DJ: #66 Growth Isn’t Pain Free

Last week, I had to make an economic decision to pick between two clients. I could not work with both. After a month of talks, I had told Client A I could not work with them. Client A did not take it well. They felt betrayed and let down. I admit I could’ve handled the let down with more tact, but I thought I did my best. I never thought they’d react the way they did.

(To be fair to myself, we didn’t have a contract. I did some work for Client A and gave them everything they needed, while they did not deliver on their end. They continued to push the contract discussion, so I took the information I had and made a choice. Regardless, I didn’t make my decision in anger. It was very matter of fact in my mind. “Client A isn’t following through, pushing meetings, etc, while Client B is delivering everything they said they would while offering a much better financial arrangement.”)

The tough part of this moment is Client A is a friend. I mistakenly thought they would understand my situation. They did not.

Over the weekend I contemplated my actions and their reaction. Did I make a poor business decision? No. I had a similar conversation earlier in the month without a similar response. Could I have handled the moving-on discussion with Client A better? Yes. Absolutely. But overall, I did not merit Client A’s wrath. They responded out of their own brokenness.

And yet…and yet…I still spent way too much energy thinking and feeling my way through the conflict. It gnawed at me all weekend, but in the same space existed a new calmness. In the past, I would’ve slashed and burned my way out. I wanted to defend myself, expose their flaws, broken promises, and general arrogance. But, I did not. I wanted to explain my thought process to comfort them. But, I did not. I worried what they might- in their anger- tell our community. Then, I let it go. I will fear no man. (To be fair, some minor part of me wanted to do be a dick. But…)

I feel a particular healthy disconnect from humanity of late. I’m still a loving and compassionate man. I just don’t feel enmeshed with outcomes. I’m not responsible for Client A, just like I’m not responsible for the any other adult making their own choices. Love knows where it is limited, and a human can only receive as much as they give to themself. Client A’s biggest problem isn’t me. It’s their lack of self-worth.

The sting of an accusation will likely never die, that burst of negative emotion associated with human fear. Regardless, I do see growth in the moment. I did not spend my weekend spiraling into an emotional abyss. Instead, I battled for myself rather than allow a hurting person define me.

One more thought before I finish: This is my new life, to live with the knowledge I will make decisions and some of them will hurt people. That’s the way life is. The best I can do is learn, adapt, and more forward. I do not want to hurt a single person, not even a little. And maybe offense is unavoidable? Seems like offense is badge of honor in 2020- we lead with our triggers expecting everyone to tiptoe around us. I would rather be unoffendable, or as close to it as possible.

Lord,

Grant me the grace to learn from my mistakes and errors. Even though my heart is to bless and love people, I know it will not be evident in all my actions and words. Please cover me with wisdom and humility. I do not want to repeat mistakes. I do not believe I am better than the traps I see others battle. Take my heart, my intentions, and my thoughts. Curve them into your plan for me. I just want to do your will Lord.

Your will be done in me, as it is in Heaven. Bless Client A with all the love and grace You have. Blast their hearts with kindness and joy beyond measure. Heal their brokenness and remove fear from their eyes.

Amen.