Short: Love And Not Love, Part 2.
“Why am I attracted to these people?” Drake asked Todd a few days later.
Todd Mayo was Drake’s counselor. A slender black man with a thin goatee and calming voice. Drake started counseling when he learned it was free to all students at the university. And he felt safe in Todd’s office regardless of his condition when he arrived.
Todd leaned forward from his seat across from Drake and his eyes grew larger. “Why do you think you’re attracted to them?”
“I don’t know. I think something’s wrong with me. Or broken.”
“Describe broken for me. What’s broken about you?”
The question stumped Drake for a minute. And though accustomed to Todd’s approach, he felt unprepared to answer. He stared at the beige, ordinary carpet for a few seconds, then closed his eyes before answering.
“Something isn’t working. Not all relationships are like this.” Todd nodded but remained silent. Slowly, Drake continued, “I’m the common factor in each of these relationships. I’m the one trying to save people. But somehow, I’m the one who feels exhausted and foolish when it’s over. And I can’t blame an addict for being an addict. You know? I’m the one who kept going back to Abbey, and stayed in touch with Clint.” Tears began to run down Drake’s face and hopelessness crept into his heart as he spoke. He wanted to say more but didn’t see the way out of the pattern.
“Drake, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people. Look at me. My desire to help people got me here, helping you,” offered Todd, with a bit of a smile. “Lots of people get stuck in cycles like this. You’re lucky you finally see it. Some go there whole lives in a constant struggle. Now you have an opportunity to make a change.”
“What about them? What about people like Abbey and Clint?” Drake shot back, feeling attacked.
Todd’s face sank and his eyes narrowed.
“They aren’t here Drake. But you are. When you first sat on that couch you said you wanted to learn to love people more. How’s that working out for you?”
Drake was stunned by the question. Todd hadn’t been so blunt or direct, his words thrown back in his face. Yet, deep inside him, he knew. Months of counseling had led him to this moment. He knew he needed to press onward, but could only see what lay behind. Drake was scared
“I tried Todd.”
“And what happened?
“They shit on me.”
“And how does that feel?”
“Like shit. I’m a piece of shit.”
“Why?”
“Why? Why, what? I just told you. I tried and failed.”
“Ok. Why does that make you feel like shit? What’s wrong with failure?”
Drake’s thoughts began to unravel and a hot anger began to simmer inside him. What’s wrong with failure, he gruffed. Fucking everything dude. It means I’m not good enough, he concluded. The thought hit him like a hammer. Todd observed a softening of Drake’s shoulders and eyes. And he waited for Drake to speak first.
“I’m not enough,” Drake stammered as he covered his face with both hands.
Todd let the notion hang in the air for a beat before he asked,”And why is that?”
“Because if I was enough, my friends wouldn’t be addicts. They wouldn’t steal and cheat and hurt me.”
“And do you believe that true? That if you were perfect and did everything right, they’d be drug free?”
Drake knew the answer. He knew Abbey and Clint were addicts long before he met them. He knew they treated all their friends and family as resources. They use people too, he thought.
“No. I don’t. They have to choose to walk away from their addictions.”
Todd took a deep breath and smiled and allowed Drake space to continue down the path.
“It’s not about me. I waged a losing battle with Abbey. We didn’t want the same things.”
“Correct. And no amount of love was going to change her. She didn’t want to be changed.”
Drake nodded and wiped his cheeks.
THE END
