I Will Not Regret or Consider Myself Cursed

I wrote the title of this blog post as the ending of a poem. 

I have, until recently, often wrestled with regret or considered myself cursed with women. In my 20′s, I avoided dating, mostly because I had some sort of Mother-Mary-playboy-bunny mash up of a fantasy in mind. My complete lack of self-confidence kept me from really pursuing anyone. Transition into my early 30′s, when I pronounced myself “ready to date.” I then picked a series of insecure ladies to court culminating in an abusive drug addict. I desperately tried to save her. If you should wonder, no. Do not try to save the drug addict.

Despite the wretched humiliation of dating a drug addict, it was during that relationship I finally started to learn about mental health, boundaries, and looking for what I want and need. Over the last few disappointing relationships, I’ve been able to separate the fruit from the flies. I no longer see the failures as mistakes or personal rebukes. I’m glad none of them “worked out.” 

Usually when a relationship ends, I run and hide from the overwhelming shame and self-judgement. Not this time. I’m not ashamed of loving her or letting her go. The last few weeks of our relationship were gut wrenching. We were stuck, and something had to change. 

I believe in me more than ever- my good future, an awesome marriage, and walking in the fullness of whatever Jesus has for me. So…if that’s true, can’t I stand in hope she will come back to me? I want her, but I don’t need her. Why not? She is worth hoping for.

I genuinely miss her everyday, but I’m not holding up my life or sitting by the phone. I’ve got a life to live, and I’ll keep the door open with hope she wonders back through it. If she doesn’t, someone else eventually will. 

I will have no regrets or see myself as cursed. I will be proud I didn’t give into shame or disappointment, that I loved her to the very end.