Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/21/21 Nik Curfman 6/21/21

Journal: #313 My Need For Routines

I am an unapologetic, emotional man. I feel my feelings in a very visceral manner— sharp and unavoidable. When I hope, it’s big. When I despair, it’s dark*. That’s the way I am, and I’m ok with it. What I had to learn was how to function within these swings of emotion. My routines help me level each day. On the hard days, I stumble through my routines. I mumble my prayers and squeak out blog posts. But, at the end of the day, I am proud I didn’t give in to the liars in my head. Despite feelings and thoughts to the contrary, I won the day.

My friend Blake texted me early today. He wanted to know if I ‘still practice daily affirmation.’ Of course, I do. After years of verbal self-destruction, I actively reclaim my mind and self-worth every day. It’s vital to walking in my calling. More than that, it’s vital to my sense of self. If I think and believe I’m shit, I will act like shit. This belief is also in direct conflict with the value the Lord placed on my life. It clashes with His promises. And ultimately, it leads to pain and suffering.

When I agree with the Lord— I am loved and worthy of love- the world becomes a place of wonder and opportunity. My thoughts or emotions no longer threaten me. My sin does not separate me from Him. Instead of holding on to what I’ve got, of expecting the worse, I begin to see what’s possible in my life. My behavior turns from self-protection and critical to hopeful and kind. (If I’m not kind, then I feel threatened.)

To be transparent, not every day is a winner. When I affirm myself and the word of the Lord over my life, it does not translate into a sudden burst of supernatural energy or power. This process is a daily grind, which can be difficult for me. As stated in previous blogs, I hate routine. Yet, I acknowledge I cannot live without them. My goal is to find the most life-giving and fruitful routines. It’s why I make my bed first thing in the morning, every morning. That little habit gives me a small but important sense of order and accomplishment. It’s like a little win to start my day.

*Good feelings can be as destructive as bad feelings. Feeling good Nik likes to spend money and eat whatever he wants. Feeling good Nik starts taking online classes and says yes to everything. Feeling good Nik has no limits. Thankfully, I learned to channel the good emotions into my routines and goals.