LINKS

This summer I battle through a break-up and the dissolution of a business partnership. The defining moments happened on back-to-back days. In a way, it’s almost Biblical. I laugh when I think about it now. In a matter of months I went from “knowing” what my future was to a blank slate. I went back to the start.

The pain I endured was like being tossed by the tide of an angry ocean. The waves of sadness overwhelmed me over and over. The business break-up was in the works, but the end of a relationship I longed to continue? That hurt my heart. Despite her flaws, I wanted her.

I knew I couldn’t fix myself, or isolate in a hole until I felt better. Nope. I was bleeding and needed the Doctor. Thankfully the Lord was with me, and I leaned into Him. Each morning I went to walk with Him, and cried my heart out in the woods. My community, once again, rallied to my side. Day after day, they reached out to listen, encourage, and love me. (If I needed more proof of God’s goodness, I have it by way of my community.)

Moving On

My life is on a different path now than ever before, because I am a different person than I was a year ago. Gone are most of the limiting beliefs related to my self-worth. I finally embrace who I am and what’s important to me. And, I am going after what I want in life one day at a time. But most importantly, I will continue to walk with Jesus.

Of all the developments of the last six years- since I moved to California- my decision to run after the Lord is biggest. It is not a series of magical spiritual experiences. What I have is a real relationship with the God of the universe. It’s like getting to drink everyday rather than trying to make it to the next oasis.

Shifting Motivation

In the interest of honesty, my motivation shifted. It was easy to seek the Lord this summer when my reality burned down around me. I was desperate to live and make sense of the ashes. And now? The desperation is gone. I moved forward. I might even describe my recent disposition as content. I am not in a hurry, no fires to water.

Early in October the Lord made a prophetic request. “Stick with me,” He commanded. I knew why He said it, instantly. I didn’t need an explanation. In previous moments of life when I chose to run to the Lord I eventually wandered away. I took control of my future once I found stable ground. I know this pattern, and I am desperate to defeat it.

It is a new reality for me, to go to the Lord without a mass of pain and shame in my chest. Yes, I still experience anxiety and sadness. You may click back through my posts to read about it. Overall thought, the sorrow I feel is blunted, an echo of what I’ve knew. I believe in me, my present, and my future. I live in a new world.

The New World

My previous nature would force me to consider my current situation with fear. I am no longer in crisis, so what now? How do I talk to God if I’m not immediately about to burst? Well…we can talk about something else I suppose. What a crazy concept.

The lack of compulsion or desperation creates a new opportunity. Last summer, I prayed for myself a whole bunch. I got around to other people on occasion. Now I find more space to pray for my friends, family, my city, the elections, etc. This is the progression I hoped would come. The Lord showered me with grace and love for multiple reasons, and today I have the ability to think about others again.

It’s a new world- one without the burden of self-pity or shame. I’m still trying to find my way in it.

Lord, I love you. I’m not quite sure how to live without being introspective and sad, but I’m willing to discover it. I know tough times will return, moments of sorrow and pain. That’s life, but I’m grateful I know you will be there beside me.

A-men.