Abstract: Age And Opportunity

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A long, slow breath is pulled over my teeth,

as I stare at the blank space of my life.

All my expectations and desire,

somewhere in the yonder,

but I know not where.

Or, best said, when.

I am tired and worn,

like old blue jeans,

comfortable but frayed.

More sips of air as I ponder,

how to get from today,

through the empty page,

to chapters filled with His glory.

And, I am not an old pair of jeans.

I am a man, my fate is unsettled,

and the blank space and empty pages are my opportunities.

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Vol II: #6 The Cliche But Real, Dog Days of Summer

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Historically, this time of year, late July through August, is my least favorite part of the year. The weather is hot and dusty, and friends are off on vacation. Additionally, this part of summer lacks a holiday or noteworthy event. I feel like I’m sitting in a warm airplane, sweat on my back, circling the runway. And, it’ll be another six weeks before we land. It’s a perfect test of the mental and emotional health I have developed since last summer. What will I do to pass the time? It’s a gift, after all. What if I meet my wife in the next few months? I’ll look back at this time as the last true alone time of my life. I want it to count for something.

I see a trap in my thinking and have the wisdom to sidestep it. What I do not want to do is set some hardcore goals as a means to judge the coming weeks. I do have a few targets in my mind, but they mostly involve showing up to the tasks, not the quality of the work. (Quality comes after we decide to do a thing. I’m still in the “I need to do this every day” phase in some areas.)

My blog remains a constant encouragement and source of inspiration. I’m thrilled I completed my first goal, as well as to the changes I made to my writing schedule for year two. I can see the progress when I read back through older posts. I know I need to take the same approach to my artistic endeavors. Today isn’t about being a master artist, but I can take one step closer. Same for tomorrow.

I write about this process to remind myself of what I need to do. It’s still a mental battle to put my pencil to the sketch paper. Once I do, I’m ready to proceed. But, on some days, it’s hard to get there. I am happy to see where I am as a writer, and I whisper to myself, “where will you be in a year if you draw every day for a year?” My lips form a smile and betray the answer of my heart, “I’ll be 10x the artist I am today, on my way to where I want to be.”

What’s left of the Dog Days of Summer is my opportunity to establish my artistic practice. I don’t have the distraction of a heavy social calendar or career demands. Art is important to me, to my life. When I start dating that woman it’s something I want her to know and experience. To date, I have not done a proper job communicating or showing as much. Now is my chance to set the tone for the rest of my life.

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DJ: #57 Talents, and More

“The servant given one thousand said, ‘Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.” Matthew 25: 24-25

Much of my walk with Jesus can be summed up in the italicized words above, “I was afraid I might disappoint you.” From an early age, I felt I needed to be more than me. What ever I was wasn’t enough. My interests were not important. My thoughts and emotions to be trimmed and conformed into “what I ought to be.” There’s a songs to this affect. We sang it in Sunday school.

This type of indoctrination is dangerous. When we constantly teach our children how f-cked up they are, how they will never be enough, but must strive to please God, we set them up for failure. It is the equivalent of asking someone to leap from one side of the Grand Canyon to the other, every day. At some point they are going to lose heart. They know it can’t be done. Why try?

But what if…hear me out…we can please our Father? What if He’s in love with us, as scripture says He is? I don’t deny human imperfection or sinful nature. They are well established. But the idea we must conform to an unattainable standard is dumb. Even more so, when did Jesus ask us to squeeze into a box? He didn’t. He asked us to love. He asked us to pray. He asked us to pursue, and take risks. In return Jesus promised the Father would take care of our needs, be present in our trials, deliver us from our flaws, answer our prayers, and give us His Kingdom.

All too often what I wrote above is sold as a formula: go to church, don’t sin, pray rehearsed prayers, be good, don’t cuss, tell your neighbor about Jesus, make everything in your life an evangelical touch point, wear Christian t-shirts, vote conservative. This is all backwards. Prayer and voting habits ought to be a response to the Lord’s love in our lives, not a compulsion to conform. Formulas are easy. They test formulas in labs with rats. We are not rats.

I want to see an end to being what we “ought to be.” That’s religion at its worst. Masses of people all trying to avoid hell by trying to please the God of Judgment. The sticky part is being in the Mystery of God Almighty. It’s not a plan or goal. It’s a state of being. It is also a trust, to allow Him to change and move us in uncomfortable ways. He will expose our hearts biggest fears and oldest grudges. Love does that. Love says “let go” and offers healing in exchange.

To this point you might be yourself asking the question “what does this have to do with talent?” It is a valid inquiry. I will now answer.

In the Talent parable of Matthew 25, Jesus explains we are to use what we have to take risks. And then He says something people on the political left rail against but is no less prophetic “those who have will be given more, and those who have little, even that will be taken away.” It’s a chilling prophecy, but also an encouragement.

A few months ago the Lord asked me to answer my calling, which was to pursue the life-giving parts of my heart. Eventually I said yes, to writing, to showing my creativity, and yes to loving people without a need for validation. I let got of control and my formulas. It was a good day, with a perfunctory sob session (of course.)

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday, and I am no closer to being married or having a career or being settled than I was at 30. Yet…I am unmoved by this. For the first time, I don’t care how old I am. I have no more formulas to use. I don’t care what I “ought to be.” I am where I am. I get the honor of waking up everyday to go for a walk with Jesus. I get to explore the depth of my heart. The double blessing is I time to practice being me, to write, to create, to read.

Moreover, I know I’ve got more talent to explore and use. This is only a beginning. When I started to walk this new road, I knew I was at the back of the line. It’s like starting over, but with a great new twist. I am no longer ignoring my talents. I am, in faith, taking risks. So I believe, one way or another, I will receive more (whatever more is.)

For now, I very happy living a more simple yet focused life. I still want to have a settled career- though it may never come- and I definitely want to find Mrs Curfman. She’s out there, and I trust I will find her when we are both ready.

Lord, thank you for loving me. Thank you for continuing to guide me back to where I need to be, and to what gives me life. Thank you for watching over me and my life. Remove the dull and the cursed.

Your will be done.

Amen.