What Happens When the Self Hate Stops

This week I’ve had moments, long stretches of time, where I didn’t feel anxious or sluggish. At times my thoughts were simple and clear. I gave myself permission to enjoy the landscape of the rocky mountains and the thick forests surrounding them. I was at peace. 

Last night I went to pray in my spot, as I do each night. I wasn’t full of angst or sadness- yes I still miss her, but I’ve learned to live in the tension. And this morning when I went for my morning walk and talk (I literally go for a 2-3 mile walk and prayer session everyday) I didn’t feel emotionally drained, in fact I felt a bit arrogant. I even admitted as much to the Lord. 

(I’ve seen this happen in my life before. My life starts to improve and I suddenly develop an abnormal confidence ultimately leading to some stupid decisions, which tear me down, and I end up back in the self-pity pit.) 

Because my motivation has changed, I see people in a different light. No longer are they powerless or in need of me. I don’t feel a need to fix everything or have the right answer. The real crux of the moment is I longer desire their approval and affirmation. 

Was this always my motivation to love people before now? For them to love me back? To win their approval? I can confidently say no, not always. My life isn’t that binary, but it is a mix. So for some, yes. I wanted them to love me back, and for others no. I love my mom and dad, my good friend Blake, and I love her,  because I love them. I don’t need a reason. Hell, I love my sister, and she continually offers a buffet of reasons not to love her. 

I’ve asked the Lord to see people as He sees them. To love like He loves. And now it’s different. I prayed that same prayer last night. What I realize today, even as I’m typing these words is this: Until recently I wanted to love people well so they would approve of me and value me and love me back. But now, I just want to love people and point them to Jesus. I don’t want to be the source and I don’t need their praise. 

It’s a new world when I don’t hate yourself.