Anthony Bourdain Helped Me Beat Suicide

I can recall June 8th, 2018 like I can recall 9/11 or the Oklahoma City bombing. At the time, I lived in a stylish studio apartment, my bed at one end close to the air conditioner, and my open-shelved, stainless steel kitchen at the other. I still see the red comforter on my bed, the shafts of sun light softy falling on the stack of books next to my bed. I remember I woke up in a good mood, and had an hour or so until to begin my freelance work. 

Still in bed I reached for my phone, to check Instagram. After a scroll or two, I stopped on a somber black and white photo of Anthony Bourdain, and read the caption. I sat up in shock and immediately googled “Anthony Bourdain” to confirm the news. Indeed, one of my heroes was dead. By suicide. 

Until that moment, I didn’t know what Anthony Bourdain meant to me. I felt hot rears roll down my cheeks, as I looked over at shelf above my kitchen stink. It overflowed with cookbooks, most of them by chefs Anthony Bourdain championed- David Chang, Danny Bowien,  Sean Brock, and others. I thought about how my love of food and willingness to try something new was due in part to what I saw him do on his TV shows. How could this happen? 

A moment or two passed before a singular thought pushed all the others away, “This was not the first time Anthony Bourdain tried to kill himself. It was just the most successful.” I knew from studies how people who commit suicide usually try several times prior their final attempt, and of my experience of several half-hearted attempts to end my life. 

I took Bourdain’s death to heart. I want to live and enjoy life. I want to be old and tell my great-grandkids about telephones with cords so long I walk out to the back patio. And three-way calling. And dial up. I want to see how the world evolves and explore as much of it as I can, visit towering mountains and thick forests, eat questionable food, meet people, exchange hugs, and share love and kindness. I do not want to kill myself.

Fortunately on June 8th I was in no personal crisis. Life was relatively good, and I enjoyed it.  Thankfully, I was also a bit more mature at age 37. Something inside me said I had to attack suicide at its core, not to wait for it to come back for me. 

My suicidal thoughts start at place of desperation and loneliness and self-isolation. No one knows what I’m going through. No one cares about me. I’m all alone. Nothing is ever going to change. I’m a loser. I’m always going to be a fat lonely loser. No one will miss you. You’re hopeless. This is never going to end. Of course, all of these statements are lies. 100%. But The mental and emotional strain is real to the point of feeling like physical pain. And suddenly the thought of ending it all- because no one will miss me anyway- starts to get louder and more feasible. It’s an abyss of self-absorbed sadness, for me anyway.

June 8th, 2018 is the day I decided to have a plan, to stop assuming I’d never be tempted by go down the road toward suicide. I had to be proactive.

As I mentioned above, the option to commit suicide only seems like an option in a place of mental and emotional hopelessness. So, how do I avoid being hopeless? Where does the track and spiral begin? And what plan can I put in place to stop it?

Over the course of a week, I scanned my journals for clues, and I began to see a pattern in my thoughts and behavior. Isolation is one key factor. My tendency to believe my problems are unsolvable, and no one will or wants to understand them, was a huge contributing factor to the path to suicidal thoughts. The other key factor is self-pity. Self-pity for me usually starts with a perceived failure, or mistreatment by another person. If I let it build- the self-destructive lies- everything turns to black, and nothing in life is good. (My general lack of self-worth was also a major contributing factor.) 

Aware of my tendencies, I hatched an action plan: 

1. The moment I can recognize a slide into self-pity, or just having a bad day, I call or text a handful of friends I trust. I told all them about my past struggles with suicide and my goal to beat it. If isolation is a key factor, then I’ve got to reach out and bring my community closer rather than push them away in a moment of weakness. 
2. I take 10 deep breaths and practice gratitude. Sometimes it’s a simple as saying “Lord, I am thankful for the sun, and my car, and good food.” Then I keep going. I due this to remind myself the world and my life are not junk. I have a great life with lots of amazing people in it. 
3. And last, I go for a walk and pray. Exercise is proven to reduce anxiety and stress, and it’s always a good idea to be honest with God. Even if it’s self-pity and feeling alone or attacked, I start from a place of honesty. He always meets me there. And it is good. 

If you ever suffer from suicidal thoughts, reach out to me. You are loved and appreciated. You are not alone. You are not stuck in never ending cycles of disappointment. You are worthy of kindness and grace. There is light at the end, and so much more. I promise you. Hit me up: ncurf(at)yahoo[dot]com.