DJ: #61 Setting New Goals

For those of you who don’t know, I meet with a business/life coach every month or so. He’s been an absolute God-sent gift in my life. The irony is I always thought the guy was a bit of a douche until I started working with him. He, along with another counselor, helped hone my tactics for combatting needy Nik. They gave me practical strategies and helped set me on the course I am on now. I could not be more grateful for them.

During my last session with my coach he asked me to set goals. I immediately recoiled in fear and told him as much. I am afraid to set grand life goals, to look beyond 2020 into 2021, and I don’t even want to think about 2022. Eventually we settled on where I’d like to be in August of 2021. If I break my life into sections, I can project where I’d like to be in business, health, and creatively in 12 months. No problem.

(What I didn’t mention to him is how I’d like to be in healthy dating relationship. But how does one plan for that anyway? I am not going to bang away on dating apps or creep on women in coffee shops. So that area is an area I give to Jesus. What I can do is continue to prep for it by living my best life. Real recognizes real, healthy recognizes healthy, and I’ll attract the right lady some day. I’m not worried about it.)

Still…as of yesterday, I had not set any goals. Every major goal I set for 2020 went up in smoke, and it feels wise to keep my heart and options open. Honestly though, I’m scared. What if I’m wrong, again? What if what I aim at isn’t what I should want? And what about the role of Jesus in my life? Nearly all of my previous visions were about me and my striving. I’m not into striving any more. I have no desire to don’t jump ahead of the Lord and force anything- goals, relationships, or moments. I feel heavy and anxious when I think about it.

Of course, my thinking on the subject is very backwards. My hope and trust isn’t in my plans or goals. It’s in Jesus and my daily walk with Him. No matter what I set my eyes on, without Him it’s empty. The abundant life is in the combination of walking with Him and being who He created me to be.

Back to yesterday. After I grabbed coffee, two seemingly independent events took place.

First, on my way to my “office” I stopped to look a building close to downtown Redding. It’s an old school cement brick structure, long but narrow to the street. The front of the single story building has tall glass windows, reminiscent of the days when people window shopped. My google search revealed a new owner as of July, so I wondered what would become of it.

Then my brain did what I love that it does. I began to see a future in this old place. I saw studio space for me and other young artists (young in the sense of beginning to create, not age.) The big front room with the tall windows is perfect for monthly exhibitions. I pictured a Friday night open mic for aspiring comics, and Saturday night live music. As much as anything, it could be a place I could sow into people, teach and mentor them, and create community. When I drove away I told myself to hold the image loosely. I had to get to a meeting, the second event.

Earlier in the week I decided to stick with my current occupation in marketing rather than pursue a lucrative sales position. During the time I considered a move back into sales, I put marketing on the back burner. Now, I needed to chat with my friend (and boss) to determine how I will be most useful to his marketing company.

I arrived at the office just in time to begin my video meeting. Justin was his usual ball of energy, his voice animated and confident. I told him about my decision to stick with marketing, and asked how I fit into the plans for Cultre. Justin, never short on enthusiasm or ideas, started to riff on the high level of what could be. I saw the wheels turn in his mind as he developed an action plan for me, one that included some training and increased workload.

An hour into the call he asked a simple but fateful question: what do you want, personally? Before I could stop myself I rambled on about an artist co-working and events space. His eyes got big and he clapped his hands in jubilation. On I went about my heart to create community and my desire to mentor people. I was both scared and proud I was vulnerable in the moment, even if this vision was only a few hours old. What came next was bit of a shock.

When I finished explaining my new dream Justin giggled. He said, “You’re not gonna believe this, but I have the exact same vision.” His vision was a bit different than mine, but the same heart. A mix of emotions bubbled out of me, and I battled to stay calm. I knew this moment was some kind of confirmation. It scared me.

(I have two other concrete goals for my life, and they scare me too. I want to get married and have a family. I also want to build a rest and recovery community for missionary and ministry families. Create, grow, and connect. That’s what I want to do.)

All of these goals scare me, which I’m told is good. They require time, resources, and skills beyond what I have now. So they also require faith. And faith I have. The irony is, while I may have honed these dreams a bit, these are the dreams I’ve always held in my heart, the dreams I constantly put aside to be someone else, the dreams I thought I’d get to when they weren’t a risk.

I hear the Lord asking me to go after these things now. Not later. I can do something everyday in pursuit of them, help will come. The woman I marry will support me, as I will her. There will be people I do not know, but have similar passions, who will appear when needed. And all of this isn’t on me. It’s on Him.

My first and only task is to be bold enough to show up, make the sacrifices, and go after the destiny Jesus has for me. Everything else will come. Goals set. Come Lord.

Being Know is not What I Think It Is

Jesus gave. He performed miracles, raised the dead, and healed the sick. He preached the Gospel of Hope. He poured himself into his disciples and faced his critics head on. And when they came to seize him in the Garden of Gethsemane, the horde of the chief priest and elders brought swords and clubs. Jesus, almost comically, addressed the show of force,”Day after day I sat in the Temple teaching, and you never so much as lifted a hand against me.”*

Jesus did not hold his heart in a secret drawer. He did not protect Himself. He wept over Lazarus, and was often triggered by compassion. He berated the cities of Chorazin, Bethsaida and Capernaum for being like spoiled children. He felt anxiety in the Garden before his arrest. And he often went away to be in solitude.

My human experience says ultimately, Jesus believed in Himself, that no matter what the response was from the people, Pharisees, Sadducees, or Priests, He didn’t stop. He risked being know to the world…and they crucified Him for it. That’s not the the kind of result any of us want. I certainly don’t want to be crucified for being myself. 

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. He’s my example, not my unattainable-mythical-super-hero-figure God. He made promises, and I believe He’ll keep them. 

The major flaw in my belief in being know is that it comes with acceptance and comfort.That being know is safe. But that’s not true. It can be true. I can talk about my struggle with body image or suicide to a close friend, and reasonably expect to be assured. But what about you internet? What about the seven billion other people our planet? 

Today, right now, I’m starting to believe being known- being honest and open and authentic- is not about how people respond. It’s about walking in the truth of who I am as much as I am able. Everyday. 

Yesterday, I was in my car for seven hours on a drive from Oregon to Redding. At one point, I called to chat with my mom. As we chatted I drove by Mount Shasta in all its glory. A flash of thought over took me as I beheld the beautiful mountain landscape. How uncovered and naked it looked, but also powerful and strong. Then- as if on cue- my mom asked about my holiday plans. Tears leaked down my face as I told her I hadn’t thought about it. Then I paused for a moment. Do I tell her the whole truth? Yes. Be vulnerable. I didn’t run from the question and how it affected me. How I planned to be with someone else during the Holidays, but now I had to consider other alternatives.  

We talked for another 20 minutes on the subject. I’m still sad about it. I still miss her everyday, and I know I’ve got to continue onward. I’m comfortable in the tension. God meets me every morning and sustains me. 

I want to be uncovered and unguarded, strong and powerful. I think what the church taught us kids- protect your heart- is a load of bullshit. The only sure way to have a healthy heart is to use it, give it space to grow and learn, and be who it is. 

My days of waiting for a safe space to be me are at an end.