My roommate is in Texas till February. When it hit me how long he’d be gone, I thought I’d be in danger of isolation. Turns out, I was wrong. His absence gave me the space to unwind, and fill my apartment with worship and unrestrained emotion. Lots of stuff is bubbling up, and it’s good. The Lord is moving in me.

Heavy Day

Today is a day I hear a hundred strong voices urging me to follow their lead, and even my dreams accuse me of failure. The cynical, the proud, and the ashamed seem to rise above the rest. Who is right? Fear is weaved into all it. Should I be afraid?

No.

Hell, no.

I shouldn’t.

I Want to Punch Them All

I’m tired of politics, COVID, and cancer. I’m sick of people fighting and looking for evil in one another. My heart weeps for those who think the Lord would withhold Himself. I just want all the voices to shut the f*ck up. They’re all wrong.

Aren’t we suppose to think what is pure and holy (Phil 4:8)? How about love our enemies? Turn the other cheek? Make peace? Hope all things, believe all things, and never take to account a wrong suffered? Build each other up? Trust in the Lord?

AND HE WILL SUPPL ALL OUR NEEDS!? Honestly. What the actual f*ck is going on?

The thing is…I know I’m being a bit of a hypocrite when I complain about people. This post is proof I am not: thinking about what is good, turning the other cheek, hoping in all things, or fully trusting the Lord. Time for some grace and love for yours truly.

One more thing, I’m running out of words.

Worship Is Holy

I’ve written, prayed, and talked more than ever this year. I filled three journals, and recently began a fourth…this year alone. Usually, I need 1-2 years to fill a journal. This is my 147th Journal blog post. When added to the 25ish other posts, that’s over 170 posted writings. And, it’s futile to count the time in prayer or talking to others.

I don’t think the Lord has a problem with repetition, but my brain is on overload between writing and my job. My heart needs to be able to speak without having to think, which seems like the perfect time to enjoy worship music, again.

Coming Out of the Shadow

It’s been a while since I wanted to worship the Lord through songs written by others. Call it resentment or bitterness, I just wasn’t into it. Most of the worship people I know are heavily flawed or fake. My judgment kept me from entering into a scared place with the Holy Spirit.

Even in my self-imposed exile, once I made it to church worship was my favorite part of the service. What we sing to the Lord isn’t about anything else but our love and appreciation for Him, so it doesn’t matter what the worship tweeted, or how douchey his wife is.

Have I said 2020 is Good?

In 2020, worship became my hiding place, and now I rarely listen to anything else. (Although I do enjoy Christmas music, including the non-Jesus stuff.) Worshipping the Lord through music has become the thing I have to connect to Him when all else fails and my emotions rage hard the other way.

There’s one song that’s risen above all other worship songs for me. It’s old by modern worship standards, but it translates to a holy place in an instant. Praise the Lord, Oh My Soul as written by Kevin Prosch. Even though I’ve listened to it for almost 25 years, it’s fresh every time I sing it.

Shut Them Up By Singing Out

Today, with all the voices screaming to be heard and obeyed, I put the music on. Eventually, I made my way to my favorite song. Within moments all I could do was sit on the staircase and cry until all the pain and frustration left.

Sometimes, words aren’t strong enough. They seem to fail and betray the conflicts hidden by my skin. In the hidden place, where songs sing to something greater than my pain, I find the vein of the everlasting God. There’s humility in it. What I am saying is, “Lord, I’ve got nothing but the words given to me by someone else. I love you, and I want you.” This honesty does something my eloquence can’t. It opens my doors to let Him flood me with Love and Peace.

All the other voices slip silent, and I behold only Him. His whisper is no longer drowned by the agony of a fallen society. Hell is gone, and Heaven is revealed in me.

Praise the Lord, forever. Oh my soul, praise the Lord.