All I really wanna do is everything and nothing. I wanna get my work done and do nothing. I wanna sit in a dark room and watch movies I’ve seen a dozen times, eat pizza and fall asleep until May. I also want to do none of that, because I know it’ll lead to shame and guilt and withdrawal. Something feels off, and I don’t know what it is. I’m making good choices. Despite my insecurity I continue to practice love and grace.

Regardless, I feel backed up. This month has been a continual roller-coaster of emotion and progress. I want to relent, to breath, and maybe relax. I long to let go of the future and the past. Lord, I just want to exist in this moment with You.

I pride myself on knowing my emotions, motivations, and desires. But today isn’t that day. I’m also becoming aware of several mental habits I have when I’m hurting. I look for someone to blame. I pick imaginary fights with people I feel justified fighting. It’s like I need to place on my pain on someone so I can battle it. Like it needs a face. If I feel attacked or belittled, I conjure a person who did those things and argue with them.

I have a deadline today and two meetings. I want to implode them all. So…I’m just going to take this one task at a time.

1) Finish this blog, edit, and publish.

2) Complete Project scope/timeline for customer.

3) Meet with Nic.

4) Go eat tacos with Nathan.

That’s what I’m gonna do because I don’t let my emotions determine my worth or choices.