Jesus Felt Anxiety Too
“He took Peter, James, and John with him. He plunged into a sinkhole of dreadful agony. He told them, “I feel bad enough right now to die. Stay here and keep vigil with me.”
Going a little ahead, he fell to the ground and prayed for a way out: “Papa, Father, you can—can’t you?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do you want?” Mark 14:33-36
Years ago, I walked to the grocery store for a box of cookies. I stood under the dull yellow lights and tried to hide my tears as I could not make a decision. Why was life so difficult? Everything seemed to hinge on a choice and simultaneously nothing mattered. In that moment I felt forever stapled to a life of anxiety and emotional hell. Recently, I dated an amazing woman. (I could type many word about her, but it just didn’t work out.) I saw the end coming as she pulled away, and despite my prayers and actions to counter the coming breakup, it happened all the same.
I prayed more than I can remember the last 2-3 weeks we were together. I fought off anxiety every time it came close. Stupidly, I added,”not my will but your will be done” to almost every prayer. And true to my request, my will was not done. I assume it was the Lord’s. It’s cynical to use the word assume. I choose to believe it was in fact His will, and He absolutely knows what He’s doing.
When the day came, and she said she couldn’t go on, I let her go. It was the very last thing I wanted to happen, and somehow I knew it would.
When she left, only one door came to my mind, and I had to charge through it. The door was labeled Jesus, and it was my height and width. I wasn’t going to drown in sorrow and despair. Not this time.
On this occasion, I pressed hard into the chest of my Father. I sobbed (and still do) in front of my friends. And I refused to let my self worth be determined by this disappointment.
A few days ago I read Mark 14. I read with new eyes how Jesus saw his fate coming, how His soul grieved. Jesus wanted his friends for comfort, and He prayed for anything but the coming pain. Jesus experienced anxiety and dread? Yes, he did. My Messiah was in agony, mental and emotional agony. And yet, he let it happen. He didn’t stop Judas or run to Egypt. He did nothing. He put his life and fate in the hand of the Father.
And yes, I’m comparing my breakup to Jesus dying on the cross. Pain is pain. Loss is loss. Anxiety is anxiety. If everything Jesus does is so beyond us, what’s the point? He came as our example, not our constant reminder of how small and inadequate we are. He came to show us there is reward if we face our fears/anxieties and choose to let go.
After I finished reading Mark 14 I felt an odd assurance. Anxiety sucks, but it isn’t a sin. I’m not jacked up because my emotions and thoughts run down a hole. I’m not a lesser man because I have visceral reactions to life. I am daring to believe in something great for myself, for my life. From a certain perspective, one could wonder why I have hope in my future, but that is not my God’s perspective and it is not His plan for me.
I trust Him. After 20 plus years of being a Christian, I learned to trust Him. Regardless of anything else.
Amen.
