Today is one of those days. This week is one of those weeks. I feel numb, and the excitement of the summer is officially in the past. I search for little encouragements where I can during the day. They are to be found in my early walks and evening prayers. I am not discouraged or afraid, rather I exist in a personal netherworld.

All of the thoughts and emotions usually associated with self-pity and despair are present, like an unwelcome guest. They sit outside my being scheming and waiting to be indulged. Despite my present awareness of these corrupt temptations, they are at arms length from my heart.

While I am aware and detached from my old enemies, I do not count motivation or inspiration among my friends. Where I am, and what I pursue is not something I am prepared to do. Regardless, my grand quest is underway, and the trailhead is at my back. I know who I am, what I value. I know where I want to be. The way is steep, and I cannot let the condition of path dictate my value of the journey. Now is my time to grind.

Today, this week, is not about feeling or incentive. When the feelings fail and loneliness arises, all I can do is show up. Maybe my emotions are beyond my control, but my thoughts and actions are not. I will love, pray, and write because I know that’s what I love to do. I will not ignore or degrade myself simply because I do not feel a great magic about myself.

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