Walk in the Woods
Journal: #277 Open Thy Hand
The more grip I use on a dream or life situation, the more the outcome controls my life. When my hand is open, I find the healthy space I need from any scenario. If a dream, a job, or relationship fails, I’m ok. The outcome isn’t a judgement on my heart or self-worth. More than all that, my open hand creates space for the Lord to do His work in me. My closed hand forces Him out. An open hand see possibilities and all the paths forward.
From mid-February until last week, my life was a fight. I fought to write, to walk, and to pray. I even fought how I treated myself and others. The battle was evident in the little moments when my brain didn’t think as quickly as my mouth acted. For example, I was shocked at my decayed patience, and I quit drawing. Part of this detour was due to self-pity. I gave up being a powerful person, and began to wait for life to happen. It’s a terrible trap whereby I begin to resent those who do not recognize and value me. It’s a sign I need help.
Then, toward the end of this swamp mess, I felt disconnected from the Lord. I felt stuck. And, I felt defeated. But…that’s not true. Today, as I type, I super proud of me. I’m proud I walked through a lonely season without a meltdown. Sure, I was not the healthiest version of me, but I mustered every tool and skill at my disposal to hang onto the Lord. And…I did. I never let go of His hand.
From a higher level, I’m fighting what I always fight- my need to be validated by others. And the truth is I am validated everyday by people who love me. I don’t go a single day without a text, messages, or call from someone I love. It’s awesome, and I’m grateful for it. I’ve got a few others areas of my life I’m proud of:
I kept fighting. I didn’t concede one day to the enemy, which is great.
I never stopped praying or trying to connect to the Lord. This is key. In previous similar situations, I walked away from the Holy Spirit. Into my cave of shame I went.
I didn’t stop writing or walking. Sure. Some of my writing (most of it) is lackluster, but that’s not the point. My goal for my first year of writing was to write everyday. I’ve done that, even in the low moments. Correspondingly, my daily walks became a chore, but they happened.
I learned what commitment is. Commitment is faith without reason. It’s the determination to believe the sun will rise when all is dark, and preparing for it.
Finally, I stayed on top of my dreams and goals. Despite my feelings of rejection and associated sorrow, I did not surrender my dreams to pain or outside influence. I moved closer to them. I defined and refined my path with the Lord, and it opened my (metaphorical) hand.
My open hand is important. The more grip I use on a dream or life situation, the more the outcome controls my life. When my hand is open, I find the healthy space I need from any scenario. If a dream, a job, or relationship fails, I’m ok. The outcome isn’t a judgement on my heart or self-worth. More than all that, my open hand creates space for the Lord to do His work in me. My closed hand forces Him out. An open hand see possibilities and all the paths forward.
God is Good. The more I walk with Him, the more evidence I see. Five years ago, I would fallen into a shame spiral, gained 25 lbs, and locked myself into a porn hole. That’s no longer my reality. Today, I can spot the bullshit from a mile away. I know that food represents shame and rejection. Porn is a lack of connection. I’d rather be frustrated by my “lack of progress” than my pile of sins. And, daily walks with Jesus are a must.
The next step is to find peace and joy on a constant basis, through the ups and downs. Lord, come. Your will be done.