2020. What a year for me, and it ain’t over. Today, and quite unexpectedly, an old friend texted me with a big question, “Why did you go silent?” It’s not the kind of question she asks. She prefers to avoid hard conversations. Our friendship is nearly twenty years old, and we’ve managed to escape direct conflict. Real friends, in my view, have hard interpersonal discussions. These exchanges typically erode or built a friendship. I see the lack of honest, vulnerable talks as a problem. I’m not sure we are strong enough to handle a difficult exchange.

What’s The Issue

I know what the issues are for me. I battle posting the details on the internet. The most polite and vague, if not tired, way to express the problem is “we’ve grown apart.” Twenty years ago we went to ministry school together. We shared common beliefs, experiences, and goals. My guess is she thought she would marry a pastor type, have kids, and wait to die. I’m not sure what I wanted or expected at age 21. (It was a rough time in my life.)

I’m 100% positive life did not go according to plan for either of us. She is still single and waiting to die alone. Every day, month, and year that passes, she seems a little more distant from the person full of dreams and hope. She acts resigned to a fate she cannot change. And, she desperately wants to be saved.

I don’t pass judgment on her for falling into hopelessness or despair. Self-pity once dominated my life, and I expected a miracle to dramatically change my reality. I saw myself as a mutant, as less than human. I looked for justification to avoid growth and humiliation.

What I cannot do, what I will not do, is indulge her self-pity and fear. Over the last three years, I intentionally tried to encourage her to pursue passions in her heart and new ways to date- apps, online services, blind dates, etc. On nearly every occasion, she finds the crack or flaw, her rationale to avoid pain.

The last few years, this dear friend has become increasingly argumentative and judgmental. She often complains about her job, clients, friends, and her church. I can’t remember the last time she expressed gratitude or optimism about anything in her life. I have a hard time watching someone become a shadow of who they were.

Like I said, I don’t know how to talk to her any more. I want to be a person of gratitude and faith regardless of circumstance. I want to be a person of love. I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

Searching For The Answer

As of this writing, I do not know how I will respond to the question I was asked (why did you go silent?) I’m called to love people, and I believe I’m allowed to have boundaries. So, I’m not sure what love looks like in this scenario. She’s my friend, not my employee or my boss. I don’t know what my responsibility is toward her. Love is very patient. It is kind and long-suffering.

I think I need to lay out a new vision for our friendship, one built on encouragement and hope. It might be my best bet- to pitch an idea of what’s possible rather than hand her a scorecard of all the ways she’s falling short. I think she knows she’s in a hole. Most people know when they are in the pits and longing to be free. I don’t need to describe the walls of her personal hell.

Lord, help. I love my friend, and I think it’s time to say no more cynicism or sarcasm. Your will be done, more than anything.

LINKS