I’ve always accepted the sidekick-backup-assistant-guy-behind-the-guy role in life. When we were teenagers, I hide in my sister’s long shadow. In my 20′s I refused leadership roles because I didn’t want the responsibility. And in my mid-30′s I started to believe I was destined to a life of “good enough.”

I lied to myself too. I told myself I didn’t want to be out front. Leading is treacherous, and unrewarding*. But in my most daring and honest dreams I am none of that. I am out front. I am leading people to life and inspiring them to put down fear and tribal tendencies. I am encouraging them to live their best lives, free of humiliation and worry. Put in more modern terms: I’m the shizz. The man. At least in my own life. 

This week, the Lord challenged me to accept and walk in my calling. The word makes me cringe. What’s a calling? Are those really a thing? Apparently, yes. They are. 

The conversation went like this: 

Jesus,”Do you think I’ve given you so much just to keep it to yourself?” 

Me: (The plainly obvious answer is a resounding no. I begin to sob.) 

He continued: “You have to accept it.”

Me: (Tears and more tears, feeling inadequate.)

Jesus: “Your heart is to help people, that’s all I’m asking you to do.” 

Me: (No, to this point I have not answered Jesus. Still sobbing.)

Jesus: “My calling for you is the same as what your heart wants.”

Me: (Still not answering the question- but also feeling better. I begin to challenge the inadequacy. I can be me, or learn to be.)

I sat in my seat for a few more moments. I asked myself why I couldn’t say “yes, I accept!” I want to lead, I want to encourage people, and give them practical hope. So why was it so damn hard to respond? Finally, the truth rose to the top: old Nik believed he had to make things happen. He believed he had to prove himself. Both are lies, and after a few moments of knew what I had to do. I accepted the Lord’s offer.

I have no clue how I’m going to get there, where ever there is. I don’t know what I’m aiming at. I do know I trust the Father more than ever. For now I have this blog, and I have my friends. So…I will write, and I will be vulnerable, and I will love my friends. I’m not concerned about anything else. 

Amen.

*If leading is so unrewarding, then why is second any better? It’s not.