Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/27/23 Nik Curfman 4/27/23

Vol III: #79 Proud of My Work

He looked off camera and signed. “Nothing you do is special and the field is highly competitive. I could just hire someone off UpWork.” Oh? I wondered and then began to boil. Why don’t you “just hire someone from Upwork?” Do us all a favor. But I said nothing. This man named Leif was blithely unaware of the faux pas he’d committed as he continued to belittle my company and the value we provide for our customers. Poor bastard.

He looked off camera and signed. “Nothing you do is special and the field is highly competitive. I could just hire someone off UpWork.” Oh? I wondered and then began to boil. Why don’t you “just hire someone from Upwork?” Do us all a favor. But I said nothing. This man named Leif was blithely unaware of the faux pas he’d committed as he continued to belittle my company and the value we provide for our customers. Poor bastard. He didn’t know he was drawing dead after his expression of contempt for our services, like a fool adding chips to the pot when he’s already beat. And out of habit or professional duty I managed to answer a few of remaining questions as we discussed the next step in the sales process.

After the call ended I went for a walk, a long walk on an unusually hot spring afternoon. Half way through the forest, I began to argue with an imaginary version of that sonofabitch, to justify my perspective. And then, I began to worry about what how to explain the situation to my boss. Tim is a gentle man and kind to the extreme. I envisioned Tim finding a way to work with that douche bag even though everything inside me screamed nope, not today dickbag. And then, as I do, I questioned myself. Was I being the asshole? Was I being too sensitive? Leif’s careless disregard for my profession felt like a personal attack, though he was likely a douche being a douche.

And now, in the safety of my cool apartment, I still feel a bit ashamed by Leif’s words and weary of the looming conversation with Tim. But, I did what I thought was right. Leif is a dick with selfish intentions. He would’ve been a nightmare as a client. Emotion aside, I did my job and I’m proud of the work I did today.

Nik Curfman 8/31/22 Nik Curfman 8/31/22

Vol III: #12 All The Feels

I’ve been at peace, loved, and moving in faith without the feelings. AND, I’ve seen the Lord move during these moments. To be fair, the Lord moves all the time. He doesn’t make decisions on what I feel, which is good. I’ve felt a lot of feelings and if the Lord responded to all of them…He wouldn’t be God. He’d be some codependent, wannabe-deity, like a Greek god. The good result of putting feelings and emotions in a proper place is the overwhelming confidence that comes with faith and hope. I accept the ideas of: I will fail, I will offend people, I will hurt people, and life will try to hurt me*. Oh, well. I choose to stay committed to the Lord and not keen to what may offend me.

The last woman I dated hit a wall about three months into our relationship. And through the final two months, she fought her feelings and dreadful thoughts to stay in the relationship before she finally relented. The feels were gone and she was left with a choice. And, she chose to bail. Like many people, she didn’t have the faith to see or love to endure a committed romantic relationship. And, I’m grateful we broke up- grateful in knowing my days are not tied to someone incapable of commitment or hope.

I will always have a reservoir of compassion for my ex-girlfriend, and all the people who struggle to overcome emotional addictions. It helps that I struggle too. The feelings fight is real, especially when our reactions are visceral. We tend to trust our feelings over logic or principles. And, this is one of the traps of our age.

One my heroes, CS Lewis, stated the enemy’s use of feeling this way in The Screwtape Letters:

The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or fail.

I mauled over this passage for the last two years. And, I tried to find the space between being led by my feelings and honoring them. Feelings are from the Lord too, right? And, what would life be without being able to feel peace or love or gratitude or grief? Since all good things are from the Lord, and emotions are from the Lord, then our feelings are inherently good. I want to experience pain and joy, but not be led by them.

More important to my post today is the idea that the most powerful and grand aspects of the Lord’s Kingdom have nothing to do with feelings. Faith and love aren’t feelings. Peace isn’t a feeling. Love isn’t an emotion. They are a way to live life and they do not need the assistance of feelings.

What is good is always good, regardless of how we feel about it. The perverse thing is when the enemy confuses people so much they question the importance and critical natural of family or endurance. And how many arguments sprouted from hurt feelings loosely based on fact? A former roommate exploded when he thought I was ignoring him. It wasn’t true, of course. The episode exposed lingering abandonment issues deep within my friend. He let his feelings dictate his thoughts and actions.

I will also love people well and build community around honor and generosity. What I leave behind as my legacy will be greater than my mistakes.

*I certainly do not intend to hurt anyone or be hurt. But, that’s life. We hurt each other. Thank the Lord for grace and kindness and forgiveness.