Most of my posts of the last 2-3 months are vague. Today is the day I dive into what’s in front of me and how I plan to attack it.

Last May, I was dumped by a woman I loved, then dumped by my business partner. These were external events beyond my control. Correspondingly, I spent the summer of 2020 confronting fear and letting go of sorrow. I had to confront the defeat rather than allow it to drag me down. In tears, I wondered the neighborhoods and forests of north Redding. Through the heat and loneliness, I went after my pain in prayer. I admitted my weakness, and gave the Lord permission to love me. Eventually, my tears dried, and I’d find peace or a joyful laugh. It was good practice for this summer. It’s one thing to overcome the dismissal and judgment from others, but I find it harder to fight myself. (The lies we tell ourselves are the strongest to confront.)

Our hearts and minds commit the biggest sins when threatened. All human suffering and violence begins as a lie. Adam and Eve, Cain and Able, the Crusades, 9/11, shitty immigration policy: all our destruction spews from the idea we are under attack. We hide or murder. We build walls and create enemies where none exist. For most of us, we do not worry about food supplies, shelter, or actual war. It’s the gift of political and technological advancement. Despite our inventions, the old desires- to run, hide, and destroy- remain.

My natural inclination is to avoid confrontation, which might shock a few people who know me. Believe it or not, I’m not a fan of arguments or division. I’m not a war/murder/destroy type. Life is precious regardless of offense or crime. One big difference between most peace-loving folks and me is this. I accept the need for confrontation and discussion. (As Jordan Peterson says, “conflict delayed is conflict multiplied.” Most of us instinctively understand this, but we hedge anyway.) Our problem isn’t knowing our hurts or opinions; it’s in the fear we cultivate over the fight. Currently, I think I’m better at confronting others than myself. I’d rather hide, so I do. I’m the kind of person who would eat the fruit, sew the fig leaves, and hide from the Lord.

At this point, you are probably wondering what I need to confront. It’s a good question. I think I’ve written about as much as possible without specifics. Here’s the answer:

I’m confronting my ancient fear of failure and perfection. It’s not enough to do something. I want to be the best at it. And it’s gotta impact the world. In those three phrases lay a slew of insight into who I am. First, I’ll write a phrase, then translate.

1. It’s not enough to do something. My value is in what I do, not in who I am. Production is what’s most important as a man.

2. I want to be the best at it. It’s not enough to work and go home. Without greatness, I am a fallen tree without sound. It’s as if I didn’t exist.

3. And it’s gotta impact the world. Ah yes. Not only must do something and be the best at it but it’s gotta change the world. No worries.

And what if I fail? What if I lose the money I saved for trading stocks and stock options? What if I suck as an artist, and my writing never improves? What if I miss God? What if I should’ve been a pastor or worked for a non-profit? What if I spend my entire life in bullshit jobs and bullshit careers and miss my calling?

Seriously, I’m glad I learned to walk before I was afraid to fall. Fortunately, I don’t think this way in all areas of my life. The success I had getting past my breakups is something to build on. On occasion, the sting is still there, but I know how to motor past it. In fact, I’ve been more successful over the 12 months than what is apparent. In business, my health, finances, relationships, writing, and with Jesus, I’ve excelled. I’m miles ahead as a digital marketer compared to May 2020. These are no small wins either.

My next step is to do what I do now with writing and walking. I need to draw and practice investing every day. It’s that simple. The desires of my heart, the true Godly desires, aren’t about fame, worth, or value. They are about me being the unique expression of God. My DNA isn’t merely physical. I (and you) have a spiritual DNA breathed into us from the beginning. That’s why none of us, regardless of history or failure, is a piece of shit. We may feel like shit, but we are not shit. We are good because He is good. Our ultimate calling is to manifest our reflection of God.

Think about that last sentence, “Our ultimate calling is to manifest our reflection of God.” It’s a heady statement, but one, I believe. I am not called to be a minister or a sacrifice. I am called to be me. The fullness of my life is complete as I embrace what is good and faithful. In this process, ministry happens, lives change, and the glory of the Lord revealed. My task is to be me, not the “Christian standard” of manliness.

I’m going to finish this post, make a smoothie, go for a walk, then sit my ass down at the drawing table. It’s time to dive in.

By the grace of God go I.