It’s one of those days, caught between sad and happy where nothing seems to move the emotional lever up or down. This is why best practices are in fact best. I’ve taken care of myself today despite the lack of motivation. I’m definitely not depressed, but I’m not slap happy. Here’s my rub today:

How do I know when I’ve heard the voice of God? Especially when I want something? It is very often a frustrating experience.

I had a quick vision of a thing last September. Nothing I wanted in the moment, but a picture I embraced. I quickly told the Lord,”if that’s going to happen, it’s on You.” I went on living my life. 

Almost a year later, it seems as though that vision is dead. So what gives? Why does this happen? 

Jesus, help me understand. I want to believe You speak to me, and I can hear Your voice. So why does this happen? I didn’t ask for that moment, a clear vision of my future. I know I can hear Your voice for other people, but I’m having a hard time hearing for myself, especially when it involves my heart. 

I don’t want to hear what I want to hear. I want our truth, grace, and love. Everything You have for me is good. I do not fear disappointment. I fear placing my expectations in the wrong place, standing in faith on the sand, instead of your Rocks. 

My heart knows, regardless of outcome or circumstance, you are good. I’m good. I am afraid.

I am afraid. 

I am afraid.

But that’s this walk isn’t it. Having faith to say to the mountain “get up and go”, and if the mountain stays put, there is a bigger plan at work. It’s not me. 

You’ve carefully held my head and heart. I see your hands. And I know this: Disappointment isn’t the problem. My interpretation of disappointment is problem. When what I’ve held in my heart falls into shards of a broken dream, it doesn’t mean I fucked up. 

I can’t use a misinterpretation of failure as a reason to stop listening and believing. So, sweet baby Jesus, keep speaking. Keep casting Your visions. 

Amen.