart desires: peace, love, joy, and faith. You won’t need a plan, but you’ll have one. You won’t need people, but you’ll be loved and love them in return. You won’t need money, but it’ll start to flow. You won’t need perfection or affirmation. You’ll believe in yourself.” 

My mind went silent as I envisioned everything about the last 20 years leading to this moment. All the pain. All the loneliness. The battles with depression and suicide. The self-destruction. The anger and pride. The missed attempts and near successes. The growth. The progression of faith. The foundation of peace. The community of support. The brotherhood of solidarity. The persistent kindness. The never ending opportunities. The redemption of everything before it. The infinite, unfailing love. 

Over 20 years, I wanted to leave. At times, I turned to the side. I wavered in faith. He never did. In fact, He never left. He always came after me, like he said He would. And now I get to move on, to leave behind the chains I wrapped around my heart. 

I have no idea what the next 20 years holds. Not a clue, but it’s gonna be beautiful.