Earlier this week, in a shift of perspective, I saw myself as a badass. I’m 40, single, working part-time(ish), in debt, and overweight. And, yes. I’m a badass. While all of those circumstances of my life are factual- marital status, financial state, etc- they do not represent the truth of my life. They do not reflect my trajectory with Jesus.

I wrote several blogs the last few weeks, including yesterday’s, in which I detailed my struggles and strains. At times in September, I felt transported back to times when I didn’t challenge the visceral narrative in my head. I allowed thoughts to run down dark allies. Each time, I took time to let the feelings to run their course. I didn’t ignore myself in the name of adhering to an archetype in my heart. I am who I am, emotional and deep. Just typing those words makes me feel a bit douchy, but they are true.

This whole process reminds me of when I starting lifting weights in high school. It took weeks to make gains, but over time I noticed improvements. The experience did not stick with, until now, because I was too immature to appreciate my success. My weight-lifting coach was an egotistical dick, and I compared myself to stronger guys in the weight room. I never got to enjoy it.

Until now.

Now, I get it. Life is a process, and growth looks ugly. It’s ok that I have strong emotions, and I’m not a lesser man.